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Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha standin’ next to ma buddie Eddie J on tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee. Oh man, he look like he borrowed he glasses off Deidre muthafunkin’ Barlow. So las’ weekend we slide on Spa side fo’ tha Belgian GeePee. Fo’ sho’. And man, it be wet. As wet as tha laydeez be when Crazy D wear his tight white jeans. Yea. Tha D Man, he like to keep tha merchandise at tha front of tha store. Know wha’am sayin’? So ma man Jenny B, he be havin’ a few issues out there, but what he don’t expect is fo’ one of those issues to be Tha Vettmeister stickin’ he nose in. And I be talkin’ literally, right into tha side of Tha B Man’s ride. That be some ill shit right there. I ain’t seen nuthin’ like that shit fo’ some time. As tha Whit Man be sayin’, it like some fucked up junior formula shit goin’ on. Fo’ shiz. Of course, if you enjoy other formulas of motorsport, don’t forget to follow my exploits driving for Mercedes-Benz in the exciting DTM series.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha standin’ next ta Eddie J on tha BBC. Oh man, he jus’ talkin’ ’bout himself again. So this weekend we slide on over Hungary side and ma buddy Rubey B, he sure be pissed. He say Mickey Schu be runnin’ him into tha wall when they be fightin’ fo’ tha ten slot. Now Crazy D, he know all about that shit from back in tha day, and I be chattin’ about tha day when Tha Schu not be whack. So tha D, he be totally down wit’ Rubey’s shit and ting. Me think Tha Schu be a total dick too. Yea. We do of course discuss all the current issues in Formula 1 in the F1 Forum on the red button after each race, only from the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha in my white disco troosers. So all da layddez can check out tha merchandise. Yea. So this weekend we slide on over German side. When I say Hock, you say Enheim. Yea baby. And there be some bad shit goin’ down in tha land of Deutsch. So all them cats in tha paddock, they be chattin’ about ma boy Nando. They say he be takin’ advantage of tha team orders man and that ma buddy Filly M should have taken tha one slot. Ma bro Eddie J, he get so mad about this, he about to have a bad ass seizure an’ shit. But Crazy Dave, he ain’t so bothered. Team orders, they be happnin’ all tha time man. Crazy D, he still remember getting that radio smackdown fo’ ma brother MikHak down on Oz side. That shit stings man, but if yo don’t believe it still go on, well you jus’ ain’t as street as ol’ Crazy Dave. Know wha’am sayin’? Since you ask, I bought them from a little shop in Monte Carlo, just off Boulevard de Moulins. Ask for Laurent.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha standin’ next ta Eddie J on tha BBC. Oh man, he dress like a Latvian pimp again. So this weekend we sly on over to tha Stone that is Silver fo’ the British Gee ta tha Pee. An’ ma buddy Sharky Mark, he feeling dissed by the Bull that be Red cuz tha team they be favouring ma man Sebby V. Tha’s some bad shit right there. But Tha Shark, he ain’t gonna quit cuz he be from Australia and he be used to cookin’ outside and walkin’ across the desert in da flippy de flops an’ shit. So he tough. When da lights go out, he be on that bee-atch an’ Sebby V, he got some other shit to deal wit’ cuz ma homie De Ham, he give he a burst rubber. Take it from Crazy D, yo don’t want yo rubber goin’ pop at the wrong time. Know wha’ I’m sayin’? With Sebby V out tha frame, Tha Shark, he on it man. He slide it in smooth on tha one slot from lights to flag. And then he take that trophy and he shove it up Da Horner man’s ass. Fo’ sho’. Crazy Dave, he gone. Peace out. Although please do remember that you can access additional coverage and analysis on the interactive red button after every race, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on tha all new Sniff Petrol. Fo’ shizzle. So wha’appnin’ in tha Formula 1? Well ma man Mark Da Shark be slidin’ along behind Kov To Tha Lov and he be all up in he face an’ shit when Tha Kov he pull some crazy brakin’ shee-it. Well Da Shark, he ain’t got nowhere to go but up. That some crazy flyin’ shit right there. I ain’t seen such mad skillz since ma bro Marty B do his acrobatics in Australia back in tha day. And yet Da Shark, he jus’ stride away. Respec’. He one muthafuckin’ cool customer. And don’t forget to press the red button on your remote for more post-race analysis, only from the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha sippin’ on any canned drink he muthafuckin’ wanna. But man, I still can’t get rid o’ the taste o’ Red Bull. Feel like I been chewin’ on a dentist’s chair. Hot damn. So Crazy D, he be outta tha F1 racin’ but I jus’ stopped by to advise y’all tha’ ma Crazy D T-shirts be still on sale. Yea. An’ if you wanna slide on Sniff Petrol stylee this summer, they now be down to jus’ £12 each. Tha’s some bad ass need to clear remainin’ stocks. Shee-it. Peace out brothers. Although before I go I did want to clarify once again that Sniff Petrol’s David Coulthard T-shirts are now reduced in price to a very reasonable £12.
OCH AYE THA CLICK HERE to buy a T-shirt

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha fo’ one las’ time wit’ tha wicked flava of Red Bull. Actually, come to think of it, tha shit taste fuckin’ disgusting. So this be it, Crazy D he run his last race in tha Formula they be callin’ One. An’ you know what? Tha D, he leave tha thang tha way he wanna be remembered. Crashing out on tha first lap and then makin’ a low an’ slow walk back to tha’ pit. Yea. That be Crazy D style, fo’ sho’. It all been off tha hook man, but now it be time to do wha’ a lotta people said he should be doin’ when he at McLaren and getting’ the fuck outta here. Peace out homies, peace out.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ tha great smell o’ Red Bull. Splash it on all over. An’ then get attacked by wasps. No way. So we slide on over Belgique side an’ Crazy D, he take it smooth an’ low. Yea. He stick it nice in qualifyay, tuck up on tha fo’teen slot cuz tha’s the way he roll. Medium pace. Then on tha Sundayay Crazy D he chilled like Crystal fo’ tha race. Yea. But when tha work be done, everyone they ain’t be chattin’ ‘bout how Crazy D keep it jus’ outside tha top ten again, they jus’ be sayin’ how ma man Da Ham be dissed by tha F-to-tha-I-to-tha-A ‘cuz they give he a penaltyay fo’ cuttin’ wit’ Tha Kimster. That be bad shit man. No one know why this crap be goin’ down. Perhaps it is because the governing body of F1 is a complete shower of useless wankers.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy D openin’ one o’ his last cans o’ the mad taste o’ Red Bull. Kinda like drinkin’ that stuff they use to give labs rats a heart attack. Yea. So this be it brothers, Crazy D, he announce that he hangin’ up he helmet. Don’ worry ladies, I only mean ma helmet of tha safety kind. Know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ sho. So people, they be sayin’ why you quit D Man? And tha D, he take it coooool. ‘Cuz he be considerin’ his otha opportunitaaaaays, yea yea. An’ ain’t no one gonna say is just pre-mothafuckin’-emptive strike ‘cuz Marky Mark and Seb Vetay got tha Red Bull shee-it sewn up fo’ ’09. No way. However, if you would like a copy of my CV and a full list of references than please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ on strong wit’ tha fierce flava o’ Red Bull. Smell like tha reception area at a horse insemination centre. Yea. So we sly on over Monte C side and man, it be wet like da ladeez when Crazy D in da house. Know wha’a mean? Some of dem bloods, they be sayin’ that all Crazy D doin’ in ’08 is gettin’ into a smackdown wit’ some other cats on da track. Yea, well tha D Man he be provin’ them wrong. Cuz this time he don’t get no contact wit’ any other car. No, he hit tha barrier. That show them haters they don’ know shee-it. And if anyone says that I’m clearly going to be sacked by the team at the end of the season I shall kick three colours of shit out of them.