There was grave concern this week as a leading scientist warned that an ongoing series of experiments could result in a massive black hole that would destroy the entire planet.
The experiments in question concern a device called the Grand Tadron-Relater (GT-R) which is being fired at increasing speeds around a 5.15km loop known as the Recherche Institute Nucleaire Grandvitesse (‘RING), situated in the German countryside.
“This whole experiment is ridiculous,” says Professor Ken Freeply of Nigel Havers College, Kettering, the scientist at the centre of the empty headed doom-laden blathering. “The GT-R is being sent around the ‘RING every week and every time it does the speed at which it completes the loop is inexplicably getting higher and higher. According to my extrapolations within as little as 18 months it will be circling the entire ‘RING in around 32 seconds, at which point a fatal black hole will be created”
“Of course the black hole won’t actually be caused by the sheer speed of the GT-R,” Prof. Freeply added. “It will most likely result from the sheer weight of tedious argumentative bollocks posted about it on the internet”.
Following the 25 second penalty given to Lewis Hamilton for allegedly gaining track advantage over Kimi Raikkonen in the Belgian Grand Prix, the fat, super-rich old men who control Formula 1 have denied any sinister bias against the British McLaren driver.
Following unfortunate misunderstandings in the Grands Prix at Valencia and Spa, the FIA has revised the Red Car Rule for Formula 1. These amendments will be applied with immediate effect:
Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ tha great smell o’ Red Bull. Splash it on all over. An’ then get attacked by wasps. No way. So we slide on over Belgique side an’ Crazy D, he take it smooth an’ low. Yea. He stick it nice in qualifyay, tuck up on tha fo’teen slot cuz tha’s the way he roll. Medium pace. Then on tha Sundayay Crazy D he chilled like Crystal fo’ tha race. Yea. But when tha work be done, everyone they ain’t be chattin’ ‘bout how Crazy D keep it jus’ outside tha top ten again, they jus’ be sayin’ how ma man Da Ham be dissed by tha F-to-tha-I-to-tha-A ‘cuz they give he a penaltyay fo’ cuttin’ wit’ Tha Kimster. That be bad shit man. No one know why this crap be goin’ down. Perhaps it is because the governing body of F1 is a complete shower of useless wankers.
The FIA today issued the following statement in response to allegations in the UK media.
A wet uliginous rain hammers from the skies like a curtain of liquid spaghetti and batters the flat crucible of countryside just outside Corby. For a brief moment its damp, damning rhythm focuses the silence with its sound then all at once the bucolic calm is broken by something that comes not from nature but derives from the thunder of combustion.
