Created with IMS Web Dwarf from Virtual Mechanics Inc.
Issue 28
30 Aug - 12 Sept 2002
Being 'libellous', every fortnight

There was further embarrassment for Ford this week after it was forced to issue its 5783rd recall in two years, this time over a piece of paper. The paper in question is an insert into the back of the owner's handbook for the French market Mondeo estate which advises owners about the correct way to stow the head restraints on the folding rear seat. However, following communications from several worried customers Ford was forced to recall the flimsy insert and admit that, due to a production error, several thousand copies of the piece of paper had left the factory doused in rabies. This latest recall is one of hundreds the Blue Oval has been forced to issue around the world in the past two years. The table just below this writing here details some of the more infamous ones that have happened recently in the past two years in the table below here:

Two new models from German car giant Volkswagen 'cancel each other out' to maintain a 'dullness equilibrium', according to a very clever man who knows these things. Dr Sporky Cognot of Ted Rogers College, Slough has been studying VW's range for 'a long time' and says that the company has long tried to balance out its interesting new cars by announcing other models of almost no interest whatsoever. 'Older readers may remember when the Corrado was launched some years back,' Dr Cognot notes. 'VW knew that it was a bit exciting and needed to be balanced with some dull old shit diesel Golf with an engine that switched off at traffic lights or something. However, it's only now that Wolfsburg has truly achieved a "dullness equilibrium" with the almost simultaneous unveiling of the very exciting Golf R32 and the arse clenchingly dull Touran MPV.'
However, Dr Cognot warns that this new boring balancing act may have dire consequences for VW dealers and drivers; 'These two models are completely opposed and act together to maintain the overall tedium of VW's range, but if they were to be placed together in the same room then I have conclusive evidence that they would cancel each out and cause some sort of well built, dynamically inert black hole. Oh no, hang on. I've forgotten to carry the one�'

New Touran (above): Wow
Chart (below): Some notably interesting ups and piss dull downs in VW's recent past before full equilibrium was achieved


Italian design house Zagato has decided that it is untouchable and has started to live its life accordingly, so say spies in the company's home town of Milan. Those close to the small styling firm say the turning point came when Aston Martin unveiled the limited edition DB7 Zagato a few weeks ago. Despite the car's lumpy proportions and naff detailing none of the media coverage about this hyper exclusive model pointed out that it's really ugly and comprehensively drops turds onto what was one of the most beautiful cars in the whole world. At this point it is said that Zagato realised it could get away with almost anything and immediately stole some gravy from a shop near its head office. Shortly afterwards it was seen running nude through central Milan shouting rude things about the Pope.
'From this point on Zagato will no longer be known as the laziest design house in Italy or "that one that knocks out a new Aston every 15 years or so"', claimed one source close to the company. 'Instead they will be known as the designers who got away with ruining the DB7, and then wrote 'FART' in big letters on the side of the Trevi fountain.'
However, other Italian design houses are clearly keen to make their own bids at rampant craziness. 'Ha! It's not just Zagato that is reckless,' declared Sergio Pininfarina of famous designers, erm�. 'For example, we have at least two videos overdue at La Centro VHS in Milan.'
Meanwhile, over at Ital Design boss fella G
iorgetto Giugiaro was in equally defiant mood; 'I designed the Lotus Esprit,' he spat.

The aftermath of Zagato's trip to the Sistine Chapel
Our used car expert CARCOAT DAMPHANDS strokes a greasy paw over the resale prospects of three forthcoming new cars
Renault Megane: Pikey piss bitch, this is a sarah that's seen some goose cack. That means it's as smoothly as a cat spasm when it's parped out the sphincter. But for the bulbous gary that could also make it a massive wanker so rub firmly. Gravy.

SAAB 9-3: This is a boney snake fight for SAAB and it's nailed to the gusset of the Vectra. Despite that my lionels say it grasps like a rasper and smells of fruit. That could pump the potatoes, but it won't lard the sarnies as well as a Fred or Three Point Penis. Arses.

Volvo XC90: I don't know why the Pornsticks didn't thick slice a cow poker a long stridewhile. This is exactly the flat pack they should be feeling hard and I reckon it'll slide off the sideboard like a well greased spaniel. Just remember to squeeze a priest and don't go smooth. Twat.

McDonalds has sent shockwaves through the fast food industry by announcing a new delicacy known as the McNish. The rights to the name have been acquired from the Toyota Formula One team, in a direct swop for the 'McFlurry' trademark which Toyota will adopt to describe their frantic attempts to replace the diminutive Scotsman in next year's line-up. The seemingly crazy idea came to pass when a misprinted batch of motorsport magazines were put on the shelves offering: 'Meat Allan McNish'. This offer provoked a far greater response than those copies offering the typographically-correct opportunity to 'Meet Allan McNish'. As it turned out the only entrant for the real competition was Niki Lauda who, having run out of big name designers to offer the Jag design boss position to, wondered if Allan fancied a pop at the top job. When asked to explain exactly what the McNish is, McDonalds Italy spokesman CJ Di Montezumalo explained: 'McNish is smaller than your average top formula beefcake and it usually gets eaten for breakfast by men in their twenties and thirties. We toyed with the idea of selling it alongside a whiffy fish delicacy, but even up against a fin that is past its best, the McNish doesn't look that tasty'.

� 2002. Sniff Petrol every fortnight. Next issue 13 September
Written by Sniff Petrol, with Will Goodhand. Thanks to Jim Wood and Poo