Sniff Petrol issue 21

The Highways Agency this week revealed its radical plans for the Britain's first privately financed motorway, the Birmingham Northern Relief Road. Following complaints about the new road's funding and the proposed toll scheme the authorities have announced an innovative scheme to assuage drivers' stress. "We looked at who would be the most regular users of this road," explained spokesman Distended Pole. "It turned out that most of them would be tired, stressed long distance drivers, and most of them would be men. Then, whilst investigating local supplies of natural sand and gravel, we also found that Birmingham has an abundant supply of low-to-medium grade prostitutes. Voila! The plan for the newly renamed Birmingham Northern Hand Relief Road was born!"
Under the new proposal tired and tense sales reps will be able to pay a small supplement when they pass through a toll booth in return for the chance to pull into one of 17 specially constructed rest areas along the length of the road to receive a topless hand shandy from a carefully selected local whore. "No one has attempted such a scheme before," crowed Pole. "But plenty more will copy. Already the Germans, for example, have outlined a proposal for the Autobahn Suckenzie near Cologne. We believe that the option to have a loose Brummie slag twang your banjo makes a positive contribution to road safety. It also gives regular users added value and of course the chance to get some manual pleasure without the wife finding out."
However, not everyone is impressed with the new plan. "This is highly annoying," muttered AA representative Bedford Rascal. "To avoid confusion we'll have to spend a fortune changing all our roadside rescue promotional literature. Specifically the part that says if your car gets stranded in the central reservation one of our patrolmen will make it his main priority to pull you off."

Fiat UK has moved swiftly this week to punish one of its dealers who was repeatedly found guilty of offering good service. Bella Fiat of Frotting in Wiltshire has been accused of a number of unacceptable practises including completing major services on time, ordering the correct parts for customers' cars, returning interested car buyers' calls and employing salesmen who actually know something about the models they sell. "This just won't do," spluttered Fiat spokesman Ridley Quack. "We pride ourselves on giving the most inept service of any mainstream brand in the UK, fighting off very competitive incompetence from Peugeot, Renault and Rover. When someone lets the side down like this we have to take action."
Sources say the last straw came when an unnamed Bella employee happily agreed to lend a customer a courtesy car after a standard cock-up in a regional warehouse meant the garage received the wrong parts for his car, resulting in a delay in repairs.
As yet it is unclear what action Fiat will take against the unforgivably not-rubbish dealer. Apparently they had ordered some appropriate action direct from Italy but when it arrived it turned out to be for a left-hand-drive market. Then the second one was scratched, and then there was a strike in Turin, then it turns out that someone had forgotten to order the clip assembly for the action and then��

With bookies now offering better odds on the Messiah walking on earth this year than on the Focus RS ever going on sale, Ford has offered some new excuses for the hot hatch's late arrival. "It's really not our fault," whined spokesman Anglia Super. "One of our engineers left the front suspension plans on the bus. Honest he did. Cross my heart and hope to die."
Meanwhile, over in the powertrain division engineers claim that significant delays in signing off the final inlet manifold specification were the result of vital documents being eaten by "a really big dog". Furthermore, the steering valve calibration programme is claimed to have taken a big knock back when one of the project managers was reportedly beaten up on his way home from the office. "It was some boys from Volkswagen," claimed the unnamed employee, "and they stole all the diagrams."
Industry watchers have feared that all was not well with the 220bhp range topper's development for some time. At the Geneva Show Ford development boss Martin Leach seemed nervous and slightly guilty looking as journalists noticed an RS on display. Worse still, when it looked like he might be questioned about the car Leach ran off and hid in the toilets until home time.

Iin the late 1970s Citroen capitalised on the 2CV's starring role in the Bond film For Your Eyes Only by selling cars with mock bullet holes stuck to the boot. Such was the success of this add-on that a memo was prepared for French head office suggesting that they should consider a similar ploy. The job of translating this memo was given to a junior on the PR team who, though fluent in French, wasn't completely aware of contemporary slang. When the memo arrived at HQ it caused such unconfined mirth that it was copied throughout the company and even sent to the president's office. Why? Because the UK PR person had literally translated 'bullet hole' as 'trou de balle' resulting in an expansive document extolling the virtues of selling 2CVs with 'arseholes stuck to the bootlid'. The junior in question is now head of PR for a very famous car maker.

If you want to pick a chesney for less cockfroth, auctions are the place to go. But you need to know how to smell the prunes or you could get your crack licked good and proper. So here are a few salamis to get you on the grooved side.

Take it smoothly and try to buff the nodgers before you even think about buttering derek. If you spurt on the curtains you'll come to regret it when you find you've picked a portion of piss.

Get out into the kitchen to have a firm poke of the duchess before the pig starts oinking. This'll be your only chance to rub the cake so get on it. You can't pull their hair but you should splash the carpet and grasp the knackers tight. That's a vital chance to bite the loose bits. Pork chop.

Normally when you're off to suck a plimsoll carrying stanley is a sock of toss for all but the most handy. But at auction it's what's got to be done and that's salty. So, to stop yourself doing something stinky have a Morrissey in mind and hammer it. Pipework.

Although auctions are thick with stickiness for the peter andres, you have got some ribbed protection. If you've slapped your corby on a perky nosher only for it turn out to be a salmon cheesecake then you've got five hoots to get your socks washed. Shite.

But if I had one cask of batter to give any first time auction goer it would be simply, soap your legs. And be greasy. Smooth.

No sooner has Rubens Barrichello been cruelly forced to relinquish his first place in the Austrian Grand Prix to team mate Michael Schumacher than details of other Ferrari 'team orders' are emerging. Maranello sources have been quick to defend their decision at last weekend's race, and have cited other similar example to demonstrate that this is standard team policy on and off the track. "Rubens is quite used to Michael taking precedent," claimed Ferrari spokesman Toni Antipasti. "For example, only last month Michael entered the Ferrari management restaurant and commented on the tasty lasagne that Rubens was eating. It's vital that Michael eats well for the sake of his championship chances so Ross Brawn immediately ordered Rubens to hand over the food, which of course he was happy to do."
Nor is this an isolated incident according to Ferrari team spies: A few weeks ago Schumacher reportedly arrived at a team meeting and admired Barrichello's new Armani trousers. Jean Todt called a brief private conference of Ferrari officials and then instructed the Brazilian to give the trousers to his German team mate "for the good of the championship".
There are also reports that, having invited Schumacher over to see his new Monaco apartment, Barrichello then received a visit from Luca di Montezemolo, commanding him to give the property to Schumacher forthwith. "We don't see anything wrong with this," said one team source. "Rubens lives on the 24th floor whereas Michael's apartment is only on the 18th floor. We don't want to find ourselves risking his championship hopes later in the season just because his apartment isn't high up enough."
Those close to Barrichello are denying reports that the driver now feels "under threat" after Schumacher was seen eying up his girlfriend and was overheard stating that the Brazilian's parents were "really nice people".

Thanks to everyone who e-mailed following the last edition of Sniff Petrol. No, we haven't 'sold out' or been 'bought off'. Chance would be a fine thing. Look, the whole Kia thing, it was just a gag. Sniff Petrol has never even driven a Kia, never mind been given a fleet of shiny new ones stuffed full of caviar, cocaine and branded polo shirts.
However, if any car manufacturer would like to make such a generous offer then please feel free.