Created with IMS Web Dwarf from Virtual Mechanics Inc.
Issue 25
19 July - 1 August 2002
Dipping the sound for legal reasons, every fortnight
There were red faces at Ford this week after sources admitted that they had accidentally sold the Focus RS in the company's recent auction of Ghia prototypes and concept cars. The gross error is believed to have occurred after a memo was circulated alerting employees of the planned sale of 'rare and never-to-be-produced models'. Blue Oval spies say that, since the Focus RS apparently fitted into this category, it was immediately dispatched to the sale where it was snapped up by an anonymous bidder for a bargain $21,995.
'This is very embarrassing,' muttered Ford spokesman Capri Laser. 'Now we're going to have to start from scratch. Any idea what damper settings we had mind.?'
However, it's not all bad news for Ford fans. The company is reported to be so delighted with the extensive coverage that the never-appearing Focus RS has received that it is planning to not-launch a whole range of exciting models. 'That's right,' agreed product planning spokesman Cortina Crusader. 'Next year a brand new ultra high performance 500bhp Fiesta will not go on sale. That'll be not followed by a lightweight, 1000bhp gullwing doored Mondeo that won't cost just �20,000 when it doesn't appear in showrooms sometime not around August 2003. Then we'll not do, erm, an amphibious Fiesta and, oh I don't know, some sort of monster truck based on the Ka. Really, the sky isn't the limit in what we won't be doing in the next few years.'
If you've got a Ford you'd like to see not made why not let us know and we'll not pass your idea on to someone who doesn't work at Ford.

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Above and top: Just two of the exciting Fords which will not be launched at no time in the future
There was good news for motorcyclists this week after the British Biker' Association revealed that biker indignation was up by 27 percent in the period 2000-2001. 'This really is a tremendous result,' simpered BBA spokesbloke Shaft Drive. 'We bikers were already proud of our record of riding like total twats, cutting up car drivers and then becoming really indignant when they expressed anger so to discover that indignation has actually risen is a real result.' According to experts, much of this significant increase can be attributed to the continual rise in the level of born-again indignation. 'Many people who were indignant maybe twenty or thirty years ago are returning to the fold and are discovering afresh just how the possibilities for misplaced indignation have moved on since they were last indignant in their youth. In the old days they might have to ride for miles before they'd find a roundabout to speed onto at 70mph, cutting up the inside of an unsuspecting car driver. Nowadays they're delighted to discover they can do this all the time, and the opportunities for indignation have risen as a result.'
Sadly before
Sniff Petrol could ask if riding like a total nob and then bleating about car drivers being 'out to get you' was a bit hypocritical the BBA press office received some new pictures of Suzi Perry and had to nip off to the bathroom to crack one out.

'And then the bastard hooted at me, just 'cos I jumped over his car...'
BMW's Z4 is one of this year's most eagerly anticipated and controversially styled new models. Now Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal the influences behind the brand new roadster's distinctive looks - the Euro NCAP crash tests. 'That's right,' confirmed spokesman Inlyne Sicks. 'Euro NCAP is very popular at the moment and car buyers are becoming increasingly fascinated by each new round of tests and the attendant photos of awkward, unevenly bent metal. So we decided to make the Z4 look like that from the start.'
However, not everyone is so impressed with the latest BMW's new look. 'I think they have been very brave with the surfacing treatment,' noted legendary designer Giorgetto Giugiaro. 'Although the proportions are essentially very traditional and the�. Oh alright I'll say it: "My God, they've done it to the other side too". There, are you happy now?'

Metal crudely twisted and bent into contrived shapes (left). And some crash tests
Evo, Britain's newest motoring magazine, will be folded at the close of business today. Said Harry Metcalfe, founder, 'I intend folding Evo at around 5.00pm, just as soon as I've finished reading it.'

CAR magazine is for sale according to outgoing editor Drinkin Fountain.
'It's available in any branch of WH Smith,' he confirmed.

The editor of Britain's best-selling consumer motoring magazine today stated categorically that 'the magazine will close.' He attributed the development to a fall-off in loose inserts and bound-in glossy advertorials.

I need a car that isn't too big but has at least six seats to cope with my growing family. I don't like the look of the Fiat Multipla which leaves me with the choice of the Peugeot 307SW or Vauxhall Zafira. Which would you pick?
Kentish Town
Blimey, what a bunch of leslies you've been slippered. If I was smearing the frankies I'd have to smack my helmet on the Vauxhall. You don't want to be creasing your pizza every time you slide a potato up the passage so I like the handsome action of the monkeys that you only get here. Parp.

I've spotted a Toyota Supra turbo, low miles, loads of equipment but it's a grey import. Do you reckon it's worth buying and how much would you pay for it?
Mornington Crescent
Lot of fruit soup for the gareth, those Supras. If it's suitably bulbous I'd wipe it with cress and thump the lulu with something that smells like five janets. And remember, there are loads of lumsdens who'll spunk on your curtains to give you extra plum chutney if you want it. Fluffy.

A mate of mine is selling his 1999 Ford Puma. It's got 25,000 miles on the clock and he's asking �8000. Is that a good price and are there any mechanical problems I should look for?
Leicester Square
That sounds like a sturdy turd pipe to me. The Puma's a little juice puke as far as I'm concerned and because it's stapled to the shaft of the Fiesta there's not a lot goes gherkin. I'd tickle his underbelly while he's sleeping. Prunes.

Are alloys, air-con and metallic really as essential to helping the resale of car as everyone says?
Kingscross St Pancras
Kiss the flan packet mate because the patsies are grunting lovely. You'll find it's tastier to grease the yardarm and snudge your plimsolls if you're fingering ian beales, fart and smoothly. Yea yea. Minty.

Our used car expert CARCOAT DAMPHANDS answers your questions
Sources within the Ferrari F1 team have flatly denied suggestions that, with the World Championship essentially in the bag, they won't take the rest of the season seriously. 'That is nonsense,' muttered spokeschap Provisional Pole. 'Michael will fight just as hard for the remaining races this year, although he will of course use this opportunity to do so in a variety of amusing animal costumes.' Maranello spies say the first of these London Marathon-style comedy outfits will be rolled out at the German Grand Prix in two weeks time where Schumacher will delight his home crowd by driving his car dressed as an enormous panda. This will be followed up in some style at the Hungarian GP in August where the pointy chinned race ace will reportedly sport a massive moose head. However, the team's real comedy turn is being saved for their home Grand Prix at Monza in September. Factory spies say their engineers have been working flat out on a full scale but lightweight replica of Schumacher's regular car which he will strap on over his shoulders with his legs poking out the bottom. 'We are all enormous fans of the amusing ostrich-based comedy stylings of Bernie Clifton,' explained chief mechanic Lo Downforse. 'He was very much the inspiration for this new project. Michael's times won't be very impressive but what he loses in pace he will more than make up for in laughter as he pauses by each grandstand to entertain the crowd with his crazy legs dancing and cheeky smile.'

EXCLUSIVE! Schumacher tests his new comedy driving costume
� 2002. Sniff Petrol 1st birthday extravaganzathon out on 2 August
Written by Sniff Petrol, with Jim Wood and JM
Thanks to Alan Ripley, Mr Tommo and Poo
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