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Vettel arrives for his crazy party, yesterday

Newly crowned F1 world champion Sebastian Vettel yesterday celebrated his second consecutive driver’s title with a typically ‘wild und crazy’ party in Tokyo.

Red Bull sources say the party started at 5pm when vast tables were laid out, groaning under the weight of free drinks including Pepsi, 7-Up, and Tizer. The tables also accommodated a sumptuous spread of food that included cheese on sticks, small slices of pizza, and jelly. ‘There were an incredible SIX flavours of crisps!’ said one team insider. ‘Seven, if you count ready salted as a flavour.’

Guests for the lavish party included Adrian Sutil, Nico Rosberg, Sebastian Buemi, Jamie Alguersuari, and Felipe Massa, although Ferrari later forced him to give his invitation to Fernando Alonso.

One guest, who asked not to be named, confirmed that the party was even wilder than expected. ‘At one point the music just stopped,’ our VIP revealed. ‘And then we all sat down, but there were not enough chairs and Pastor Maldonado was out of the game!’

Red Bull spies confirm that the party went on until at least 8:30pm when Vettel himself decided he was tired and got his parents to take him home.

Vettel’s championship celebrating antics contrast with those of Kimi Raikkonen who went on a 48 hour bender with two friends, consuming over 750 litres of vodka and five tonnes of ice cream in the process. Quite why Raikkonen felt the need to celebrate Vettel’s second F1 championship remains a mystery.

The new M5, yesterday

The new BMW M5 is so incredible that it can actually cure AIDS. That’s according to reports emerging from the new super saloon’s press launch in Spain.

Early road tests of the car also note that, aside from ‘an incredible engine’ and ‘a sublime chassis’, the latest M car can also ‘banish famine’ and ‘eradicate drought’. At least one journalist also noted that with the seven-speed double clutch gearbox in ‘sport+’ mode, gearchanges are ‘lightning fast’ and can ‘broker a lasting peace in the Middle East’.

Despite these remarkable abilities, several writers have also pointed out that the M5 is still capable of ‘seating four adults in comfort’ and ‘making you better looking and more successful’ whilst the right combination of chassis and ESP settings make the driver not only ‘marvel at its understeer resistance’ but also ‘a more considerate lover’.

Sniff Petrol tried to contact several of the car journalists who have driven the new M5 to find out more but they had all gone blind.

SAAB, yesterday

After successfully securing protection from creditors, SAAB has turned to British sports car maker Lotus for advice on how to turn its business around.

‘Oh yea, premium aspirational sporty excellence,’ said Lotus CEO Dany Bahaha. ‘We have already given SAAB some tips on how to reinvent themselves. Heritage opinion-former premium system. First of all, they have got to keep hiring famous name top level management. Emotional aspirational premium sporty authenticness. Yes, we have Karl-Heinz Kalbfell and Claudio Berro and Bob Lutz and Gordon Murray and Swizz Beatz and so on. But there are still at least 45 people in the world who aren’t on the management team of Lotus. Upscale web-compatible lifestyle aspiration premium cash-rich, time-poor.’

Bahaha went on to outline the key idea behind Lotus’s reinvention which he believes could benefit SAAB. ‘They have got to start announcing new cars. One a week at least, or maybe six at once at a motorshow. Prestige iconic heritage premium quality performance appeal. And then some more at another motorshow. And some motorsport cars. So many new announcements that it is completely impossible to understand what is going on any more. That is what will save the company. You know, when I started this at Lotus, people said I was mad. But I am not. Weasel hats.’

Industry sources say that SAAB needs to act quickly to save its business following reports that John Towers has been spotted boarding a plane to Sweden holding a £10 note.