Archive for May, 2008

There was good news for dumb, selfish twats yesterday as reports that a regular tanker delivery was going to be ‘slightly late’ led to fuel buying panic at one local petrol station.

The mindless, stupid mithering began around 1pm at the Exachell garage near Wretching, in Disgust, when a member of staff was overheard noting that a fresh shipment of petrol ‘might be around 15 to 20 minutes later than normal’. The news immediately triggered a petrol buying panic amongst customers.

‘As soon as I heard that the main storage tank was down to only 900 litres I knew I had to act,’ said garage regular Dave Spooool. ‘Although I had already filled my car, and actually I only drive about 70 miles a week, I rushed back to the forecourt and filled the boot, glovebox and door pockets with extra fuel. Mind you, I’m so stupid I once forgot how to use my arms’.

Local cretin Angela Stave was another of those caught in the precautionary buying palaver. ‘When I drove onto the forecourt someone told me what was going on and to be honest it scared me. What if there was a medical emergency and I couldn’t get my kiddies to hospital during that vital 20 minute window when my car only had 7/8ths of a tank full? It doesn’t bear thinking about. That’s why I filled my tank with both petrol and diesel, just to be on the safe side’.

Exachell staff say even those who weren’t intending to buy petrol were drawn into the mass panic, such as area fuckwit Irene Mizzz. ‘I had spent the morning frigging myself over the memory of Princess Diana and was on my way to buy a second, uncreased copy of the Daily Express when I noticed a commotion at the petrol station. I immediately realised it was the kind of grunting, thoughtless mass hysteria I enjoy and decided to buy as much petrol as possible. Obviously I don’t actually own a car so I had to go and buy one of those first and by the time I got back the unthinking mob behaviour was over. I was so disappointed I decided to fire bomb the place so I could spend the afternoon moaning about Muslims’.

An Exachell sposkesmans was quick to reassure everyone that the tanker delay was a one off and that people should stop being so Christingly fucking thick.

After cracking down on drivers who use a mobile phone, smoke or eat, the government this week announced that it is considering an even more radical safety move – making it illegal to use a steering wheel.  

‘Our research shows that having to grapple with a large circular device whilst in a fast moving vehicle could be quite literally lethal,’ said Lesbo Bells, spkoksman for the Department of Wasting Everyone’s Time With Unbelievably Patronising Shite. ‘That’s why we’re looking at proposals to make this dangerous pursuit illegal as soon as possible’. 

DoWETWUOS sources say the proposed new ruling will be enforced with a raft of new digital cameras, mounted on top of other cameras which will be used to read people’s Switch cards so that all the money can be drained from their account the instant they are seen doing anything illegal involving a motor vehicle, such as driving it, sitting in it or looking at it with anything but that sort of dismal, lemon sucking face that people on bicycles do.  

‘Banning people from using the steering wheel whilst on the move will significantly reduce accidents and road casualties,’ Mr Bells claimed. ‘Do you have a car?’ he added. ‘Oh good, please give me another £538 for no reason whatsoever’.

The Beijing Motor Show is in China. And if Steve tells you otherwise it’s only because he’s trying to sell you three train tickets to Manchester. Here is an report from there. China, not Manchester.

The Chinese car makers were out in force at Beijing this year as China’s standing in the automotive world grows and many leading players seized the chance to show a wider audience just what they’re capable of. Over at Bong Fung Motor Factor the star attraction was the Mighty Weasel 888F Wandering Leaves, an exciting sports car concept that appeared from some angles to be on fire. BFMF claim that when this car enters production next year it will offer a 47 percent reduction in unexplained deaths. 

Hang Bum Wow Auto are a relatively newcomer to the car making business, having previously been China’s largest manufacturer of children’s toys and poisonous gas. Their Wavering Badger XDXDXXX8 Shitting Hell! is a new saloon with a remarkable interior that caused a few raised eyebrows and several deep lacerations. Upholstered entirely in rats, local journalists have described this upsetting new model as ‘quite itchy’. The Wavering Badger goes on sale in July and will be illegal to look at directly. 

Mongboi Hat are an established vehicle maker from the Ped Xing province in North Southern China, famed for its deadly poison mines and expendable children. Their new K7 HA HA HA! is a radical 4×4 that contains an enormous quantity of soil. Its makers say they have already received two orders without anyone getting hurt. 

The P8 GNNNN Whispering Shit is the latest small hatchback from Pang Woo I Kill You Now. Resembling an Austin Metro that has been involved in a horrifically ill-planned stunt, the P8 boasts a bodyshell made entirely from things you don’t want to know about whilst the interior isn’t possible. Pang Woo claim this car is already the best selling model amongst people who have been incarcerated for making cat noises during the Age Of Wistfulness.

Finally, it was intriguing to say the new Mighty Hope J7, a surprising saloon from Tibet’s only car maker which looked like it had been run over by a Chinese tank. Mainly because it had.

Listen up reading fans, the world is about to be cursed with another book by the bloke behind this website (and his mate Giles). It’s called My Dad Wished He Had One Of Those and it’s a sort of giddy romp through some of the big, fast, sexy cars your Dad probably couldn’t afford, lavishly illustrated with masses of period photos. And at least two of them have Roger Moore in. My Dad Wished He Had One Of Those is published on 29 May but you can pre-order a copy from Amazon now, just by clicking these words that are a different colour. Ideal for someone who doesn’t wholly object to the idea of giving Sniff Petrol a small amount of money but really does want to make sure it’s as tiny an amount as humanly possible.  

And speaking of giving money, a while back we featured a bloke called Richard who was doing the Scumball Rally in aid of a willing cause, all with the rather less worthy name of Sniff Petrol stuck to his car. Well guess what, he’s ruddy bloody doing it again this year, and all in the name of Barnados, a charity only a cold hearted blaggard wouldn’t want to support. Do some clicking here to make a donation. Or click here to follow the progress of Richard’s Sniff Petrol stickered Golf. Oh yea, and I’m told that there are still places available on the Scumball itself (another clicky here) and that if I mentioned this fact they might foolishly insist that all entries carry some sort of Sniff branding. Which would be amusing. Although only if you find some strange mirth in a massive fleet of shagged cars affixed with a small sticker advertising a shite and now-only-bloody-monthly-you-lazy-twot website. Whatever floats your rusty Golf GTI boat I suppose.