Archive for the ‘Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum’ Category

Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum

Posted in Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum, Columns, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, January 6th, 2017

Got a problem? Want a passive aggressive knobslit to answer it by acting like he owns the place? Okay then.

tpfaif_6Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
A while ago I remember you recommending a particular car but I can’t recall what it was. Could you jog my memory?
KM, London

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
Ever heard of a little thing called the search function? I guess not. Maybe the mods could lock this thread before it gets ugly, although it’s already too late for that one thanks to the actions of some people, mentioning no names, KM. My girlfriend would know the answer to this one, and she’s not even that into cars, although I live in hope!! I think you’ll find the car I was referring to was my very own steed of choice, the Honda Civic Type-S. Or, as my girlfriend calls it, (more…)

Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum volume 5

Posted in Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum, Columns by Total Prick From An Internet Forum on Friday, November 20th, 2015

TPFAIF_5Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
This F1 season has been a let down for me. I think the sport needs to go back to basics, simplifying the rules and in particular looking at reducing the complexity of the aerodynamics to permit closer racing. What do you reckon?
Rob, Coventry

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
So you’re in charge of F1 now are you? I must have missed that memo. Listen, you can sit there spouting your opinions but you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. I have a very close friend who works for a major team and the things he tells me are incredible and would expose your ignorance, though of course I can’t tell you any more than that. Perhaps in future you should keep your thoughts to yourself or learn to treat this forum and its members with some respect. These armchair critics really make me laugh. The simple fact is, unless your name is one B. Ecclestone you’re not in a position to judge. End of.

 

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
I live in the sticks and have a Land Cruiser as my everyday car but I really fancy a Land Rover as a bit of a toy. Torn between an old series 3 or a more modern Defender with a few trick bits. Any thoughts?
HT, Shropshire

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
It’s like you haven’t read a thing I’ve said. Old Land Rovers are literally the worst cars in the world unless you literally want to hack one arm off to fit in it and then literally suffer a broken leg every time you use the clutch and then it will literally break down every time you drive it. I don’t even need to have driven one to tell you that this is obviously the case and you must be missing a brain if you think otherwise. Fact. In all the time I have owned my Honda Civic Type-S I have never, repeat NEVER, had a single problem with it. Why do you think I can’t imagine a single car I would replace it with? What, you think it’s because I’m a low ranking IT professional and I can’t afford anything else now my parents have started charging me rent? Whatever. If you consider anything other than an HCT-S you’re doing it wrong and methinks someone’s going to come crying back when your stupid ‘fashion’ car goes wrong again. Why is your tone so aggressive? I’m being polite and you seem determined to turn this into an argument. Frankly, your post offends me and I will be reporting you to the mods. You have left me with no choice. Simple as.

 

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
Hey mate. Will there be any other forum meet ups this year? Gutted I couldn’t make the Nurburgring trip last month.
Dave, London

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
Oh my God, I can’t believe you missed the HCT-SF ‘Ringmaster weekend. Garlic bread? Garlic? Bread?!!!! SuperPete87 knows what I mean! Amazing weekend! “And then SHE said!!!!!” 😉 Awesome time with awesome people. One meeeeeeeellion dollars!!!!! 🙂 Ask VTEC_Simon about the kettle!!!!!!!! Are those standard rims?????? 😉 LEMON MERINGUE!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL 🙂 🙂 🙂

 

Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum… about Top Gear

Posted in Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum, Columns by Total Prick From An Internet Forum on Thursday, November 27th, 2014

TPFAIF_4Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
What do you think of this thing about Top Gear and the Porsche number plate in Argentina? Reckon it was deliberate?
Rav, Sheffield

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
I think there’s some people on here who need to wake up and SERIOUSLY smell the coffee. Of course it was deliberate. It’s completely obvious that Top Gear decided to film in Argentina and then combed the UK looking for a car that had a number plate that looked a bit like a reference to the Falklands war and that, luckily for them, the right plate happened to be on a Porsche 928 GT. It’s TYPICAL of Top Gear to assign a team of hundreds to searching the nation to find the right plate and/or illegally hacking into the DVLA computer in order to make a joke like this. They were just fortunate that the right plate was on a very rare car that Clarkson likes and that the car in question was also for sale so they could buy it. That is what happened. FACT.

 

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
So you know this Top Gear number plate thing. Apparently the plate had been on the car since 1991 and the car was only bought by Top Gear in August, less than a month before they started filming in Argentina. They say it can’t have been deliberate. What do you think?
Jake, Wexford

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
You’re SERIOUSLY making yourself sound stupid here, Jake. It’s now obvious to me and anyone with a brain that what Top Gear actually did was happen across this rare Porsche with a number plate that looked like a reference to the Falklands in August and that, as a result of this, they then immediately decided to film their Christmas special in Argentina and arranged for their presenters, producers, director, assistant director, researchers, cameramen, soundmen, camera assistants, safety advisors, fixers and medical support to fly to South America. They were just lucky to find flights, hotels, a route, and an editorial reason to be there at short notice. That is what happened. END OF.

 

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
Hey there. I saw you and your car at the Honda Civic Type S owners’ forum meet last month. I noticed that the last three letters of your number plate are CNT. Did you buy that reg?
Matt, Guildford

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
No, it’s a coincidence.

 

The return of Ask a Total Prick From An Internet Forum

Posted in Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum, Columns by Total Prick From An Internet Forum on Wednesday, September 17th, 2014

TPFAIF_4Your questions answered by an online titwhisk who wouldn’t dare speak like this in real life

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
I’ve read reviews of the new Porsche Cayman GTS in several car magazines and it sounds brilliant. Do you think it would make a good replacement for my BMW Z4M?
Nick, London

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
This is a joke, right? Don’t you know all car magazines are paid off by Porsche to say their – awful IMHO – cars are brilliant. This is a fact. They know nothing except where their next fat pay-off from a German car company is coming from. This has been proven time and time again. If you want further proof of how little so-called professional car journalists know, I once read one of them describing the Honda Civic Type-S as ‘disappointing’. I’ve owned my HCTS for over four years now and not once have I been ‘disappointed’. It’s simply the best car I have ever owned. End of.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
After watching Chris Harris’s video review of the BMW M235i I’m seriously considering one. Am I mad?
Hem, Leeds

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
Are you mad? No, you’re an idiot. Don’t you know that Harris, like all car journalists, is paid off by BMW and VW and Porsche to say good things about their (woeful) cars. You should also know he can’t drive. Fact. If you believe anything any car journalist says then, no offence, you’re more stupid than you sound. Seriously, I’ve done over three track days and I’d like to see these so-called ‘experts’ keep up with a well driven HCTS, never mind write something other than blatant lies and total rubbish about it whilst staying in a five star hotel at someone else’s expense. They couldn’t. Simple as.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
Thanks for your latest submission. As I explained earlier in the year, we’re not looking for new writers at the moment and, if I may be totally honest, your copy is probably a little ‘unpolished’ for us. Thanks for bearing AutoMotoringCar in mind all the same.
All the best,
Pete Hampson, AutoMotoringCar magazine

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
I have more articles. I can send them to you or maybe give you a link to my blog. It’s a sideways glance at the world of motoring! I think you’ll really like it! Please read it. Please.

Yet more Ask a Total Prick From An Internet Forum

Posted in Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum, Columns by Total Prick From An Internet Forum on Thursday, June 12th, 2014

A keyboard warrior knobwallet answers your motoring queries 

TPFAIF_3Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
I bought an Alfa MiTo three years ago and it’s been completely trouble free until last week when the gearbox failed without warning. Typically, it’s just out of warranty. Do you think I’ve got a case to ask Alfa for a contribution for replacing the ‘box?
Sam, Scarborough

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
With the greatest of respect, you’re a bloody idiot. When does anything fail “without warning”. The warning was, you bought an Alfa. You know how many faults my Honda Civic Type-S has developed in the FOUR years I’ve owned it? None. I wonder why that is? Could it be because it’s a brilliant car and not Italian rubbish that, with respect, only a total moron would buy.

 

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
Whats you’re opinin on teh MGF. I been ofered a cheeap one for 400 quds. Good idaea for a sumer fnu car!?
Jay, Southend

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
Welcome to the forum. No offence, but you sound like a complete twat. Is it the school holidays or something? If you can’t even get basic spelling and grammar right, you probably deserve a “400 qud” MGF. Personally, my “opinin” is I wouldn’t touch an old heap of British crap like “teh MGF” with your headwand, no matter how “cheeap” it is. There’s a reason I paid 50 times that for my Honda Civic Type-S. Because it’s more than 50 times better and gives me all the “sumer fnu” I need. Tell me, have you ever heard of a little thing called ‘spellcheck’. Try using it, idiot. No offence.

 

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
It’s Ric (HCTSman85) here. I think we met at the HCTS sub-forum meet in Bramley last week. Sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye. Lost track of time and had to chip off. Anyway, good to meet you buddy.
Ric, Farnham

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
Hi HCTSman85!! Epic meet! Legendary banter! I know I won’t be able to look at cheese & onion crisps in the same way again!! ; ) Hey, listen, I never got your mobile number on the meet. Can you PM it to me? We’ve got to meet up again soon for more HCTS bants. Now wash your hands!! LOL!!!! Seriously, I’m free this week. Or next week. Just PM me! Please.

More Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum

Posted in Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum, Columns by Total Prick From An Internet Forum on Thursday, April 10th, 2014

Your motoring questions answered by a passive aggressive online cockwad.

TPFAIF_2Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I have a Discovery 4 as a family car and a Fiesta as a runabout but I want to treat myself to a ‘weekend car’. Ideally this will be something fun to drive with two seats and a soft top, budget around £25,000. A second-hand Boxster seems to fit the bill, but am I missing anything else? Greg, Woking

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… First of all, welcome to the forum. Play by the rules, show some respect and we’ll get along fine. You can ask anyone here what I’m like if that doesn’t happen. Secondly, you are so wrong it’s unbelievable. In my personal experience of reading about other people who have Boxsters they are terrible, unreliable and useless. Big mistake. The only car you should consider is the Honda Civic Type-S. I’ve had mine for four years now, it’s given no trouble and it gets admiring glances wherever I go. It’s literally the best car I’ve ever owned and if you consider anything else, you’re an even bigger moron than you sound.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I was approaching a roundabout two days ago when a biker raced up my inside and came so close he smashed my passenger side mirror. He must have noticed but he just rode off at speed and I didn’t get his reg number. Now I regret not giving chase. What would you have done? Pete, Birmingham

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… I simply cannot believe you have posted this. Some random damages your car and you let him get away with it? Pathetic. If that was me and a biker damaged my HCT-S they would remember that day for more than one reason although I doubt I would find myself in that situation in the first place as I’m quite powerfully built for my size and I’ve read a lot about martial arts so any joker would know not to mess. Hey, you made the decision to let him go and that’s your choice. I’m just saying, it’s not what I would have done.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, Hi there! My name’s Becky and I’m a researcher on an amazing new TV show about people who love their cars more than anything else! I wondered if you or any of the guys on your forum would fit that description and would be willing to take part in some filming! If you’re interested, mail me at becky@cooltomatotv.co.uk. Thanks! Becky, London

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… I must have missed the memo about this becoming the ‘do people’s jobs for them forum’. Show some courtesy you moron. This is not your personal research service and the sooner you realise that the better. I have also sent you an email about this. Please check your spam in case it has gone in there. If you call the home number and my mum or dad answer, just ask for me by my real name. Thanks!

Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum again

Posted in Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum, Columns by Total Prick From An Internet Forum on Friday, October 4th, 2013

TPFAIFDear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I bought a second-hand Fiat Punto last year and it has given me no trouble until last week when I took it for an MOT and it failed on headlamp alignment. Can headlights go out of alignment like that or is the tester being overly picky? Ben, Sheffield

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realise this was now your private Fiat Punto problem solving forum. Jesus. Where do these newbie idiots come from? Didn’t you get the message; all Italian cars are total crap. Why do you think I bought a Honda Civic Type-S? I literally tried every other car on the market and it was the best. Last time I took it for an MOT the tester was amazed at what good condition it was in and I got an amazing deal on the test too.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I need to buy a new car and the Honda Civic Type-S is on my list of options. I see you have one and I wondered if you could tell me about your personal experiences with the car? All the best! Sanj, London

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Why are you making this personal? I didn’t make it personal and now you’re making it personal. I don’t want to have to report you to a moderator for this but you leave me with no option since you have chosen to make it personal rather than keeping things civil. It’s people like you that are making this forum into a shadow of its former self.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, Were you at the Honda Civic Type-S Facebook Group meet in Guildford last weekend? I think we might have met! I was talking to a guy with a black Type-S and I only realised afterwards it might have been you! If so, nice to meet you! Sam, Woking

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Oh wow, what a coincidence. Sam, yea? With the red HCT-S? Great to meet you too buddy! Really good banter! You know what? We really should go for a drink sometime. I can come to you. I’m only in Dorking. Seriously, message me your details and we can meet up. I can come to you. It’s no trouble. Let’s meet up. In real life, let’s meet up again. Please.

Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum…

Posted in Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum, Columns by Total Prick From An Internet Forum on Thursday, August 23rd, 2012

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, We have a baby on the way and I’m going to need a more practical car. I like the look of the Nissan Qashqai and I notice the Kia Sportage is good value but now I’m reading good things about the new Mazda CX-5. Which to chose? All advice gratefully received! Neil, Warwick

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… First of all, welcome to the site. Secondly, is this how you would normally introduce yourself? You just come in here and start asking questions like you own the place? Get some manners. Here’s a tip; why not go to some car showrooms and look at these cars for yourself? We are not your personal car shopping service and the sooner you realise that, the sooner you will fit in around here. Also, why the hell are you looking at cars like that? Total. Waste. Of. Time. I have a Honda Civic Type-S that does 99 percent of the things that those so called off roaders can do, it’s great to drive and it has literally never gone wrong. If you buy a fake 4×4 you’re an idiot. Okay? 

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I’ve had my 2005 Golf TDI for two years now and it’s been totally fault free. However, just this week the central locking has started playing up. Sometimes it won’t unlock all the doors but if I lock it again and then unlock it that usually works. Is this a known fault with these cars? Is it worth getting it looked at or should I just live with it? Cheers! Simon, Dundee

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Let me ask you this – have you ever heard of a little thing called the search facility? It would allow you to look for other people on the site who have had similar problems without wasting everyone’s time with ridiculous threads like this. This is not some free automotive electrical consultancy you know. Also, Golf TDI? Seriously? Why would you even buy something like that unless you were a total idiot who knew nothing about cars? When I bought my Honda Civic Type-S four years ago I looked at literally every car on sale at the time and the HCT-S was literally the best car available of any kind. Why you didn’t buy one of those I cannot understand. My central locking works perfectly. There’s a reason why yours doesn’t. Is it National Idiot Day today or something?

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I’ve got a beautiful blue Citroen Saxo. I call her Sadie! Does anyone else have a Saxo! I love my Saxo!!! Claire, Guildford

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Hey Claire! Welcome to the site! Like the sound of your Saxo! Great cars! I see you’re in Guildford. That’s not far from me. You might see me around sometimes in my black Honda Civic Type-S. We should have a forum meet-up some time! Hope you’re still enjoying your Saxo! Do you have any pictures of yourself in your Saxo? Take care. TPFAIF x