Archive for August, 2009

Following the success of the car scrappage scheme in the United States, President Barrack Obama is set to reveal a radical extension of the plan as part of his controversial healthcare reforms. Under the new scheme, unofficially titled ‘Cash For Old Bastards’, Americans will be able to trade in their troublesome elderly relatives and receive a brand new child at a significantly reduced cost.

“This is a great way to get old, inefficient people off the streets,” said White House spokesman Jack Badgerburger. “Elderly people pollute the air with their meandering and pointless stories about the old days whilst also making your couch smell of pee. With this new scheme Americans can finally get rid of that annoying grandfather or great aunt and replace it with a clean new baby”.

However, the new scheme is already provoking controversy across the United States, especially amongst rapist-faced right-wing commentators dressing up flimsy invective as ‘news’. “This is nothing short of gosh darned Nazi Communism,” spluttered Rhett Secretligay of Fox News. “This kind of unconstitutional bullplop might work in backward Socialist places like the United Kingdom of England but here in the US we look after our older citizens by giving them a state-funded Medicare system just like they have in England. Oh… damn”.

Even so, critics of the new proposal aren’t limited to gimlet eyed lunatics on mainstream news channels. Some relatively normal people have been quick to point out the flaws inherent in the new plan too. “It’s all well and good taking these elderly people off the streets but what are we going to do with them then?” demanded Luanne Monkeyburger of the action group Mothers For Firing Off Guns Into The Air For No Readily Apparent Reason. “I worry that many people will be throwing away a perfectly good grandmother or kindly uncle and, as I understand it, once an old person has been taking in against a new child they cannot be sold on, even though many families may be able to make good use of a serviceable grandma with her stories about the 1940s and her ready supply of weird candy you can’t find in stores any more”.

Other groups, however, were more sanguine about ‘Cash For Old Bastards’. “Of course this is an outrage,” said Chut Swanburger of action group Midwesterners For Darn Well Letting Me Kiss My Darn Sister If I Wanna. “But this ain’t half as big a problem as Obama’s other darn healthcare reforms. I jus’ saw on Fox News that he’s gonna start sending Death Squads into the streets to harvest innocent citizens for their organs. Gosh darn Socialist Commie Nazi bastard”.

There was more disappointment for former MG Rover workers this week with news that the long-awaited report into the company’s collapse has been eaten by former chief executive Kevin Howe.

Mr Howe, known affectionately at Longbridge as ‘Oh fucking hell, here comes that fat ballbag’, is said to have consumed the entire 400 page document after insisting that he be allowed to see it prior to publication in case it correctly pointed out that he was a bulbous oaf who made a right old cock of running the entire company.

“This is rather embarrassing for us,” said a spokesman for Longlunch & Receiptplease,  the government appointed company responsible for investigating the British car maker’s collapse. “We seem to have spent four years and £16 million compiling this report and then we only made one copy of it. Our photocopier was playing up again you see. Anyway, I suppose the best we can hope is that the tubby David Brent-alike poos out some of the salient points. We’ve got a man in a chemical warfare suit hiding in the sewer beneath his house as we speak, poised to deploy a big net if he sees a scrap of turdy paper float past detailing, for example, how some idiot tried to spunk a load of cash on a DTM racing project whilst the medium hatchback still wasn’t finished”.

However, Howe’s consumption of a very thick document comes as no surprise to those who worked with him at MG Rover. “Kevin was always scoffing whatever he could lay his hands on,” said former Longbridge manager Pleasedon’t Usemyrealname. “They had to stop putting potted plants in his office after a while. And I’m sure at least one of his PAs complained that he kept spreading mint sauce on her hands”. Meanwhile other ex-MG Rover employees claim that Howe used to sit in meetings slowly peeling off Post-It notes and feeding them into his mouth “like slices of ham”, that he used to fresh his breath by “chewing on an Aerial Liquitab”, and that he once spent an entire afternoon sucking all the foam out of fire extinguishers and then ran into the car park “grunting and swigging from a bottle of windscreen washer fluid”. “You never knew what he was going to force into his gob next,” Mr Madeupname admits. “It was just Kevin being Kevin. The fat tit”.

However, other observers were less charitable about the report fiasco. “This whole situation amuses me,” said a spokesman for Kerching, the new owners of Longbridge. “With the £16m spent on this report the British government could have bought 1000 of our reborn MG TF roadsters, bringing the total sold to 1001”.