Archive for the ‘Crazy Dave Coulthard’ Category

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha, rockin’ tha tighty whitey jeans in tha comm box. Y’all can’t see dem but you knows I is wearin’ ‘em. Oh man, it be hard to sit down.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Italia side fo’ tha Monza Gee to tha Pee. Man, that be some low downforce shizzle and some mad Gurney flap action. That not be tha only flap action Crazy D be down wit’, know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ shizziddy.

So, when tha five an’ out be goin’ down, ma boy Nando be pullin’ some smooth moves on ma buddy Sebby V and he be takin’ tha one slot. Thing is, Tha V, that be a total diss fo’ he and that shit, it ain’t gonna stick. He be pullin’ some mad, kickin’ up dirt kinda shi’, he be past and he be off like Crazy D towards a tighty trouser shop. Fo’ shizzamizzle.

Meanwhizzle, ma boy Tha Ham be gettin’ all bent outta shape by an old guy we call Mickey Schu. Yea, tha’s right. Tha Schuster, he get his mojo back. That be some mad aggressive door closin’ action, Schumaster. Then Jenny B be movin’ in like a muthafunkin’ shark and takin’ ‘em both down. Yea, tha’ be some sweet ass shorter gearin’ right there. Fo’ shizzidizzirizzle.

Come tha checky flag, it be tha Buttmeister stuck between Sebby V and Tha Nando on tha three step pop ‘n’ piss. Respec’ to y’all cuz that be some fly ass racin’ action. Fo’ shizziggedyizzleniz.

And don’t forget to join us again in two weeks time for the distinctive night race in Singapore, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave cimin’ atcha live from the box of comm. wit’ ma buddy Marty B. Mmm, this shit be workin’ out betta than anyone expected. So this weekend we slide on over to tha Stone that is Silver fo’ tha muthafunkin’ British Gee Pee. Man, they got some bad ass new facilities goin’ down. I jus’ hope it don’ look dated in ten years time, fo’ shiddly shizz.

So come tha qualificatiation, all tha teams, they be arguin’ and dissin’ cuz of tha dispute wit’ tha exhausts and ting. Shee-it. Crazy D never have this problem when it comes to gettin’ he’s diffuser blown, know wha’am sayin’? Hot diggedy.

So tha teams get their shizz together but then tha clouds open and it be rainin’ like a bad ass. That be what we call a lotta inches of Scottish sunshine. Yea, Crazy D jus’ made a funny. Deal wit’ it. Ma Brit buddies Jenny B and Tha Ham, they ain’t havin’ so much fun out there but mad props to ma homie P diddy Resta who slam it on tha six slot, Scotchland stylee. Fo’ sho’.

Come tha five an’ out, things be all shook up. My boys Sebby V and Tha Web ain’t be getting’ it all they’s own way cuz tha boy Nando by all up in they griddle and when they be havin’ some bad shit goin’ down with they’s stops, that ‘Rari be flyin’ by. Things be even worse fo’ ma bro Jenny B cuz he be havin’ some problem with he nuts. Y’all gotta check ‘em regularly fellas, know wha’am sayin’. Then we got Tha Ham who ain’t takin’ no shee-it from tha boy Philly Mass and be runnin’ it crazy to tha line, fo’ shiddly.

Come tha triple height pop ‘n’ piss, Tha Nando be on tha top step wit’ Sebby V and Tha Web close behind, but Marky Mark ain’t be happy cuz Tha C Horn gone tell he to let Tha V Man take tha two slot. That be some bad team morale shee-it goin’ down right there and lemme tell you right now, that don’t be the kind of shee-it that Crazy D would put up wit’.

Of course, if the issue was making an agreement to let Mika Hakkinen past then I would have been only too happy to comply with my team mate’s request.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary box with ma buddy Marty B. But hey, cool out B-man, tha D gonna say Heidfield the way he muthafunkin’ wanna. Fo’ shizz.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Barca side fo’ tha Spanish Gee to tha Pee and in tha three stage ultra fahrt ma buddy M Webb slam it on tha top line. Respec’. But come tha five red an’ dead, tha boy Sebby V, he be all up on Webbman’s shit and tha Nando, that cat be all sly on tha inside, takin’ it to tha one slot. Hot damn. But Nando and M Webb, they be all messed up on some bad strategy shee-it and Sebby V, he keep it smooth an’ low fo’ tha lead.

But ma boy Tha Ham, he ain’t goin’ down without no fight. He be on Sebby V like stink on a muthafunkin’ fox and my bro Jenny B got it locked down tight on tha three slot. When tha flags go up on tha spray ‘n’ smile, my homies from tha Mac be in tha house but they ain’t bringin’ down Tha V cuz that kid got it goin’ on right now.

And don’t forget that there will be full and exclusive coverage of the next race, live from Monaco, starting at 12:05pm on Sunday 29 May, only on BBC1.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave mixin’ up some phat commentary booth flavas with ma man Marty B. Respec’. So las’ weekend we slide on over Shanghai side fo’ tha Chinese Grand Prix and in tha one shot hot slot, ma boy Sebby V, he be all up on that mess and slam dunk it on tha pole with ma homies Da Ham and Jenny B on he ass behind. That’s some hot cool shit right there. Fo’ shizz.

Ain’t so gravy fo’ ma buddy M Web cuz that cat got some badass problems wit’ tha rubber and stuff. He be sittin’ on tha nine row and man, when that kinda shit goes down, a brother be thinkin’ that he be better off jus’ jumpin’ on tha G6 and headin’ outta there. But that ain’t tha way Tha Webman rolls, no way. Come tha five light red drop, that cat jus’ take it nice and slow and he work his way up tha field. Softly, softly, catchy that muthafunkin’ monkey, fo’ shanizz.

Tings ain’t so sweet fo’ Jenny B though cuz that brother, he take he eye off tha ball and be pullin’ into tha wrong box. Hot damn, that ain’t no thang you be catching Crazy D be doing, least not without askin’ first. Know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ shibblanizzabaliz.

Man, this be some mad ass racin’ right there and come tha three step fizz jizz it be Tha Ham that take tha one slot with Sebby V on he ass. But who dis be on tha three slot? It ma boy Marky Mark. Man that be some mature and consistent drivin’. Respec’. Yea, that be some race out there. Tha’s why they say, when a dude see tha Chinese Gee Pee, a hour later he wan’ another one. Badoom muthafuckin’ tish!

For more detailed analysis of every Formula 1 race, don’t forget to press the red button on your remote control to access the unique F1 Forum, only from the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary box fo’ 2011 wit’ ma bro Marty B. Fo’ shizz. So las’ week we slide on over upsidedown style fo’ tha Australian Gee tat ha Pee. Hot shee-it. That place be a long way from where Crazy D be from on tha mean streets of tha West Side. Yea, West Side Monte Carlo, know wha’am sayin’? But tha D, he don’ sweat it, y’all wanna know why? Cuz all that distance mean he be rackin’ up some sweet ass frequent flyer miles, fo’ sho’. Pretty soon, tha D gonna be bookin’ a short haul European flight, paying tha economy price, but he gonna be entitled to be usin’ tha business muthafuckin’ lounge. BOOM! Tha’s tha way D Man roll. Y’all get me?

So Sunday be comin’ around an’ when tha lights go out, ma buddy Sebby V, he be outta there wit’ his bad ass skillz. Now that be cool, but ma man Da Ham, he ain’t gonna put up wit’ that shee-it and he be workin’ it baby, keeping it smooth on tha two slot. Swee-eet. But what this be goin’ down fo’ tha third place? It be tha boy V Petty. Man, where’d that cat suddenly learn to do that? He keep it ice cool and bring it all home fo’ he’s first time on tha three step spray an’ wave. High five ma Ruskie bro. Peace.

And don’t forget to set an alarm this coming Sunday because coverage of the Malaysian Grand Prix starts at 8am sharp, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from he’s sitting room at home. Mmm, black leather and chrome. So this week, we is meant to be mixin’ up a phat one Bahrain stylee fo’ tha start of tha F1 2011. Fo’ shizz. But that ain’t happenin’ man cuz those cats in tha Middle of tha East, they got their own business goin’ down right now with tha Pearl Square protests an’ shit. Now Crazy D, he be all ready to be all up in yo faces with tha commentaryating next to ma man Marty B, but since he be stuck at home on tha Sunday, he be kinda bored. Tha’s why Crazy D, he go to a garden centre. Man, they go all kinds of bad ass shit there. They got hyacinths, they got chrysanthemums, they got  herbaceous shit. Crazy D, he have a cup of muthafunkin’ tea in the café and then buy a sweet ass bag of compost. There gonna be some beddin’ later, and I don’t mean of tha laydeez. Oh yea. And don’t forget, the Formula 1 season now starts on Sunday 27 March, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary booth. Tha’s right, Tha D-Man, he be landing a sweeeeeeet ass promotion on tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee. Ma buddy Jonny Ledge, he be like tha Battle of Hastings and Mikey Schumacher’s career – his-tor-eeee.

Fo’ tha full flava season oh-eleven, you gonna be listenin’ to tha smooth sounds of Crazy D and his boy Marty B rockin’ tha mike-ro-phone. Oh yea. There’s gonna be some big style bringing similar qualities to tha table action all season long. Fo’ shnizz. Or at least until the BBC realises that employing two former drivers and no one with lead commentary experience probably isn’t such a good idea.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha fo’ tha festive season. Man, it be whiter than ma tighty white jeans out there. Hot diggedy. So Crazy D, he jus’ stop by to say a merry muthafunkin’ Christmas to all tha bad ass homies who gone read Sniff Petrol in this past year. Respec’ an’ peace to each and every one of y’all. And Tha D, he also wanna say that you gotta be careful this Christmas. There be some bad ass slipperiness out there, and Crazy D, he only want it slippery when he be wit’ tha laydeez. Know wha’ sayin’? Fo’ shiz. See, I don’t wanna disrespec’ anyone out there, but you ain’t necessarily got tha skillz of an F1 driva, see wha’am sayin’? Whereas, Tha D-meister, when he get in tha ice, he jus’ think back to he F1 days. Befo’ you knows it, he be getting that slide under control and there be only about seven or eight cars ahead of he. Oh yea, it takes he back fo’ sho’. So that be Crazy D all done fo’ tha year. Peace out homies, peace out. Of course, if the cold snap continues you really should consider investing in a good quality set of winter tyres for your car. Merry Christmas and a very happy new year.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee. No, they ain’t trousers, I had ‘em sprayed on. Fo’ schniz. So las’ weekend we slide on over Middle Eastside, to tha Abu that is Dhabi fo’ tha end of tha F1 2010. Yea. So there be four guys who wanna stick it on the one slot in tha drivers’ championsheee-ip. Ma man Nando Lonso, he be in tha lead. Ma man Sebby V be up on his shit. Marky Mark, he gotta check heself before he wreck heself. And if you do tha math and shit, ma man Da Ham is still in tha running too. Fo’ sho’.

There be some bad ass excitement in tha paddock, and it ain’t jus’ ‘cos you can basically see Crazy D’s family jewels in he pants. No one know who gonna be tha champion, no way. But come tha lights out, Sebby V, he jus’ fly away, he got all his shit together fo’ sho’ and tha big prize be his. Hot diggety. That kid, he get on tha radio and man, las’ time I heard tha squeakin’ wit’ joy like that, it be in my bedroom. Know wha’am sayin’? Oh yea. Nuff respec’ fo’ ma buddies M Web and Lewy H cuz they ain’t don’ go down wit’out a fight. But no props fo’ Nando ‘cos he make tha disrespectful signs to ma man Vitty P. What a dick. Peace out bitches. So, I hope to see you all again in just 16 weeks time when coverage of the 2011 Formula 1 season will commence, only on the BBC. Goodbye.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha in tha bad ass close fittin’ jeans. Yea. I stole them from Eddie J’s dressin’ room. Tight. Ow! So this weekend we slide on over Brazil side fo’ tha Gee Pee that be tha penultimate. Fo’ some folks that mean ‘second to last’ but down on tha F1 street, we’s call it a ‘di Grassi’. Huh! So anyway, ma man Jenny B, he got some bad shit goin’ on after qualifyin’ ‘cos some bad dudes wit’ guns be all up on his shit. Course, they ain’t gonna try that sorta disrespec’ on Crazy D ‘cos he be packin’ a pretty big weapon heself, know wha’am sayin’ laydeez? Fo’ schniz. Come tha race day, he be in there like tha Crazy D’s shirt be tucked into he’s jeans. Hard. He move from tha 11 slot up to tha five but even that ain’t be enough to keep he in tha game. That be some bad ass losing grasp on tha double championship chances shit goin’ down right there. Even my man Tha Ham ain’t lookin’ sweet to represent tha UK fo’ F1 2010. Hot damn. Now it be down to Sebby V, Nando an’ Marky Mark fo’ tha title. This be some bad ass down-to-tha-wire exciting muthafuckin’ shit goin’ all up in yo face man. And for even more insightful analysis of the Formula 1 season we’ve just enjoyed, don’t forget the F1 Forum on the red button directly after every race, only on the BBC.