After years of rumours followed by concept cars, spy photos, brochure leaks, the release of production specs and – finally – first drives of the long-awaited GT 86, sources in Japan say Toyota has experienced a sudden change of heart and ‘literally can’t be bothered’ to build the already-announced sports car.

‘We used to be really into this,’ said an anonymous Toyota insider. ‘But then we had a meeting to decide between the GT 86 and a facelift for the Avensis and I think we all surprised ourselves with just how much we’d all rather concentrate on the Avensis. So that’s what we’re doing. Sorry’.

Toyota’s sudden volte-face might sound like bad news for Subaru, their partner in the rear-drive sports car project. ‘Actually, we’re not bothered at all,’ said a senior Subarist. ‘Frankly, we went off the whole idea ages ago. A Subaru coupe with no turbos or four-wheel-drive? We must have been mental to sign that off. We were going to tell Toyota that we’d lost the designs or something but now they’re not bothered either, we can scrap the whole thing and get back to making a series of saloons and estates that don’t quite look right. Sorry.’

Subaru’s stance was reiterated by our Toyot-o-mole. ‘It’s important for us to get back to our roots,’ he explained. ‘Unfortunately, our roots are making extremely ordinary saloon cars rather than acting as a sort of masturbatory aid for helmsmiths. Sorry.’

For the first time, Sniff Petrol can reveal that we were given exclusive access to the ashtray during a top secret Toyota test session back in May. This was very much a development ashtray and key details such as the lift-out insert and the underneath bit were kept under wraps but we were permitted to play with the lid a couple of times and we can report that it had a crisp, short travel action and felt highly responsive. The ashtray engineers were keen to stress that they still had work to do on the texture of the lid but on the evidence we saw it seemed to be quite nice, even though we weren’t allowed to look at it directly.

Meanwhile Subaru, the lead development partner in the FT-86 project, has let slip some tantalising details about the door pockets that will be fitted to its version of the exciting new coupe. A spokesman claimed that these pockets will be slightly more accommodating than those fitted to Toyota’s version of the car and will be capable of taking ‘just under one bottle of water, a sunglasses case and a load of old sticky parking tickets that have gone a bit curly’.

Toyota is not saying anything about its car’s door pockets but has promised that next week it will reveal some exclusive details concerning the FT-86’s upper seat belt mounting point adjustment knob. A Toyota spokesman later denied that his company was revealing the FT-86 ‘too slowly’ and that there was ‘no need’ for them to stop pissing about and just show us the fucking car.

Vettel arrives for his crazy party, yesterday

Newly crowned F1 world champion Sebastian Vettel yesterday celebrated his second consecutive driver’s title with a typically ‘wild und crazy’ party in Tokyo.

Red Bull sources say the party started at 5pm when vast tables were laid out, groaning under the weight of free drinks including Pepsi, 7-Up, and Tizer. The tables also accommodated a sumptuous spread of food that included cheese on sticks, small slices of pizza, and jelly. ‘There were an incredible SIX flavours of crisps!’ said one team insider. ‘Seven, if you count ready salted as a flavour.’

Guests for the lavish party included Adrian Sutil, Nico Rosberg, Sebastian Buemi, Jamie Alguersuari, and Felipe Massa, although Ferrari later forced him to give his invitation to Fernando Alonso.

One guest, who asked not to be named, confirmed that the party was even wilder than expected. ‘At one point the music just stopped,’ our VIP revealed. ‘And then we all sat down, but there were not enough chairs and Pastor Maldonado was out of the game!’

Red Bull spies confirm that the party went on until at least 8:30pm when Vettel himself decided he was tired and got his parents to take him home.

Vettel’s championship celebrating antics contrast with those of Kimi Raikkonen who went on a 48 hour bender with two friends, consuming over 750 litres of vodka and five tonnes of ice cream in the process. Quite why Raikkonen felt the need to celebrate Vettel’s second F1 championship remains a mystery.

The new M5, yesterday

The new BMW M5 is so incredible that it can actually cure AIDS. That’s according to reports emerging from the new super saloon’s press launch in Spain.

Early road tests of the car also note that, aside from ‘an incredible engine’ and ‘a sublime chassis’, the latest M car can also ‘banish famine’ and ‘eradicate drought’. At least one journalist also noted that with the seven-speed double clutch gearbox in ‘sport+’ mode, gearchanges are ‘lightning fast’ and can ‘broker a lasting peace in the Middle East’.

Despite these remarkable abilities, several writers have also pointed out that the M5 is still capable of ‘seating four adults in comfort’ and ‘making you better looking and more successful’ whilst the right combination of chassis and ESP settings make the driver not only ‘marvel at its understeer resistance’ but also ‘a more considerate lover’.

Sniff Petrol tried to contact several of the car journalists who have driven the new M5 to find out more but they had all gone blind.

SAAB, yesterday

After successfully securing protection from creditors, SAAB has turned to British sports car maker Lotus for advice on how to turn its business around.

‘Oh yea, premium aspirational sporty excellence,’ said Lotus CEO Dany Bahaha. ‘We have already given SAAB some tips on how to reinvent themselves. Heritage opinion-former premium system. First of all, they have got to keep hiring famous name top level management. Emotional aspirational premium sporty authenticness. Yes, we have Karl-Heinz Kalbfell and Claudio Berro and Bob Lutz and Gordon Murray and Swizz Beatz and so on. But there are still at least 45 people in the world who aren’t on the management team of Lotus. Upscale web-compatible lifestyle aspiration premium cash-rich, time-poor.’

Bahaha went on to outline the key idea behind Lotus’s reinvention which he believes could benefit SAAB. ‘They have got to start announcing new cars. One a week at least, or maybe six at once at a motorshow. Prestige iconic heritage premium quality performance appeal. And then some more at another motorshow. And some motorsport cars. So many new announcements that it is completely impossible to understand what is going on any more. That is what will save the company. You know, when I started this at Lotus, people said I was mad. But I am not. Weasel hats.’

Industry sources say that SAAB needs to act quickly to save its business following reports that John Towers has been spotted boarding a plane to Sweden holding a £10 note.

The revised McLaren, yesterday

McLaren has announced a raft of changes to the MP4-12C which it hopes will address media criticism of the car.

The first change is to the styling, which McLaren say has been revised to look ‘more familiar’. In tandem with this major revision, the car will now be available only in red.

Inside, the previous unadorned steering wheel has been pointlessly festooned with confusing buttons whilst in the engine compartment a new facility has been introduced to allow the car to suddenly catch fire.

Finally, the McLaren badge has been revised so that it now incorporates a large equine animal in an upright posture and the car’s name has been simplified, retaining the number 4 but following it with the number 5 to reflect that it has over 500 horsepower and the number 8 to acknowledge the car’s cylinder count.

McLaren promise that all customer cars will be to the new spec and that the motoring media will be able to assess the revised model under circumstances of the factory’s choosing, accompanied by 37 of their engineers and a second, slightly lumpy sounding test car which, mysteriously, can only be used for straight line performance tests.

‘We think these far reaching changes will address all of the complaints we have seen from journalists,’ said a McLaren spokesman. ‘And if they criticise the car again, this time we will react in a laughably pompous and histrionic way by throwing a big hissy fit and then banning them from talking about our products ever again’.

1959

1973 – General Pinochet sets up Chilean military dictatorship. FOCA ‘extremely interested’ in establishing Santiago Grand Prix.

1975 – Mass executions across Cambodia. F1 bosses say Phnom Phen Grand Prix ‘looks promising’.

1982 – Falkland Islands invaded. Argentinean Grand Prix grudgingly postponed.

1988 – Ayatollah Khomeini accepts UN truce in Iran-Iraq war. Grand Prix of Tehran now ‘on hold’.

1992 – Slobodan Milosevic initiates vast ethnic cleansing programme in Serbia. FIA’s plans for Belgrade GP ‘progressing well’.

1994 – Apartheid ends. South African Grand Prix cancelled.

1997 – Laurent Kabila founds Democratic Republic of the Congo, suspends constitution, perpetuates human rights abuses, maintains talks over possible 1998 Kinshasa GP.

2001 – Burmese military junta mounts new campaign of violence causing thousands to flee their homes. FIA reminds them not to forget their tickets for forthcoming Yangon Grand Prix.

2009 – North Korea carries out nuclear tests. FIA describes facilities for planned Pyongyang GP as ‘very impressive’.

The driver’s identity cannot be revealed but he is believed to be from Germany and to drive for a UK-based team. The legal order prevents any mention of key elements of the un-named person’s career, specifically anything relating to the 2011 season so far.

The mystery driver, said to be 42 years old and a multiple world champion, is believed to have taken out the injunction in order to prevent a British newspaper from publishing allegations that he had become ‘shit’.

Rumours circulating on social networking site Twitter also suggest that the anonymous driver – said to have a silver car and a brother called Ralf – has been publicly fucked by his team mate.

Those close to the unidentified driver, whose initials are MS, are said to have advised him to break off the unsuitable relationship that is at the heart of the unmentionable and embarrassing rumours.

So out in tha ‘Pang it be Sebby V that slide it on tha one slot again in tha qualifcationation and come tha five-an’-out that cat be away like a sliced eel. This boy be some hot pointy fingered shit right now. There be some mad tyre degradation shee-it goin’ down out there but ma boy Jenny B and tha beardy micro man Nicky ‘Field, they be bringin’ it home fo’ tha three step fizz ‘n’ flash.

Mad props to ma dawg Vitty P cuz that cat be getting’ some rad air out there, fo’ showazzle, and respec’ to ma homie P Diddy Resta cuz that brother, he be talkin’ ma language. Scotch. Finally, don’t forget that for complete analysis of every race, just press the red button on your remote for full interactive coverage, only from the BBC.

The Balocco track, yesterday

There was delight amongst Italian car fans this week with news that Alfa Romeo’s famous Balocco test track is to star in the next version of Gran Turismo 5. The legendary Italian proving ground will feature as part of a new ‘Car Launch’ add-on pack which will be available for the popular driving game later this year.

Sources at GT5 development HQ say that when players select the Balocco option they will have access to a virtual range of Fiat Group products, all of which will feel absolutely brilliant on digital recreations of the facility’s smoothly surfaced handling routes and high speed tracks. For added realism, players who complete the Balocco stage of the game will then be able to take those Fiat Group cars onto normal roads and discover that actually they are a bit disappointing and rubbish.

Further details of GT5’s forthcoming ‘Car Launch’ pack are scarce but it’s believed that the new add-on will also include a Ferrari Event stage with special ‘Jethro Bovingdon mode’ which allows players to score points based on how badly they kerb the wheels on the test car and how many swear words they say in the 30 seconds thereafter.

However, Gran Turismo sources also report that players who dare to criticise the actual car will be banned from playing the Ferrari level again.