Mercedes will use today’s Los Angeles Auto Show to reveal an innovative system for adding an even greater number of pointless lines and features to the new CLS, called Creasetronic.
‘Many of our customers liked the new CLS but they told us that the bodywork was not enough of a confusing mass of contrived styling lines,’ said a Mercedes spokesman. ‘Creasetronic addresses that by putting as many lines as the customer desires into the bodysides until the basic and attractive shape of the car is even more ruined by what appears to have been a retard scribbling on the design sketches.’
Creasetronic is not the only Benz innovation to be announced at LA, however. ‘We are aware that many people think fondly of the simple, solid Mercedes cars of the 1970s and ‘80s,’ their spokesman continued. ‘However, our research shows that many younger people actually think fondly of the complicated, shoddy Mercedes cars of the 1990s. That is why we are proud to announce the new ‘Shitmatic’ option for the E- and CLS-class vehicles. By carefully benchmarking older cars we have programmed Shitmatic to introduce random electrical faults such as sticking windows, failed central locking and intermittent starting. It will be just like owning a W210 E-class in the ‘90s, especially when a couple of years have passed and you notice that it’s already rusting!’
Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee. No, they ain’t trousers, I had ‘em sprayed on. Fo’ schniz. So las’ weekend we slide on over Middle Eastside, to tha Abu that is Dhabi fo’ tha end of tha F1 2010. Yea. So there be four guys who wanna stick it on the one slot in tha drivers’ championsheee-ip. Ma man Nando Lonso, he be in tha lead. Ma man Sebby V be up on his shit. Marky Mark, he gotta check heself before he wreck heself. And if you do tha math and shit, ma man Da Ham is still in tha running too. Fo’ sho’.
There be some bad ass excitement in tha paddock, and it ain’t jus’ ‘cos you can basically see Crazy D’s family jewels in he pants. No one know who gonna be tha champion, no way. But come tha lights out, Sebby V, he jus’ fly away, he got all his shit together fo’ sho’ and tha big prize be his. Hot diggety. That kid, he get on tha radio and man, las’ time I heard tha squeakin’ wit’ joy like that, it be in my bedroom. Know wha’am sayin’? Oh yea. Nuff respec’ fo’ ma buddies M Web and Lewy H cuz they ain’t don’ go down wit’out a fight. But no props fo’ Nando ‘cos he make tha disrespectful signs to ma man Vitty P. What a dick. Peace out bitches. So, I hope to see you all again in just 16 weeks time when coverage of the 2011 Formula 1 season will commence, only on the BBC. Goodbye.
‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be filing a report. On Sunday 14 November I done proceed to Abu Dhabi, what done be in the middle of the East. Here I done observe a grey Mercedes vehicle driven by an elderly IC1 male what I done observe to be one Michael Schumacher. This vehicle done lose control and done find itself facing into oncoming traffic what done, in fairness, then cause it to be hit by a brightly coloured Mercedes-powered vehicle driven by an IC2 male what done be one Vitantonio Liuzzi. This could, to be honest, have done been a lot worse of an accident than it done be and should serve as a reminder to all motorists that perhaps they done be better off just enjoying their retirement.
Approximately one hours later I done observe an IC2 male what done be identified as one Fernando Alonso driving a red Ferrari vehicle extremely close to the rear of a yellow Renault vehicle what done be driven by one Vitaly Petrov. I done make note of this incident as I regarded it as most unusual that Mr Petrov done not be involved in an accident and done actually drive very well. A short period of time afterwards I done observe that both vehicles done slow down and Mr Alonso done draw alongside Mr Petrov’s vehicle and done make a gesture what done be both rude and unreasonable. Let this be a lesson to all motorists not to done be a petulant little twat who done be bad at losing.
D.I. Blundell done now be at the end of his shift. Over and out.