The Geneva Motor Show is in Geneva. Sniff Petrol went there.
Ferrari 599XX
One of the biggest stars of Geneva was this, Ferrari’s new technology test bed that customers can buy and then be allowed to drive sometimes (as long as they can be bothered to go all the way to Italy). ‘The 599XX follows on from the successful FXX programme,’ said a spokesman. ‘And when I say successful, I mean that even we were amazed that there are people stupid enough to buy a car that aren’t allowed to take home. As befits the next evolution of this concept, any customer who buys a 599XX and comes to Maranello to see it will be able to take advantage of the new on-site XX restaurant where they will be permitted to stand at the window and watch other people eating food’.
Mercedes E-class
Making its motor show debut, the new E-class promises a return to the quality levels of those Merc saloons from the ‘70s and ‘80s that always give used car experts a mild erection. To this end, the Stuttgart firm’s durability trials included giving prototypes to cab drivers and making design changes based on their feedback. That’s why the new model will come as standard with a CD hanging from the rear view mirror and a sat-nav that sometimes takes an inexplicably long-winded route and then tries to charge you £3.50 more than normal.
Lagonda concept
Aston Martin took the covers off… oh… give me a minute… I’ve just been sick…
VW Polo
There was embarrassment on the Volkswagen stand as the German company realised at the last minute that it had forgotten to design a new Polo. Quick thinking as ever, they hastily bolted some new lights to an old Polo and hoped no one would notice. The pretend new Polo promises an interesting development of the company’s BlueTechMotionSystemTechBlueSystem which will significantly reduce CO2 emissions on the basis that you won’t use your car so much because you’ve forgotten where you’ve parked it again.
Rolls-Royce 200 EX
One of the surprises of Geneva was the new ‘small’ Rolls-Royce and in particular the surprising fact that it was actually quite nice. A Rolls insider who we’ve just made up admitted that the idea of the car came when a senior engineer took a promotional soap-on-a-rope of a Phantom into the shower and noticed that it looked less vulgar once it had shrunk a little bit and had all the corners softened off. The engineer in question is now working on the next Rolls-Royce model, which will apparently be a microcar in the shape of a foamy egg.
Lagonda concept
Over on the Aston Martin stand the big news was… oh Jesus… sorry, sorry… come back in a sec… I’ve just been sick again…
Nissan Qazana
Nissan’s bold new concept gave some indication of what its next crossover model would look like, although mostly in the same way that a fireworks display would give ‘some indication’ of what it would be like to enter the Battle of The Somme. The show car continues Nissan’s inexplicable new tradition of trying to get rid of the letter U. ‘That’s absoltely right,’ said a spokesman. ‘We wold actally regard this as the next evoltion of the sccessfl Qashqai concept. Hey, who’s yor favorite band? I like 2’
Alfa MiTo GTA
The Italian car maker revealed the latest development of its disappointing and syntactically irritating MiTo small car. The new GTA will undoubtedly appeal to those who want to be disappointed at higher speed and promises to build on the standard car’s strengths of being a Mini for people who bloody mindedly refuse to buy a Mini or would like to buy a Mini but wish that it had a stupid pinchy face and had been developed in a really half-arsed way.
Lagonda concept
One of the surprises of the show was… shit, sorry… no really, I’ll be fine… oh God, no I won’t… Sorry… Oh no, some of the sick seems to have got on your briefcase…
Peugeot 3008
New from France was the latest addition to Peugeot’s ‘double 0’ family, which is basically the naming convention that signifies their especially awful cars. The 3008 provides a typically French answer to a question that was unfortunately asked in German, explaining why they obviously didn’t understand it and came up with this pile of gopping nonsense instead.
Lagonda concept
I’m going to try approaching it from a different angle and maybe… no, oh no, oh God… I am so so sorry… I’m sure the sick will wash out…
Toyota Prius
Geneva marked the European debut of the new Prius, along with the promise that it will deliver an impressive 46 percent increase in smugness levels. The new car’s revised hybrid drive system is now said to be even more complicated, guaranteeing that the self-righteous idiots that buy a Prius will have even less chance of understanding it and therefore almost no hope of realising that it involves carting around a load of extra weight and rare metals and that if they really wanted to save the bloody planet they’d get a small locally made diesel.
Lagonda concept
I’m going to try just squinting at it and maybe that’ll… fuck, no… oh God, oh God, oh God… you wouldn’t think there was anything left to come up… oh Jesus, I’ve just been very sick again… ohhhh… and again…
Photos: Alan Pervyman
There was a rare moment of optimism for the motor trade this week with news that bragging about what a bargain you got when buying a car has reached its highest level since records began.
Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha sippin’ on any canned drink he muthafuckin’ wanna. But man, I still can’t get rid o’ the taste o’ Red Bull. Feel like I been chewin’ on a dentist’s chair. Hot damn. So Crazy D, he be outta tha F1 racin’ but I jus’ stopped by to advise y’all tha’ ma Crazy D T-shirts be still on sale. Yea. An’ if you wanna slide on Sniff Petrol stylee this summer, they now be down to jus’ £12 each. Tha’s some bad ass need to clear remainin’ stocks. Shee-it. Peace out brothers. Although before I go I did want to clarify once again that Sniff Petrol’s David Coulthard T-shirts are now reduced in price to a very reasonable £12.
The rev counter nestles in the upper quadrant of its range, harmlessly headbutting red paint with ever sturdy shove of my shoe upon the business pedal. Occasionally it slinks away from its new friends at the top end of the register, momentarily recoiling on the cue of another upshift then all at once making a lunge for the line as brake meets toe and the throttle again feels heel, another downchange timed to perfection and slotted home like a searingly hot scalpel slung into a butter factory.
