Vauxhall announces scrappage scheme

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, September 4th, 2017

An Corsa, yesterday

Vauxhall has announced details of a unique scrappage scheme designed to minimise the number of Vauxhalls on the roads.

Under the new programme, labelled ‘Vauxscrap’, anyone interested in buying a new Corsa will be invited to their local Vauxhall retailer where they will be given £2000 on the understanding that they don’t buy a car. Once they accept the offer, the brand new Corsa they were going to buy will be crushed.

‘We calculate that every year two billion tonnes of extra pollution is created by people in cars that are stuck behind a Corsa doing 26 in a 40 zone,’ explained Vauxhall’s Vix Hall. ‘And an additional one billion tonnes comes from cars, lorries and vans forced to sit idling while they wait for a Corsa driver to spend 37 minutes trying to get into a massive parking space before giving up and driving away. Under Vauxscrap we are doing our bit to lessen that pollution by giving feckless idiots two grand if they don’t buy a car. We then crush a brand new car for every person who takes up this offer, ensuring that a Corsa does not accidentally fall into the hands of someone who sits with their face one inch from the steering wheel rim and has literally no idea how roundabouts work.’

Vauxscrap isn’t the only innovative scrappage scheme to be announced this week as Malaysian giant Proton has revealed a radical plan to keep people from driving its cars by making them terrible.

Comments are closed.