After revealing the production version of its futuristic XL1 hybrid, Volkswagen has given Sniff Petrol exclusive insight into how the car’s radical weight-saving design philosophy will be reflected in the sales strategy for the car.
‘No fatties,’ said VW advanced engineering director Advan Stendgineering-Direktor. ‘If you’re a chunker, a tubster or a porker you will not be allowed to buy an XL1. We have spent too many years and spent too many millions shaving every last gram from this thing to allow that work to be undone by sweaty lardarses, especially when you take into account that salad-dodgers would also use the car to visit the supermarket where they would load the boot with heavy, fuel-consumption increasing items such as cake, oven chips and more cake.’
Stendgineering-Direktor confirmed that the initial XL1 production run will be just 50 cars and that, in order to attract maximum attention, VW hopes at least some of these first 50 customers will be celebrities: ‘Kate Moss can have one of these,’ he explained. ‘But we will NOT sell one to Eamonn Holmes.’
VW sources note that even the thin people permitted to buy an XL1 must adhere to a strict set of ‘efficiency regulations’ which come with the car and include a ban on thick coats, a Bluetooth system that will recognise the iPhone 5 but not the 4, and an insistence that the only crisps permitted on board are Quavers.
One thing Volkswagen is staying tight lipped on for the moment is the price. ‘The price is irrelevant,’ hissed our VW source. ‘Now jog on, tubby.’