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Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha, rockin’ tha tighty whitey jeans in tha comm box. Y’all can’t see dem but you knows I is wearin’ ‘em. Oh man, it be hard to sit down.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Italia side fo’ tha Monza Gee to tha Pee. Man, that be some low downforce shizzle and some mad Gurney flap action. That not be tha only flap action Crazy D be down wit’, know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ shizziddy.

So, when tha five an’ out be goin’ down, ma boy Nando be pullin’ some smooth moves on ma buddy Sebby V and he be takin’ tha one slot. Thing is, Tha V, that be a total diss fo’ he and that shit, it ain’t gonna stick. He be pullin’ some mad, kickin’ up dirt kinda shi’, he be past and he be off like Crazy D towards a tighty trouser shop. Fo’ shizzamizzle.

Meanwhizzle, ma boy Tha Ham be gettin’ all bent outta shape by an old guy we call Mickey Schu. Yea, tha’s right. Tha Schuster, he get his mojo back. That be some mad aggressive door closin’ action, Schumaster. Then Jenny B be movin’ in like a muthafunkin’ shark and takin’ ‘em both down. Yea, tha’ be some sweet ass shorter gearin’ right there. Fo’ shizzidizzirizzle.

Come tha checky flag, it be tha Buttmeister stuck between Sebby V and Tha Nando on tha three step pop ‘n’ piss. Respec’ to y’all cuz that be some fly ass racin’ action. Fo’ shizziggedyizzleniz.

And don’t forget to join us again in two weeks time for the distinctive night race in Singapore, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave cimin’ atcha live from the box of comm. wit’ ma buddy Marty B. Mmm, this shit be workin’ out betta than anyone expected. So this weekend we slide on over to tha Stone that is Silver fo’ tha muthafunkin’ British Gee Pee. Man, they got some bad ass new facilities goin’ down. I jus’ hope it don’ look dated in ten years time, fo’ shiddly shizz.

So come tha qualificatiation, all tha teams, they be arguin’ and dissin’ cuz of tha dispute wit’ tha exhausts and ting. Shee-it. Crazy D never have this problem when it comes to gettin’ he’s diffuser blown, know wha’am sayin’? Hot diggedy.

So tha teams get their shizz together but then tha clouds open and it be rainin’ like a bad ass. That be what we call a lotta inches of Scottish sunshine. Yea, Crazy D jus’ made a funny. Deal wit’ it. Ma Brit buddies Jenny B and Tha Ham, they ain’t havin’ so much fun out there but mad props to ma homie P diddy Resta who slam it on tha six slot, Scotchland stylee. Fo’ sho’.

Come tha five an’ out, things be all shook up. My boys Sebby V and Tha Web ain’t be getting’ it all they’s own way cuz tha boy Nando by all up in they griddle and when they be havin’ some bad shit goin’ down with they’s stops, that ‘Rari be flyin’ by. Things be even worse fo’ ma bro Jenny B cuz he be havin’ some problem with he nuts. Y’all gotta check ‘em regularly fellas, know wha’am sayin’. Then we got Tha Ham who ain’t takin’ no shee-it from tha boy Philly Mass and be runnin’ it crazy to tha line, fo’ shiddly.

Come tha triple height pop ‘n’ piss, Tha Nando be on tha top step wit’ Sebby V and Tha Web close behind, but Marky Mark ain’t be happy cuz Tha C Horn gone tell he to let Tha V Man take tha two slot. That be some bad team morale shee-it goin’ down right there and lemme tell you right now, that don’t be the kind of shee-it that Crazy D would put up wit’.

Of course, if the issue was making an agreement to let Mika Hakkinen past then I would have been only too happy to comply with my team mate’s request.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave mixin’ up some phat commentary booth flavas with ma man Marty B. Respec’. So las’ weekend we slide on over Shanghai side fo’ tha Chinese Grand Prix and in tha one shot hot slot, ma boy Sebby V, he be all up on that mess and slam dunk it on tha pole with ma homies Da Ham and Jenny B on he ass behind. That’s some hot cool shit right there. Fo’ shizz.

Ain’t so gravy fo’ ma buddy M Web cuz that cat got some badass problems wit’ tha rubber and stuff. He be sittin’ on tha nine row and man, when that kinda shit goes down, a brother be thinkin’ that he be better off jus’ jumpin’ on tha G6 and headin’ outta there. But that ain’t tha way Tha Webman rolls, no way. Come tha five light red drop, that cat jus’ take it nice and slow and he work his way up tha field. Softly, softly, catchy that muthafunkin’ monkey, fo’ shanizz.

Tings ain’t so sweet fo’ Jenny B though cuz that brother, he take he eye off tha ball and be pullin’ into tha wrong box. Hot damn, that ain’t no thang you be catching Crazy D be doing, least not without askin’ first. Know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ shibblanizzabaliz.

Man, this be some mad ass racin’ right there and come tha three step fizz jizz it be Tha Ham that take tha one slot with Sebby V on he ass. But who dis be on tha three slot? It ma boy Marky Mark. Man that be some mature and consistent drivin’. Respec’. Yea, that be some race out there. Tha’s why they say, when a dude see tha Chinese Gee Pee, a hour later he wan’ another one. Badoom muthafuckin’ tish!

For more detailed analysis of every Formula 1 race, don’t forget to press the red button on your remote control to access the unique F1 Forum, only from the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary box fo’ 2011 wit’ ma bro Marty B. Fo’ shizz. So las’ week we slide on over upsidedown style fo’ tha Australian Gee tat ha Pee. Hot shee-it. That place be a long way from where Crazy D be from on tha mean streets of tha West Side. Yea, West Side Monte Carlo, know wha’am sayin’? But tha D, he don’ sweat it, y’all wanna know why? Cuz all that distance mean he be rackin’ up some sweet ass frequent flyer miles, fo’ sho’. Pretty soon, tha D gonna be bookin’ a short haul European flight, paying tha economy price, but he gonna be entitled to be usin’ tha business muthafuckin’ lounge. BOOM! Tha’s tha way D Man roll. Y’all get me?

So Sunday be comin’ around an’ when tha lights go out, ma buddy Sebby V, he be outta there wit’ his bad ass skillz. Now that be cool, but ma man Da Ham, he ain’t gonna put up wit’ that shee-it and he be workin’ it baby, keeping it smooth on tha two slot. Swee-eet. But what this be goin’ down fo’ tha third place? It be tha boy V Petty. Man, where’d that cat suddenly learn to do that? He keep it ice cool and bring it all home fo’ he’s first time on tha three step spray an’ wave. High five ma Ruskie bro. Peace.

And don’t forget to set an alarm this coming Sunday because coverage of the Malaysian Grand Prix starts at 8am sharp, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary booth. Tha’s right, Tha D-Man, he be landing a sweeeeeeet ass promotion on tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee. Ma buddy Jonny Ledge, he be like tha Battle of Hastings and Mikey Schumacher’s career – his-tor-eeee.

Fo’ tha full flava season oh-eleven, you gonna be listenin’ to tha smooth sounds of Crazy D and his boy Marty B rockin’ tha mike-ro-phone. Oh yea. There’s gonna be some big style bringing similar qualities to tha table action all season long. Fo’ shnizz. Or at least until the BBC realises that employing two former drivers and no one with lead commentary experience probably isn’t such a good idea.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha fo’ tha festive season. Man, it be whiter than ma tighty white jeans out there. Hot diggedy. So Crazy D, he jus’ stop by to say a merry muthafunkin’ Christmas to all tha bad ass homies who gone read Sniff Petrol in this past year. Respec’ an’ peace to each and every one of y’all. And Tha D, he also wanna say that you gotta be careful this Christmas. There be some bad ass slipperiness out there, and Crazy D, he only want it slippery when he be wit’ tha laydeez. Know wha’ sayin’? Fo’ shiz. See, I don’t wanna disrespec’ anyone out there, but you ain’t necessarily got tha skillz of an F1 driva, see wha’am sayin’? Whereas, Tha D-meister, when he get in tha ice, he jus’ think back to he F1 days. Befo’ you knows it, he be getting that slide under control and there be only about seven or eight cars ahead of he. Oh yea, it takes he back fo’ sho’. So that be Crazy D all done fo’ tha year. Peace out homies, peace out. Of course, if the cold snap continues you really should consider investing in a good quality set of winter tyres for your car. Merry Christmas and a very happy new year.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha live from the McLaren mission control centre in tha bad ass ‘hood of Wo-to-tha-king. Yea. Oh man, it more grey than tha ass of a elephant. So las’ weekend all tha F1 teams slide on over Korea side, but that shit ain’t fo’ Crazy D. He prefer to keep things nice an’ dry. Unless we talkin’ about tha ladeez when he walk in tha room. Know wha’ ‘am sayin’? Ma buddies J Humph and Eddie J, they be standin’ on a buildin’ site in tha rain and Tha D, he be in tha U to tha K, livin’ large Northside. Tha Northside of Surrey. Fo’ sho’. Mud an’ rain ain’t Tha D Man’s thang, man. Not when he be rockin’ these tighty whitey jeans. Hot diggedy. So all tha driva boys, they be a creepin’ round behind tha safety car and ma buds from tha Bee Bee Cee, they be gettin’ wet an’ shit while Crazy D, he be keepin’ on tha downlow listenin’ to tha phat sounds of some hardcore boring ass data. Mmm, that be some tedious mathematical shee-it. Oh yea. Of course, if the technical side of Formula 1 is of interest to you, don’t forget the F1 Forum on the red button after every single race, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha with L’il Eddie J on tha Bee Bee Cee. Oh maaaan, it like he borrow he shirts off Pat Butcher. Hot damn. So las’ week we slide on over Singapo’ side and tha boy Nando, he stick it on tha one slot fo’ tha go. Nex’ day, tha boy Sebby V, he be all hot an’ heavy wit’ that shit when tha lights go out. That don’ be a problem fo’ Crazy D. When he be wit’ a lady, he take it nice an’ slow, know wha’am sayin’? Smooov. Nando, he be all up on that shit and Sebby V, he ain’t getting’ nowhere. That be some bad ass mature racecraft. Unlike ma buddy Da Ham who be making a bad smack down, again. An’ when Crazy D say ‘bad’, he be meaning in tha sense of ‘shit’. Furthermore, please do remember that there is more in-depth discussion of every race in the F1 Forum on the red button, only from the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha standin’ next to ma buddy Eddie J on tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee. Oh man, how many cheap tablecloths he cut up to make that shirt? So las’ weekend we slide on over Italiano style fo’ tha Monza Gee Pee and ma man Jenny B, he be in tha game man, slammin’ his junk down on tha two slot fo’ the get go. An’ when tha reds be goin’ out he lay some cool shit on Nando and Filly M and he be out in front while ma boy Tha Ham be mixing up some phat errors and takin’ he self down. So Tha B-man, he be lookin’ good to take tha one slot fo’ tha race but then he got to stop fo’ tha rubbers and that let tha Nando through. It be some bad shit man. That not be a problem fo’ Crazy D cuz I always make sure I got tha rubbers on hand, know wha’am sayin’ laydeez? Yea. Viewers in the UK should remember that after every race we host the F1 forum which they can also watch through the excellent BBC Formula 1 website.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha standin’ next to ma buddie Eddie J on tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee. Oh man, he look like he borrowed he glasses off Deidre muthafunkin’ Barlow. So las’ weekend we slide on Spa side fo’ tha Belgian GeePee. Fo’ sho’. And man, it be wet. As wet as tha laydeez be when Crazy D wear his tight white jeans. Yea. Tha D Man, he like to keep tha merchandise at tha front of tha store. Know wha’am sayin’? So ma man Jenny B, he be havin’ a few issues out there, but what he don’t expect is fo’ one of those issues to be Tha Vettmeister stickin’ he nose in. And I be talkin’ literally, right into tha side of Tha B Man’s ride. That be some ill shit right there. I ain’t seen nuthin’ like that shit fo’ some time. As tha Whit Man be sayin’, it like some fucked up junior formula shit goin’ on. Fo’ shiz. Of course, if you enjoy other formulas of motorsport, don’t forget to follow my exploits driving for Mercedes-Benz in the exciting DTM series.