The Lotus Evora was one of the stars of the London Motor Show, as you might expect from the Norfolk company’s first all new model since the Elise, so with its show debut out of the way Sniff Petrol took the chance to have a good look inside this exciting new sports car.
The first surprise on entering the Evora is just how spacious it is, measuring a good 20 feet across and 30 feet deep with a hard wearing carpet and more than enough room for several racks of clothes. But whilst the sheer space is remarkable, we were slightly baffled by Lotus’s decision to equip the new car with a friendly lady called Susan who told us that other styles were available and asked what size our girlfriend or wife was. Sniff Petrol took the chance to ask Susan about future Evora developments but she remained tight lipped, explaining that she only helped out on Wednesdays and we would have to wait until Mrs Hemsby came back from visiting her mother in Ripon. It was then that Sniff Petrol realised we had got the wrong Evora and were inadvertently poking around a small dress shop in Harrogate.
The actual Evora is in fact rather smaller and, on first impressions, certainly looks striking in a predominantly black colour scheme with dark purple accents. One of the most intriguing technical discoveries is that it appears to run on cider and that, when filled up, it moves around excitedly to the Sisters Of Mercy. We asked if it was possible to get inside and were promptly punched in the face. It was then that Sniff Petrol realised we had got the wrong Evora and were inadvertently standing in The Devonshire Arms in Camden Town trying to check the shutline resolution on a fat miserable goth girl whose real name is Gillian.
The actual Evora is in fact remarkably compact when seen close up, especially in an exciting all white colour scheme. We were especially interested to see that Lotus’s aerodynamic experts have fitted the new model with special wings which we can exclusively reveal are coated with an innovative sticky coating. We asked if we could take it for a proper test to see if it possessed the classic Lotus handling and absorbency, at which point the security guard asked us to leave. It was then that Sniff Petrol realised we had got the wrong Evora and were inadvertently standing in an American pharmacist hoping to go for a spin in the USA’s fifth best selling brand of sanitary towel.
Sniff Petrol was thwarted in its attempts to get closer to the new Evora, but we feel confident that it will lead the class amongst fat gothic dress shops you can shove down your pants. With a really stupid name.
Gordon Brown shocked car makers this week by announcing that all cars must be electric by next Tuesday. Speaking at some dreadful symposium or other, the Prime Minister outlined his radical new plan which he had drawn on the back of a Chinese takeaway menu whilst he was rifling through The Independent’s website looking for more crap and ill considered ideas about reducing CO2 emissions.
We’re all used to stories of sat-nav units telling drivers to drive into rivers or across fields, but one motorist received a particular shock this week when his portable navigation system unexpectedly instructed him to kick a tramp to death.
There were growing fears in F1 this week that Jenson Button is turning into a hot air balloon. Sources close to the probably-still-good-if-only-he-wasn’t-in-a-turd-of-a-car driver say they are becoming increasingly concerned that the young racer’s head now appears to be made almost entirely of brightly coloured canvas.
‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 3 August I done proceed in an easterly direction to the Hungarian city of Budpest, what is in Hungary. Here I did observe what, to be honest, done be a Grand Prix, what was occurring at this moment in time. I were paying particular attention to the commencement of the aforesaid event when I done did notice an IC2 male, one Mr Philippe Massa, what did attempt to overtake an IC3 male, one Mr Lewis Hamilton. What the lads done gone did there was, to be honest, textbook. Let this be an important lesson for all motorists about the importance of leaving room for any overtaking manoeuvre and using your mirrors at all times. To be honest, I done be commending Mr Massa and Mr Hamilton for their roadcraft. However, I done then be disappointed to notice that Mr Massa done gone suffer what, to be honest, was a breakdown what done then gone force him to exit his vehicle without first done be putting on what, in fairness, should be a high visibility jacket. I hope other motorists will done gone be learning from what done be his mistake. In fairness, at the end of the day… I put the bins out. If it’s a Tuesday. Over and out.
Fundle my bundies, leaking is squeaky on fat cock buzzards this Bernard. Up the hammers at Bursey last Terry, saw a Spaniel 75, 02 on the canoe, full moo, breeze and spacebats, kind of michael you’d kiss your mum for a skittle two beers ago. Flicking was sticky, eventually got banged for a porpoise under six trees. I promise you Jean, the ointment was on the vanity unit when I saw it last. Stinky.
