Archive for the ‘Crazy Dave Coulthard’ Category

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from he’s sitting room at home. Mmm, black leather and chrome. So this week, we is meant to be mixin’ up a phat one Bahrain stylee fo’ tha start of tha F1 2011. Fo’ shizz. But that ain’t happenin’ man cuz those cats in tha Middle of tha East, they got their own business goin’ down right now with tha Pearl Square protests an’ shit. Now Crazy D, he be all ready to be all up in yo faces with tha commentaryating next to ma man Marty B, but since he be stuck at home on tha Sunday, he be kinda bored. Tha’s why Crazy D, he go to a garden centre. Man, they go all kinds of bad ass shit there. They got hyacinths, they got chrysanthemums, they got  herbaceous shit. Crazy D, he have a cup of muthafunkin’ tea in the café and then buy a sweet ass bag of compost. There gonna be some beddin’ later, and I don’t mean of tha laydeez. Oh yea. And don’t forget, the Formula 1 season now starts on Sunday 27 March, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary booth. Tha’s right, Tha D-Man, he be landing a sweeeeeeet ass promotion on tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee. Ma buddy Jonny Ledge, he be like tha Battle of Hastings and Mikey Schumacher’s career – his-tor-eeee.

Fo’ tha full flava season oh-eleven, you gonna be listenin’ to tha smooth sounds of Crazy D and his boy Marty B rockin’ tha mike-ro-phone. Oh yea. There’s gonna be some big style bringing similar qualities to tha table action all season long. Fo’ shnizz. Or at least until the BBC realises that employing two former drivers and no one with lead commentary experience probably isn’t such a good idea.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha fo’ tha festive season. Man, it be whiter than ma tighty white jeans out there. Hot diggedy. So Crazy D, he jus’ stop by to say a merry muthafunkin’ Christmas to all tha bad ass homies who gone read Sniff Petrol in this past year. Respec’ an’ peace to each and every one of y’all. And Tha D, he also wanna say that you gotta be careful this Christmas. There be some bad ass slipperiness out there, and Crazy D, he only want it slippery when he be wit’ tha laydeez. Know wha’ sayin’? Fo’ shiz. See, I don’t wanna disrespec’ anyone out there, but you ain’t necessarily got tha skillz of an F1 driva, see wha’am sayin’? Whereas, Tha D-meister, when he get in tha ice, he jus’ think back to he F1 days. Befo’ you knows it, he be getting that slide under control and there be only about seven or eight cars ahead of he. Oh yea, it takes he back fo’ sho’. So that be Crazy D all done fo’ tha year. Peace out homies, peace out. Of course, if the cold snap continues you really should consider investing in a good quality set of winter tyres for your car. Merry Christmas and a very happy new year.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee. No, they ain’t trousers, I had ‘em sprayed on. Fo’ schniz. So las’ weekend we slide on over Middle Eastside, to tha Abu that is Dhabi fo’ tha end of tha F1 2010. Yea. So there be four guys who wanna stick it on the one slot in tha drivers’ championsheee-ip. Ma man Nando Lonso, he be in tha lead. Ma man Sebby V be up on his shit. Marky Mark, he gotta check heself before he wreck heself. And if you do tha math and shit, ma man Da Ham is still in tha running too. Fo’ sho’.

There be some bad ass excitement in tha paddock, and it ain’t jus’ ‘cos you can basically see Crazy D’s family jewels in he pants. No one know who gonna be tha champion, no way. But come tha lights out, Sebby V, he jus’ fly away, he got all his shit together fo’ sho’ and tha big prize be his. Hot diggety. That kid, he get on tha radio and man, las’ time I heard tha squeakin’ wit’ joy like that, it be in my bedroom. Know wha’am sayin’? Oh yea. Nuff respec’ fo’ ma buddies M Web and Lewy H cuz they ain’t don’ go down wit’out a fight. But no props fo’ Nando ‘cos he make tha disrespectful signs to ma man Vitty P. What a dick. Peace out bitches. So, I hope to see you all again in just 16 weeks time when coverage of the 2011 Formula 1 season will commence, only on the BBC. Goodbye.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha in tha bad ass close fittin’ jeans. Yea. I stole them from Eddie J’s dressin’ room. Tight. Ow! So this weekend we slide on over Brazil side fo’ tha Gee Pee that be tha penultimate. Fo’ some folks that mean ‘second to last’ but down on tha F1 street, we’s call it a ‘di Grassi’. Huh! So anyway, ma man Jenny B, he got some bad shit goin’ on after qualifyin’ ‘cos some bad dudes wit’ guns be all up on his shit. Course, they ain’t gonna try that sorta disrespec’ on Crazy D ‘cos he be packin’ a pretty big weapon heself, know wha’am sayin’ laydeez? Fo’ schniz. Come tha race day, he be in there like tha Crazy D’s shirt be tucked into he’s jeans. Hard. He move from tha 11 slot up to tha five but even that ain’t be enough to keep he in tha game. That be some bad ass losing grasp on tha double championship chances shit goin’ down right there. Even my man Tha Ham ain’t lookin’ sweet to represent tha UK fo’ F1 2010. Hot damn. Now it be down to Sebby V, Nando an’ Marky Mark fo’ tha title. This be some bad ass down-to-tha-wire exciting muthafuckin’ shit goin’ all up in yo face man. And for even more insightful analysis of the Formula 1 season we’ve just enjoyed, don’t forget the F1 Forum on the red button directly after every race, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha live from the McLaren mission control centre in tha bad ass ‘hood of Wo-to-tha-king. Yea. Oh man, it more grey than tha ass of a elephant. So las’ weekend all tha F1 teams slide on over Korea side, but that shit ain’t fo’ Crazy D. He prefer to keep things nice an’ dry. Unless we talkin’ about tha ladeez when he walk in tha room. Know wha’ ‘am sayin’? Ma buddies J Humph and Eddie J, they be standin’ on a buildin’ site in tha rain and Tha D, he be in tha U to tha K, livin’ large Northside. Tha Northside of Surrey. Fo’ sho’. Mud an’ rain ain’t Tha D Man’s thang, man. Not when he be rockin’ these tighty whitey jeans. Hot diggedy. So all tha driva boys, they be a creepin’ round behind tha safety car and ma buds from tha Bee Bee Cee, they be gettin’ wet an’ shit while Crazy D, he be keepin’ on tha downlow listenin’ to tha phat sounds of some hardcore boring ass data. Mmm, that be some tedious mathematical shee-it. Oh yea. Of course, if the technical side of Formula 1 is of interest to you, don’t forget the F1 Forum on the red button after every single race, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha with L’il Eddie J on tha Bee Bee Cee. Oh maaaan, it like he borrow he shirts off Pat Butcher. Hot damn. So las’ week we slide on over Singapo’ side and tha boy Nando, he stick it on tha one slot fo’ tha go. Nex’ day, tha boy Sebby V, he be all hot an’ heavy wit’ that shit when tha lights go out. That don’ be a problem fo’ Crazy D. When he be wit’ a lady, he take it nice an’ slow, know wha’am sayin’? Smooov. Nando, he be all up on that shit and Sebby V, he ain’t getting’ nowhere. That be some bad ass mature racecraft. Unlike ma buddy Da Ham who be making a bad smack down, again. An’ when Crazy D say ‘bad’, he be meaning in tha sense of ‘shit’. Furthermore, please do remember that there is more in-depth discussion of every race in the F1 Forum on the red button, only from the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha standin’ next to ma buddy Eddie J on tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee. Oh man, how many cheap tablecloths he cut up to make that shirt? So las’ weekend we slide on over Italiano style fo’ tha Monza Gee Pee and ma man Jenny B, he be in tha game man, slammin’ his junk down on tha two slot fo’ the get go. An’ when tha reds be goin’ out he lay some cool shit on Nando and Filly M and he be out in front while ma boy Tha Ham be mixing up some phat errors and takin’ he self down. So Tha B-man, he be lookin’ good to take tha one slot fo’ tha race but then he got to stop fo’ tha rubbers and that let tha Nando through. It be some bad shit man. That not be a problem fo’ Crazy D cuz I always make sure I got tha rubbers on hand, know wha’am sayin’ laydeez? Yea. Viewers in the UK should remember that after every race we host the F1 forum which they can also watch through the excellent BBC Formula 1 website.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha standin’ next to ma buddie Eddie J on tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee. Oh man, he look like he borrowed he glasses off Deidre muthafunkin’ Barlow. So las’ weekend we slide on Spa side fo’ tha Belgian GeePee. Fo’ sho’. And man, it be wet. As wet as tha laydeez be when Crazy D wear his tight white jeans. Yea. Tha D Man, he like to keep tha merchandise at tha front of tha store. Know wha’am sayin’? So ma man Jenny B, he be havin’ a few issues out there, but what he don’t expect is fo’ one of those issues to be Tha Vettmeister stickin’ he nose in. And I be talkin’ literally, right into tha side of Tha B Man’s ride. That be some ill shit right there. I ain’t seen nuthin’ like that shit fo’ some time. As tha Whit Man be sayin’, it like some fucked up junior formula shit goin’ on. Fo’ shiz. Of course, if you enjoy other formulas of motorsport, don’t forget to follow my exploits driving for Mercedes-Benz in the exciting DTM series.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha standin’ next ta Eddie J on tha BBC. Oh man, he jus’ talkin’ ’bout himself again. So this weekend we slide on over Hungary side and ma buddy Rubey B, he sure be pissed. He say Mickey Schu be runnin’ him into tha wall when they be fightin’ fo’ tha ten slot. Now Crazy D, he know all about that shit from back in tha day, and I be chattin’ about tha day when Tha Schu not be whack. So tha D, he be totally down wit’ Rubey’s shit and ting. Me think Tha Schu be a total dick too. Yea. We do of course discuss all the current issues in Formula 1 in the F1 Forum on the red button after each race, only from the BBC.