The Geneva Motoring Show is a chance for car journalists to check that all the press releases and pictures of new cars they received two weeks ago are actually true whilst perhaps fitting in some light skiing if there’s time. Here is an report.
Opel showed off a new high performance concept which is called the Astra Extreme, not because it has over 300 horsepower but because of its views on immigration. ‘They’re really quite strong,’ warned a spokesman.
Geneva was the first public showing for the BMW 2-series Active Tourer which is not only the firm’s first own-brand front-wheel-drive car but also their first named after someone who hangs around public lavatories.
Over at Jeep the big news was the compact Renegade model. ‘Back once again for the Renegade master, D4 damager, power to the people. Back once again for the Renegade master, D4 damager, with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour,’ said a spokesmna. ‘Ba-bo-de-fo-pow-oh-dee-fo, bbbbbdddddd,’ he added mysteriously.
On the Renault stand all attention as focused on the new, rear-engined Twingo city car. The new model will go on sale initially in ‘Paris’ trim which features pre-scuffed bodywork, factory damaged bumpers and an interior that smells of cigarettes and stylish rudeness.
There was a treat for spot the difference fans on the Audi stand as the German firm revealed the new TT. Following feedback from the model’s core customer base, which is air hostesses, the new car features doors here, here and a single door at the rear whilst all trim levels come with TFT instruments, LED headlights and a whistle for attracting attention. ‘Please remember to get into your own TT before helping others to get into theirs,’ said a spekosman.
Over at the Toyota stand it was the world premier of the new and mysteriously X-faced Aygo which promises practicality, economy and to avenge the death of its ancestors.
Maserati showed off the exciting, full-hipped Alfieri concept. Its name comes from ‘eri’, which is Italian for ‘Jaguar’, and ‘Alfi’ which is Italian for ‘bit of a rip-off of’.
Volkswagen surprised showgoers with the unusual T-ROC concept. ‘The name comes from a German expression for lowering your testicles onto someone’s face, like so,’ said a spkoesman. ‘Wait. Why are you running away?’
McLaren showed off the new 650S and announced that it will be followed by a model marking Ron Dennis’s return to their Formula 1 team, called the 650T. ‘The T stands for tidy,’ a spsokemna confirmed.
Mini wheeled out the Clubman concept which the company says is a work in progress. With that in mind, that show visitors are invited to add a new grille, shape or interior feature of their own. ‘We’re hoping to beat our own benchmark for exhaustingly busy design,’ said an over-styled speakmons.
Volvo revealed the Concept Estate, a one-off designed to reflected one of the company’s great traditions. In this case, their great tradition of announcing yet another fucking concept car.
Finally, Apple used the Geneva Show to reveal details of its new CarPlay system which is the next step in iPhone / car integration and should enable users to shout ‘Play Roxanne… PLAY… ROXANNE… No! Do not call Robin! Cancel! CANCEL! Robin, hello mate, sorry, erm, my stupid car just called you, erm…. So, umm… How’s tricks?’ whilst keeping both hands on the wheel.