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WALKER IN SO SOLID SHOCK!
Veteran motor racing commentator Murray Walker has stunned fans with the announcement that he is to join UK garage collective, the So Solid Crew. The South London-based urban music group, whose members include Megaman, Asher D, Skat D, Romeo and Ken, are famed for their ever-increasing numbers but the recruitment of the former 'voice of F1' has shocked even hardened fans.
"He got a good vibe," noted So Solid spokesman Kicking Cuh. "We's gonna spin up some fast talking, occasional error makin' flavas with ma man Murray W."
Walker's first contribution to the always-in-trouble, not-at-all-gun-toting and certainly-not-in-any-way-completely-fucking-rubbish collective will be a re-worked version of an existing So Solid tune, over which the legendary commentator will rap "And! I've! Got! Twenty! One! Seconds! To go!"
BEETLE CONVERTIBLE 'LEAST SURPRISING CAR EVER'
Volkswagen's forthcoming Beetle convertible is officially the least surprising new model to be launched this year, according to some people we spoke to the other day. Our panel of panelists was unanimous in declaring that the drop top version of VW's not-popular Golf-based twatmobile was completely unsurprising, and totally expected all along. "Oh wow, a Beetle convertible," said one cynical car journalist, cynically. "I didn't see that one coming. What an innovative idea. No wonder it's taken them so long to bring it to market."
"Actually we only just thought of it," said a defiant VW spokesman, defiantly. "I completely refute suggestions that we've royally buggered this one up by leaving an oh-so-obvious variant far too late. We're just capitalising on the immense sales success the Beetle is enjoying at the momen�.Damn."
Murray W (centre) hangs with his homies
The Beetle convertible might just look like this. Duuuh, d'ya think so?
(computer simulation: Auto Bilg)
"YES WE HAVE NO PRICES" ADMITS CITROEN
In a shock move this week Citroen has been forced to admit that its cars actually have no prices at all. The surprise announcement came after a customer tried to buy a special edition Saxo Plastique (Cashback �4995) and asked their dealer for a price list. Red faced Double Chevron officials finally conceded that nobody had tried to pay full whack for a Citroen in living memory. "Our policy has been to just try and flog as many as possible and bugger the second hand values," said a Citroen UK spokesman. "And at these prices you can just throw them away and start again." Citroen cashback offers have now been running for seventeen years, which is quite a long time according to experts. "We haven't printed any new lists for a good while now," our spokesman confessed. "Somebody found one for an Ami 8 behind a filing cabinet, but we don't sell that anymore do we?"
Citroen insists it will soon be back as a prestige name and will stop throwing cash back at customers like "quite expensive confetti". Failing that, spies say the company may simply adopt a barter-based system under which buyers could, for example, offer a horse, two mountain bikes, a first born child and a really nice watch in return for a C5 2.2 Hdi Exclusive SE estate.
This week we offer pearls of jizz from our new second hand expert CARCOAT DAMPHANDS
Reader called to find out what I think about a 1990 Micra Dot for 2k. Sounds like a banana to me. If it's got spots, touch it.
Up at the auctions at Shepshed last week. Saw a camel go under the hammer for a couple of monkeys. It was a two humper, fitted saddle, good teeth. Someone got a bargain.
Mate of mine just paid a weasel for a couple of tonys on an '87 S-class. Lovely flangework, flexible prunes. Minty.
MCLAREN TO USE EVEN OLDER CAR
After just one finish out of four McLaren supremo Ron Dennis has taken the radical step of following Ferrari's lead and ordered his drivers to contest the Brazilian Grand Prix with an older car. "When you've got a level playing field and the stakes are raised, you have to act," said Dennis, battering the English language yet again. "We find ourselves in an ongoing points deficit situation. We've got to reverse this, but that doesn't mean we're going backwards."
Dennis has watched helplessly as Ferrari mullered the opposition using last year's car and sources close to the team suggest that he may now try to leapfrog his team's Italian rival by using an even older car, perhaps dusting off Ayrton Senna's MP4/4 from 1988.
A team insider explained the plan to Sniff Petrol. "If Schumacher's so quick in a year-old car, think how quick David will be in one that's 15 years old. And if that doesn't work we've got James Hunt's old car somewhere. Don't suppose you know anyone with a Vanwall do you?"
F1's new obsession with old stuff has affected some of the slower teams too with news that Minardi are trying to sign up old drivers. "Stirling Moss is very interested," said a spokesman. "And we've left a message for Rene Arnoux, although we saw on the telly the other day that he's busy with two saucy waitresses and a tone deaf old bat running a caf� in Nazi-occupied France."
Meanwhile, Arrows have stolen a march on everyone by taking the radical decision to only race at old circuits. "We did very well at Goodwood," noted a team source. "Mind you, that was kind of because no one else was there."
F1 AUTHORITIES MOVE TO STAMP OUT 'RACING'
Following several close battle in Australia and Malaysia, F1 boss Max Moseley today announced a top-level investigation following allegations of 'racing' against several drivers. The allegations came after a number of cars appeared to compete with each other for position on the track, running close to each other and even engaging in what stewards describe as 'overtaking'. Moseley was clearly furious at these events. "We simply can't allow this kind of thing," he spluttered. "We've done everything in our power to try and stamp out 'racing'. We've banned traction control, made the cars needlessly narrower, cut silly grooves in the tyres, made traction control legal again and introduced fuel stops so people don't actually have to pass each other. Most teams have entered into the spirit and replaced their drivers with 12-year-old children, but some people seem determined to try and do this."
When asked if perhaps people liked this 'racing' Moseley remained defiant; "Of course they don't," he fumed. "People don't want to see overtaking. Formula 1 should be like a chess game. Or dominos. Or crown green bowling. We want nice slow corners so people can see all the sponsors' logos and get a good look at the drivers' little fingers as they turn in. It's not a motor race for God's sake."
What is' racing'?
If you've not followed F1 for years, you've probably never seen 'racing'. It's when two cars are together on track contesting each other for the same position.
Ooh - sounds dangerous!
It can be! That's why regulations have worked to stamp it out and replaced it with pumping gallons of fuel into a car, under very high pressure, inches from a red hot engine.
Why don't they change the rules to make 'racing' easier?
Don't be stupid.
� 2002. Sniff Petrol every fortnight. Next issue 5 April
Sturm Fanpoke of Epping writes asking how many bundies to splurge on a Mondeo V6. It's '57 on the O, silk panties, firm crust. Five stoats sounds stiff mate, I'd rub his candle till it's smooth, go in low on a pair of pandas. He can only say hello.
On the lot the other week, geezer comes by looking to unfurl the leslies on a lovely 928 S4. Chucked him the bum pipe, licked the sticky side, had me hand off for a brace of gibbons. Everyone's happy, no spillage.
Spotted in the small ads: "Omega Elite, 1906, U-reg, moist gusset, oily residue, plenty much chicken, funny smell. � OIRO lame badger". That's a lot of mango for the baboon.
Some Citroen advertising, yesterday
These people made it all possible:
Varzi, Russ H, Dunstan, Poo, Royksopp