Blithely parking in the disabled space every fortnight
In this issue:
NEW ROLLS 'REALLY MASSIVE'
"That car is really massive", claimed one British engineer, Alf Dolphin, who wishes to remain nameless. "The new Roller will be over a mile long and have extensive landscaping of the bonnet and boot, with an attractive water feature as an option."
Some sources have stated concern that the new luxury saloon is so huge that it won't fit in the lavish new factory at Goodwood. "The new plant is actually very small", says our informant, who lives near Waterlooville, Hants, "It's a revolutionary four door factory with sumptuous leather seats and a wood veneer facia along one wall. Haaaang on�."
A BMW spokesperson confirmed that each car would be registered with a postcode rather than a number plate but vehemently denied allegations that they had "got the plans the wrong way round".
BMW's new Rolls-Royce, scheduled to go on sale on 1 January 2002 is "Fuckin' huge", according to insiders. Spies within the German company report that the new Rolls is so big that several engineers were 'lost' for over a week as they tried to find their way out of the front footwell.
Chart: This is a chart to show how big the new Rolls-Royce is compared to some other very big things that also handle like boats too aswell
BIG BOTTOMED BEAUTY BLASTS BENZ
"You think I wanna drive your Benz, I don't" sang Jennifer Lopez, the singing ass, in her popular song, My Love Don't Cost A Thing. Now the Puerto Rican star has explained the logic behind that assertion, and it isn't good news for the Stuttgart-based manufacturer.
"I can't stand foot operated parking brakes", spat Lopez in a recent interview, "Their steering wheels are still too big and why do they persist with that one, overloaded column stalk?" she demanded. But those aren't the only gripes for the brings-her-own-cushions singer, "Mercedes automatic gearboxes are class leading", she continued, "but they have never made a truly satisfying manual change. Even the latest C-class has a disappointingly mushy clutch action that makes crawling through traffic needlessly difficult. Where-oh-where is the BMW-rivalling crispness to the lever action?"
Speaking exclusively to Cosmopolitan, the plump rumped diva was equally scathing about Mercedes' declining quality standards; "Mercedes used to spend over eight years developing new models and it showed. Remember the solidity of the W124 or W126 and then look at the current E-class. It's disappointing. I only hope the new SL and replacement E-class, codenamed W211, will restore some much need quality to the plastics and overall perceived solidity of their interiors or this lady's takin' her business elsewhere."
Mercedes-Benz aren't the only targets for the round-buttocked belle, as this sample lyric from upcoming single, Watch Ya Back, demonstrates:
"Watch ya back boy / You put me through hell / Compared to European competition / Volkswagens don't handle well"
A spokeman for Mercedes swiftly countered Lopez's comments; "She's got a big bum", he sniggered.
Lopez: buttocks not pictured
EXCLUSIVE! MG'S 'EXTREME' NEW ADVERTISING
Unbowed by a recent wrist slap from the ASA, MG-Rover is preparing its cheekiest campaign yet and Sniff Petrol has had a sneak preview. The new ads, designed to promote the forthcoming 'Extreme' MGs, are pretty extreme themselves!
"Yea, and what you gonna do about it?" snarled Longbridge spokesman "Knuckles" McCabe. "We're not messin' about here. Know w'amean?"
Advertising analyst Dom Dominic is intrigued by the new ads: "Here is a company that clearly has nothing to lose and they're being very brave in the communications material". He continued, "Please help me. John Towers is threatening to poke dog poo through my letter box if I don't say nice things about them."
We put it to MG's representative that the company is resorting to any tactic they can to shake off the flat-capped image but he used some really bad swear words and then punched us in the head. Sniff Petrol made its excuses and left him to drown some puppies.
Some of the proposed designs for MG's 'extreme' advertising
(above, below, sort of down there to the left)
JAMES ALLEN IN TEARS AFTER DINNER MONEY THEFT FIASCO
Speccy F1-bore James Allen has been left blubbing after fellow members of ITV's commentary team pinned him to the ground and stole his lunch money. The tedious fact spouter's Mum is said to be 'furious' after this latest bullying session which also saw his ITV Sport branded polo shirt become muddied and torn. This is not the first time Allen has been picked on by the big lads in the commentary box. At the French Grand Prix there were unconfirmed reports that Martin Brundle had engaged the weak-voiced dullard in conversation whilst Jim Rosenthal curled up in a tight ball behind him. At the appropriate moment Brundle is claimed to have given Allen a good shove to the chest, causing him to step backwards and fall over the cunningly placed anchor man.
The bespectacled know-all has done himself no favours by continually sucking up to F1 management in the hope of securing Murray Walker's job next season. "He really is a right creep", said one insider, "and when he bought Bernie an apple before the US Grand Prix that was the last straw."
"I don't know why they pick on my boy", said his Mum recently, "just because he knows all the answers and sits at the front. This bullying has got to stop. And I've still not forgiven Tony Jardine for giving Jamesy a Chinese burn at the first Monaco warm up session."
Allen: hiding behind his satchel again.
The big girl
No. 4 FORD GT40 (1964-69)
Corporate cussedness on a grand scale, the GT40 was physical embodiment of an international corporation throwing its toys out of the pram. When another awkward bugger, Enzo Ferrari, refused to let Uncle Henry buy his company the Blue Oval boys built a racing car just to spite him. The result was the striking and extremely successful car you see here. There's just one problem: the GT40 is a low-riding 40 inches high, hence the name. And, as Jeremy Clarkson once proved on telly, tall people will never get to drive one leaving irksome midget Noel Edmonds to enjoy its V8 brawn. Thanks Ford. No, really. Thanks.
GT40: Not very tall, like Noel Edmonds
� 2001. Sniff Petrol every fortnight. Next issue 26 October
Jim Wood, Dumb Juliet, a nice cup of tea
Thoughts, reflections, big shiny award things: