There was bad news for the motor industry this week as a leading car-based maths expert revealed that cars sales will have fallen by a record 107 percent before the end of the year.
The staggering new discovery comes from Professor Ken Freeply of Nigel Havers College, Kettering, who has been based his findings on some hysterical headlines he read in a newspaper. “This fall is terrible news for all car companies,” Prof. Freeply noted. “Especially since my calculations essentially mean not only are no cars being sold but that members of the public are actually making cars themselves and then flogging them to the manufacturers”.
Professor Freeply’s possibly utter cock calculations carry especially dire omens for high end manufacturers such as Aston Martin. “If I was Aston I would be very worried,” the almost certainly mental brainiac observed. “My figures show that their sales have decreased by a whopping 214 percent. Basically this means that if they leave three unsold DB9s outside the factory one evening, they will come back in the morning to find almost six and a half DB9s that no one wants. Furthermore, with Bentley sales down 191 percent this means that for every two Continental GTs struggling to find owners, there is another 1.8 cars that are also struggling to find owners. Or something.”
Prof. Freeply later denied that his maths was “shit”.
In other news, the worsening financial climate is having a terrible effect on estate agents. Good.
There was shock on a strange lump of rock in the Irish Sea this week following news that the Isle of Man is to be closed, except to road testers from car magazines.
‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Blundell done be filing a report. On Sunday 28 September I done proceed in an Easterly direction to the Singapore Grand Prix, what done be in Singapore. Here I did done observe what, to be honest, is done becoming an all too common problem. At approximately 20:30 hours I done observe an IC1 male (what done be later identified as one Felipe Massa) in a red motor vehicle stopping for fuel. What done happen next is that, in fairness, the lad then go and done a runner, causing what done be substantial damage to the fuel pump in what done be, to be honest, the process. Sadly, this sort of attempt to leave a premises without done paying for fuel is done be an all too common occurrencing, especially when it done be at night. In fairness, at the end of the day… I sometimes watch a film and then go to bed. Over and out. 
A lion spears across the flatland badlands just outside Corby, its skin a glisten with mystery and poise. But there is no need for local residents to shut their windows and lock their doors for this particular beast is no mere skin and sinew but rex made metal by the finest French lion tamers in the land – Peugeot. 
If you like Sniff Petrol and Top Gear then there’s quite literally a good chance that you’ll like a new book written by the bloke behind this website. It’s called the Big Book of Top Gear and it’s packed full of nonsense about the TV show, some of it involving lame gags re-hashed from Sniff Petrol itself.