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A Micra, yesterday

Two years ago Toyota was forced to recall thousands of cars following well-publicised problems with brakes and cases of unintended acceleration. Now fellow Japanese car giant Nissan is to issue a similarly far-reaching recall for its popular Micra model.

The recall is in response to a number of observed problems with the Micra including loss of performance causing the car to move much more slowly than surrounding traffic and steering issues which may cause it to be in the wrong lane on a multi-lane road.

There are also suggestions of electrical problems which may cause the car’s indicators to operate too late, not at all or to remain on long after the turn has been made. It’s not yet known if these same electrical glitches are responsible for wipers that stay on the fast wipe setting long after the rain has passed and headlights that fail to illuminate after it has gone dark.

It is certain, however, that alerting the driver to these problems isn’t always easy thanks to serious flaws in windscreens and side windows which make the occupant of the car unable to see the wild gesticulations or hear the angry shouts of other motorists.

To find out how widespread these potential problems are, Sniff Petrol spoke to long-time Nissan Micra owner Rosemary Whasps. ‘You’re not Jimmy. Where’s Jimmy?’ she said. ‘What’s a Micron? I’m 89 you know. Would you like some cake? It’s got cat biscuits in it. I’m 91 you know.’

Meanwhile, Audi has been forced to recall all A3s, A4s and Q7s made in the last five years after accidentally installing a powerful magnet behind the front bumper.

Vauxhall announced today that its forthcoming baby car will be called the Adam, and the company has already outlined the trim levels that will be available on the car at launch.

Starting at a price likely to exceed that of a basic Corsa, the entry-level car will be the Adam ‘Sandler’. Vauxhall says this model will be ‘fun and amusing’ but also ‘quite tedious after a while’. As a result, it will be predominantly aimed at ‘the young, and idiots’.

Above the Sandler will be the Adam ‘Levine’ boasting an offputtingly gristly body which, Vauxhall claims, will ‘encourage onlookers to say, “I don’t care if you move like Jagger, for fuck’s sake put a shirt on”’. Vauxhall insists that, despite appearances, this model will err towards the middle of the road.

For around the same money, buyers will also be offered the Adam ‘Woodyatt’ which promises to maintain exactly the same appearance for over 25 years, though Vauxhall warns that it probably won’t go anywhere in that period either.

Finally, at the top of the range, the Adam ‘Ant’. This model will boast additional exterior trim including frilly wheelarches and an inexplicable white band below the headlamps. ‘Ridicule is nothing to be scared of,’ said a Vauxhall spokesman yesterday.