Yea, I murdered a homeless guy. So what? by Sebastian Vettel

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, June 27th, 2017

Hi guys! Four time world champion Seb Vettel here! So hey, yea, I murdered a homeless guy! So what? But somehow apparently this is ‘naughty’ and I am penalised for it! The world has gone so crazy! It’s just a totally normal thing that happens, ja? Why all the angry faces? Come on guys, it’s just the brutal slaying of a vagrant!

Look, the guy was totally testing me! Oh for sure, all the evidence says otherwise, but I know what happened and that dude totally deserved to lose his life in a needless street assault! Hey, come on guys, no big deal, it was just cruelly robbing another human of life!

You know, for sure, I was so shocked at all the fuss that at first I didn’t even know what everyone was talking about! What cold blooded stabbing of a tramp, I said? I mean, come on, this sort of thing goes on all the time! Are we really going to punish anyone who, maybe in the heat of the moment, casually knifes a rough sleeper in the back and then lets him bleed to death! Wow, what kind of example does that set for our sport! Are we truly going to say, no guys, don’t get into a late-night argument with a homeless man in an alleyway and then mercilessly extinguish his humanity with a flick knife?!

You know, for sure, we all do crazy things sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we should be punished every time we act in the heat of the moment whether it’s stabbing a homeless man, as I did, or shanking a shop assistant, which I also did! What? Oh come on, you can’t be ruling against that too? Jeez, lighten up guys!

Before you ask, no I won’t be talking to the guy I killed and I certainly won’t be apologising. That’s because he’s dead! But if I could speak to him I would say, hey, maybe next time you should think twice before doing nothing wrong whatsoever!

Why are you arresting me? Fuck off Charlie!

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