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GM reveals reason for choosing Ellesmere Port
The Ellesmere Port factory today, yesterday
Following today’s announcement that the next Astra will be built at Ellesmere Port, General Motors has revealed the key determining factor behind the decision – moustaches.
‘It’s a little known fact that car production is at its most efficient when performed by men with moustaches,’ said a GM speakingperson. ‘Moustaches prevent droplets of sweat from building up on the upper lip, reducing by 86 percent the time spent wiping your face rather than continuing to install a dashboard.’
‘For this reason we have traditionally centred car production in Germany due to the continuing social acceptability of the moustache amongst the male population,’ the spokerman continued. ‘Since the end of the 1970s, the UK has fallen way behind in moustache terms and in most regions the moustache is sported only by middle aged gay men and irritating hipsters, neither of whom seem especially interested in assembling cars. However, the managers at our Ellesmere Port plant were able to demonstrate that the Merseyside region is unique within the UK in boasting both a car building skill base and a large percentage of untrendy heterosexuals with moustaches.’
As a result of today’s decision, GM will invest £125m in the Ellesmere Port factory and hire a further 700 men and women with moustaches.
Whilst it’s good news for British car making, the announcement could be bad news for workers at GM’s plant in Bochum, Germany where moustache levels are falling. ‘We believe we can still compete with the Ellesmere Port moustaches,’ said a sprechenherr for the Bochum’s biggest workers’ council. ‘Und also, we still have 14 percent more mullets.’
Behind the scenes at Top Gear
If you’re a fan of the popular televisual programme Top Gear you might be interested in Sniff Petrol’s brand new behind-the-scenes book about the show.
It’s called Ambitious But Rubbish and it tells the stories behind some of Top Gear’s most memorable moments including the events that inspired attempts to destroy a Toyota Hilux, the rather unusual wager behind James May’s caravan airship, the secrets of the Botswana special, what really happened in that Alabama petrol station and many, many other things.
Ambitious But Rubbish is published on 24 May but you can pre-order a copy from the nice people at Amazon by effecting a clicking motion here.
Job done
A well earned reward, yesterday
As you might know if you followed last week’s series of repetitive Tweets, this past weekend Sniff Petrol was acting as support crew for four friends as they attempted the epic 54 mile, 24 hour Thunderwalk challenge across the Brecon Beacons. And the good news is, THEY DID IT!
Better yet, my brave chums came home in a time of 21 hours and 35 minutes, which means that out of 50 teams taking part, they were inside the top ten (ignoring a bunch of Marines who did it in about 25 minutes and then went to sleep in a river).
Sincere thanks to all Sniff Twatteration followers who sponsored my mates in their endeavours and raised lots of well deserved money for Together For Short Lives. If you’re feeling generously inclined towards the remarkable achievements of four paunchy blokes approaching 40, you can still chip in some cash here.
Ithangyoo.
