Sebastian Vettel is a ‘bloody twat’ and his behaviour in Malaysia was so disgraceful he should be called a little shit to his face and then brutally beaten to death so that all his points can be given to Mark Webber. That’s the surprise verdict of Sir Stirling Moss who became the latest former driver to give his opinion on this weekend’s controversial Grand Prix, speaking in an exclusive telephone interview with Sniff Petrol.
‘Yea, the bloody pointy fingered Kraut bloody wanker should be just bloody killed,’ ranted Moss, whose accent has mysteriously become Australian. ‘They should just get a bunch of blokes from the pub and hunt the little fucker down and then just beat him and beat him and beat him and beat him and beat him and beat him…’ Sir Stirling continued at an increasingly loud and angry volume.
The respected race ace finally gathered himself together and turned his attentions to Vettel’s team mate Mark Webber. ‘I’m… I mean, Mark is a bloody good bloke,’ Moss said quietly. ‘He’s not the second driver and he should just bloody well get all the points because he’s just bloody well trying to do the best he bloody can,’ the legendary racer concluded, sobbing slightly.
Sniff Petrol was later able to confirm that we were not in fact speaking to Sir Stirling Moss and nor is the 83-year-old motorsport legend now taking ‘some downtime’ to ‘catch a few waves’ on his ‘board’.