Archive for the ‘Columns’ Category

D.I. Blundell done report from Brazil 2010

Posted in Columns by Sniff on Tuesday, November 9th, 2010

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Saturday 6 November I done proceed in a Southerly Americaly direction to Brazil, what done be in Brazil. Here I done observe a Mercedes B-class vehicle what done be occupied by an IC1 male, Mr Jenson Button, what done be approached by six men who done be armed and, in fairness, done appear to be intent on done doing a crime. Fortunately, the Mercedes vehicle done be able to proceed away from the area before any felony done occur. Let this be a lesson to all motorists to done ensure they have a trained high risk situation avoidance driver in the vehicle at all times.

On Sunday 7 November I done observe another silver Mercedes vehicle driven by an IC1 male, Mr Nico Rosberg, what done also be approached by four men what done have guns. Fortunately, in this instance these done be wheel guns and what done turn out to be, in fairness, the wrong tyres. Let this done be a lesson to all teams to not done make what done, to be honest, be a right old cock of a pit stop. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell done report from Korea 2010

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, October 25th, 2010

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Sunday 24 October I done proceed in an Easterly direction to the Korean Grand Prix, what done be on a building site. Here I done observe a blue Renault powered vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Mark Alan Webber, what done lose control on a corner and done do a spin what then done cause it to collide with a grey Mercedes vehicle driven by another IC1 male, one Nicolas Eric Rosberg. This done be an unfortunate incident what done cause both drivers to done then discover that their vehicles don’t done work no more. During the same afternoon I done observe a silver Mercedes sports vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Bernd Maylander, what done be obstructing several other faster vehicles. I done observe that this done not cause a problem for many of the drivers, what done be strange. Let this be a lesson to motorists everywhere that if you done be a racing driver you should done well grow a pair. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell files a report from Singapore 2010

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Tuesday, September 28th, 2010

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Sunday 26 September I done proceed in an Easterly direction to the Singapore Grand Prix, what done be in Singapore. On approaching the area I done observe several road traffic incidents. Firstly, I done observe a white Ferrari-powered vehicle driven by an IC5 male, one Mr Kamui Kobayashi, what done lose control on a tricky bend and done collide with what done be, in fairness, a wall. Mr Kobayashi’s vehicle then done be hit by a black HRT vehicle what done be driven by an IC2 male, Mr Bruno Senna, what done come around the same corner. Let this done be a lesson to all motorists about the dangers what done be, to be honest, around blind bends.

I also done observe a green Lotus vehicle driven by an IC1 male, Mr Heikki Kovalainen, what done catch on what be, in fairness, fire. Mr Kovalainen done exhibit some quick thinking by done avoiding an area what done be occupied by a significant quantity of persons and flammable materials and done bring his vehicle to what be, to be honest, a halt. He then done extinguish the flames himself. This done be a valuable lesson on what done be the importance of keeping a fire extinguisher close at what done be, in fairness, hand.

Finally, I done also observe a silver McLaren vehicle driven by an IC3 male, Mr Lewis Hamilton, what done collide with a blue Red Bull vehicle driven by an IC1 male, Mr Mark Webber, what done cause Mr Hamilton’s vehicle to be broken and done be no longer done able to proceed. Let this be a valuable lesson to all motorists of the importance of not getting carried away and, in fairness, fucking it up again. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell attends Monza 2010

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be filing a report. On Sunday 12 September 2010 I done proceed in a southerly direction to the Italy region, what done be in Italy. Here I done witness what be, in fairness, a Grand Prix was done be taking place. In particular, I done observe a silver Mercedes powered vehicle driven by an IC3 male what I done identify as a Mr Lewis Hamilton and what he gone done is collide with a red Ferrari driven by an IC2 male, namely one Mr Felipe Massa, and this incident done cause what in fairness be a quantity of damage to Mr Hamilton’s vehicle what done force him to stop. Let this be a lesson for all motorists on the importance of done be leaving plenty of room for other vehicles on the road, especially if you don’t want to done be buggering up your world championship chances. A short while later I done observe an IC5 male driving a black HRT vehicle what done run over a pedestrian. This done be a very regrettable incident and at the end of the day done be a warning about the dangers that done be existing if you done be running a shit team on no money and done use a Japanese pay driver what done be sodding useless. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell at the 2010 Belgian GP

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, August 30th, 2010

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be filing a report. On Sunday 29 August I done proceed to the Belgian Grand Prix, what done be in the Belgium area. Here I done observe an IC1 male what I done identify, in fairness, as being a Mr Jenson Button who done be driving a silver Mercedes vehicle. He done be followed by another IC1 male what done be a Mr Sebastian Vettel in a blue Renault-powered vehicle. I done observe that Mr Vettel done attempt to overtake Mr Button’s vehicle but what done happen is that, in fairness, Mr Vettel done lose control and this done cause him to done a crash into the side of Mr Button’s vehicle what done cause both gentlemen to be no longer done be able to done drive their vehicles. This should done be a lesson to all motorists about the dangers what done exist in bad weather conditions and also it done be, in fairness, an example of what done happen when you done drive like a twat. Over and out.

More Cookery Corner with Nigella Mansell

Posted in Columns by Sniff on Monday, August 23rd, 2010

By popular demand, one of Britain’s top cooks returns to share with us a simple flapjack recipe

Ingredients: 4oz unsalted butter, 2oz brown sugar, 2oz golden syrup, 7oz rolled oats.

Method: Obviously you need to start with a pan, and I have to say in all honesty I’ve got a really competitive package in that regard but that doesn’t mean that it’s any easier when you’re the guy out there trying to bring everything together and obviously I don’t want to say this isn’t a team effort because it is but I do want to say that in the first instance it was me that was melting the butter into the pan.

Maybe some people, and obviously I don’t want to say who, but some people perhaps wouldn’t start like that, and obviously I can say now that the butter has literally melted that I was right about these things and obviously that’s why I’ve gone on to add the sugar and the golden syrup and you know, at some point you’ve got a add the rolled oats and that’s something I took a call on and I believe I was right about this.

I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to stir things, even though obviously I do stir the mixture until it’s all blended together and then spread it evenly into an oven proof tray and obviously that’s got to be lined with greaseproof paper and that’s not easy but it was something I was able to do at this point in time and you know it’s not easy out there when you’ve got to make sure you put the tray in the oven.

I’ve got to say that the oven guys did really well to get it up to 180 degrees Celsius and you know obviously it was my view that it should be left in there for 15 minutes and I know not everyone agreed with that but, you know, I think history will judge that I was correct and obviously when all this has cooled down I think we will be able to cut the flapjacks and then eat them.

A day in the life – the designer

Posted in Columns by Sniff on Friday, August 20th, 2010

Jean-Luc Maintenant is a senior designer for Katsao Motors, Korea’s fourth smallest car maker. He runs their new European studio in the South of France.

“I get up around 8am. The number 8 is perfect for me in its boldness, its smooth curves, its audacious near vertical symmetry. Also, my Phillippe Starck alarm clock is set to go off at that time and I can’t work out how to change it.

My first job is to decide what to wear that day. I believe your clothes are an expression not just of your outer image but of your inner soul and, by extension, your deepest personality and the creativity contained within. That’s why I am always careful to gauge my mood when I am deciding between a grey suit with a black roll neck and a black suit with a black roll neck. These are the details that count. You should also know that my watch is very expensive.

For breakfast I vary my routine. Sometimes I blend myself a fruit smoothie, the combination of strawberries, raspberries and oranges in itself a reflection of the designer’s job to mix and agitate the conflicting tastes and textures into one sophisticated, wholesome, often surprising entitity. Sometimes I just have Froot Loops.

I am in the office by 10am. Our newly opened Katsao European Style Centre is a purpose built complex, the impressive steel and glass central atrium a confident statement of the future direction of Katsao Motors combining openness and accessibility with strength, knowledge, surprise, delight and a small coffee shop.

First thing in the morning maybe I will also have a video link-up with my colleagues at our Korean headquarters. I am lucky in that I am fluent in over three languages. None of them is Korean. I will then typically spend the rest of the day briefing my design team and checking on the progress of their work.

I am a great believer in inspiring a team by providing them with appropriate stimulation, sometimes involving activities away from the office. So, if we are working on design proposals for a new 4×4 perhaps we will go rock climbing or play beach volleyball or shoot at some crows. For a small hatchback, maybe I will take the team to a shopping mall or to a school or force them to wear nappies. Just recently we were working on a top secret proposal for a new crossover model during which we threw a microwave oven at a pile of candles and then watched two Lethal Weapon films back-to-back. It really is that important.

I leave the office around 7pm, sometimes earlier if I feel that my work is done. I head straight home where perhaps I will read a very glossy magazine or simply neutralise my inspiration by activating some mood lighting and staring at one my extremely expensive pieces of white furniture. It helps me to switch off from work. Of course, the actual work that I do in a day is hard to define. But that is the purpose of the creative leader in any team. If you can say what you have spent the day doing then perhaps you have not been doing it at all.”

Cookery corner with Nigella Mansell

Posted in Columns by Sniff on Monday, August 16th, 2010

Nigella Mansell, yesterday

One of Britain’s leading cooks shares with us her recipe for a Thai green curry

Ingredients: 1 tbsp vegetable oil, 2 tbsp Thai green curry paste, 1 tbsp soft dark brown sugar, 2 thick stalks lemongrass, 2 chicken breasts cut into chunks, grated zest of 1 lime, 400ml coconut milk, a lug of Thai fish sauce, small handful of roughly coriander, juice of 1 lime.

Method: Obviously you need to start by heating the oil in a wok, and you know, the guys at the stove have done a great job of providing the heat but I have to say, it’s not easy out there and obviously you’ve got to do the best job you can in the circumstances and, really, it’s tough to heat up oil when you’re the guy with the wok in your hands, but obviously the oil does become hot and obviously I’m very pleased with that, given all the problems I had to overcome, but obviously then you’ve got a whole set of ingredients ahead of you, so really this is just the start and you know, obviously, I don’t want to point the finger but I will just say that green curry paste has to be the first thing to be added to the wok, and I don’t know why that’s the case, obviously it’s not for me to say, but obviously the sugar must be held jointly responsible for being there at the start and in the wok at the same time, and obviously I can’t comment on that at this moment in time but what I will say is that obviously the lemongrass is involved in this situation and should be stirred in to the mixture, although obviously that isn’t easy and I don’t want to make a big deal out of this but you know, in my experience, that’s a pretty dangerous situation out there and you know, obviously you learn to deal with it without making a fuss, and obviously that’s what I did and obviously it takes someone with experience, and you know, I’m talking about guys like myself here, someone with that experience to know when to reduce the heat slightly and then add the chicken pieces and the lime zest and obviously that isn’t easy and you’ve got guys out there and maybe they don’t know about adding the coconut and fish sauce and you know, obviously I can’t pretend it’s easy to bring everything to a simmer but you know, that’s what I do and I don’t want to say too much about it at this time but obviously that’s something I take very seriously and I hope people will look back at this and say I did a good job there, and obviously I don’t want to take all the credit here because there’s a lot of other guys involved here, like coriander and lime juice, but obviously it was me that stirred them in at this point and you know, obviously I was out there in the kitchen for another 25 to 30 minutes occasionally stirring the mixture with just one hand as the sauce thickened slightly and obviously I was very much aware of the need to cook some jasmine rice alongside that and I think I did a good job in the circumstances and I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything but I will say that some people who shall remain nameless might prefer a simple plain rice and that’s their decision and obviously I don’t want to comment on that but what I will say is that your curry is now ready to serve.

D.I. Blundell at Hungary 2010

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be filing a report. On Sunday 1 August I done proceed in an Easterly direction to the Hungarian Grand Prix, what done occur in Hungary. Here I done observe an IC1 male, Mr Adrian Sutil, who done through what not, in fairness, done be his fault be done engaged in a low speed collision with an IC1 Pole, a Mr Robert Kubica who done pull out at what done be the wrong moment. Let this done be a lesson to all drivers about the importance of always be checking your mirrors. A short time period afterwards I done observe an IC1 male, Mr Rubens Barrichello, who done attempt to perform a safe overtaking manoeuvre on an IC1 has-been, Mr Michael Schumacher and who done gone be surprised when Mr Schumacher done attempt to done drive him into a wall. Let this be a lesson to all motorists not to attempt a shit comeback and then done be a really bad loser. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell at the German GP 2010

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, July 26th, 2010

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be filing a report. On Sunday 27 July 2010 I done proceed to the German Grand Prix, what done be in Germany. Here I done overhear a conversation what done occur between an IC1 male who done be one Mr Robert Smedley, and another IC1 male, who done be Mr Felipe Massa. It done seem to me that what Mr Smedley gone done there is say something what done be highly suspicious. I done gone have my suspicions confirmed shortly afterwards when Mr Massa done slow his vehicle what done allow an IC1 twat, one Mr Fernando Alonso, to gone go gone past him and done be in the lead of the race. I done therefore conclude that Mr Massa done be robbed. Over and out.

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