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‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be filing a report. On Sunday 27 July 2010 I done proceed to the German Grand Prix, what done be in Germany. Here I done overhear a conversation what done occur between an IC1 male who done be one Mr Robert Smedley, and another IC1 male, who done be Mr Felipe Massa. It done seem to me that what Mr Smedley gone done there is say something what done be highly suspicious. I done gone have my suspicions confirmed shortly afterwards when Mr Massa done slow his vehicle what done allow an IC1 twat, one Mr Fernando Alonso, to gone go gone past him and done be in the lead of the race. I done therefore conclude that Mr Massa done be robbed. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be filing a report. On Sunday 11 July I did proceed to the Silverstone area where I done observe a Force India vehicle driven by a Mr Adrian Sutil what done did collide with the rear of a white BMW driven by a Mr Pedro de la Rosa. I done note that Mr Sutil done fail to stop, unlike Mr de la Rosa who done be forced to stop with regard to the damage what done be done to his vehicle. I done also note an incident in which a Mr Mark Webber done report that someone done take a part from his vehicle and done gone give it to someone else to use on their own vehicle. I done conclude from this that Mr Webber done be robbed. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Blundell done be filing a report. On Sunday 27 June I done be in the Valencia area of Spain when I done observe an IC1 male, Mr Mark Alan Webber, who done gone collide with what done be the back of a green Lotus vehicle driven by another IC1 male later identified as Heikki Johannes Kovalainen. The force of said impact done be making Mr Webber’s vehicle proceed in an upwards direction what then done be followed be a downwards direction. His vehicle then done proceed at some speed directly towards what done be a wall of tyres what done prevent him from proceeding any further. Mr Webber done be lucky to then proceed out of his vehicle without having done be doing himself an injury. Approximately 20 minutes later I done receive a call from a Mr Alonso who done claim he been robbed. I recommend that Mr Alonso done be charged with wasting police time. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Blundell done be filing a report. On Sunday 28 September I done proceed in an Easterly direction to the Singapore Grand Prix, what done be in Singapore. Here I did done observe what, to be honest, is done becoming an all too common problem. At approximately 20:30 hours I done observe an IC1 male (what done be later identified as one Felipe Massa) in a red motor vehicle stopping for fuel. What done happen next is that, in fairness, the lad then go and done a runner, causing what done be substantial damage to the fuel pump in what done be, to be honest, the process. Sadly, this sort of attempt to leave a premises without done paying for fuel is done be an all too common occurrencing, especially when it done be at night. In fairness, at the end of the day… I sometimes watch a film and then go to bed. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 3 August I done proceed in an easterly direction to the Hungarian city of Budpest, what is in Hungary. Here I did observe what, to be honest, done be a Grand Prix, what was occurring at this moment in time. I were paying particular attention to the commencement of the aforesaid event when I done did notice an IC2 male, one Mr Philippe Massa, what did attempt to overtake an IC3 male, one Mr Lewis Hamilton. What the lads done gone did there was, to be honest, textbook. Let this be an important lesson for all motorists about the importance of leaving room for any overtaking manoeuvre and using your mirrors at all times. To be honest, I done be commending Mr Massa and Mr Hamilton for their roadcraft. However, I done then be disappointed to notice that Mr Massa done gone suffer what, to be honest, was a breakdown what done then gone force him to exit his vehicle without first done be putting on what, in fairness, should be a high visibility jacket. I hope other motorists will done gone be learning from what done be his mistake. In fairness, at the end of the day… I put the bins out. If it’s a Tuesday. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be investigating from the Australian Grand Prix what, to be honest, is in Australia. I was, in fairness, particularly interested in a series of incidents what done involve vehicles what has left the road. The first incident done involve a red Ferrari what done be driven by a Mr Phillipe Massa what did spin. I later done observed another red Ferrari driven by a Mr Kimi Raikkonen what done also spin also. Finally, to be honest, I done notice a red and white Toyota of Mr Timo Glock what done lose control, do done a little jump and then, to be fair, done spin a bit. This should done be a lesson to all motorists on the road that they should done leave their vehicle’s traction control on for safety reasons at all times. Unless it done been banned. What, in fairness, in F1 it done have. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 16 September I done proceed in a southerly direction to the Spa-Francorchamps region what done be in Belgium to witness what are the Belgian Grand Prix. During this time I were in the area of the track when I done observe a vehicle what was moving unusually slowly and then did done stop in what were not, literally, a designated stopping place. Investigations revealed that the vehicle was driven by a Mr Button of Frome what, to be honest, is in Somerset. Mr Button was unavailable for questioning regarding this unusual behaviour but my investigations done discover that one possible cause is that he done be driving a car what is, to be fair, a pile of shit. I done therefore close this investigations. I am now dealing with a report from a Mr Dennis of Woking what says he has lost a number of world constructors’ championship points and done believe he been robbed. At the end of the day, to be fair, I watch the news. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. I recently done received notification of a possible felony what been committed in the F1 area, what done involve the theft of some documents from the premises of Ferrari SpA. What done happen is that they says they have been robbed by the lads at McLaren who, in fairness, done says that isn’t the situation. Following some investigations what done be proceeded by my colleagues in FIA it done turn out that a Mr Dennis of McLaren, he got what is, in fairness, the result what he is looking for, what turns out to be the verdict of not guilty. However, my colleague Comandante Macaluso of the ACI-CSAI, he done not be pleased with that and he done be working with a Mr Todt who done gone proceed to the International Court. Investigations is therefore, in fairness, proceeding. I is also investigating the appearance of a Mr Kubica who does look, in fairness, suspiciously like an owl. At the end of the day, to be fair, I go to bed. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Saturday 21 July I proceeded to the Nurburgring what is in Germany where I done witnessed an RTA involving a silver Mercedes vehicle driven by a Mr Lewis Hamilton what was seen to collide with a grey barrier type object. This was a bit of bad luck for the lad but what he done is go to hospital and, in fairness, he was okay. What done then did happen is that on Sunday 22 July Mr Hamilton was able to proceed to the starting grid where, in fairness, he done make good progress before being involved in another RTA what done also involve a Mr Button, a Mr Rosberg, a Mr Sutil, a Mr Speed and a Mr Liuzzi. This should be a lesson to any motorists what should make sure they done got the proper tyres for the prevailing conditions. Meanwhile, my investigations is continuing into the behaviour of a Mr Raikkonen what is suspiciously disappointing. At the end of the day, in fairness, it gets dark. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 8 July what I done was proceeded to the Silverstone circuit what is in Northamptonshire. What done happen there is that an IC3 male, one Mr Lewis Hamilton, he gone put his vehicle on pole. Routine questioning revealed that what he done is gone drive fasterer than what the other drivers did done on Saturday 7 July during the hours of qualifying. In fairness, that was a great performance from the lad. Howevertheless, what done happened on the next day what followed is that Hamilton he gone done had a problem with regards to his vehicle, allowing two IC1 males, what is Mr Kimi Raikkonen and Mr Fernando Alonso, to proceed ahead of him. At the end of the day, what that was meaning is that Mr Hamilton was gone and come in third what, in fairness, is not a bad result. My investigations is continuing, especially into the performance of the Honda vehicles which, in fairness at the end of the day, continues to be criminal. Over and out.