Now with 50% more swearing and almost no jokes
NEW CAMERA SCHEME FOR ACCIDENT BLACKHOLES
Following the positive reaction to the highlighting of speed cameras in fluorescent yellow, a government thinking tank has suggested a new scheme for taking the idea one step further. Research has shown that the majority of speeding is still committed by young men; so in a move to cut down the number of road based deaths even further a new variation has been developed in which the back of the roadside box is illustrated with a picture of a lady's front bottom.
The new 'Twatso' cameras work on two main levels. Firstly, they are more visible to drivers, and secondly, tests have shown that the key group of male adults aged 17 to 25 slowed down to speeds as low as 3mph when passing the units in order to give more time to have a good stare and shout 'Phwoar'. However, local authorities are still undecided about the new plan, fearing that some men will simply drive straight into them. There are also reports that during trials policemen found the action of reaching inside the new camera to change films 'nearly as exciting as violence'.
If the radical plan is approved government officials have hinted that the Twatso cameras could be sponsored by VAG.
Two proposals for putting twats on the back of cameras
HOLDEN HOLD UP
Plans to bring the Australian-built Monaro to the UK have hit a major stumbling block according to Vauxhall spies. Sources within the company's headquarters, which is in Luton, say that, although plans to fix the car's shabby dashboard are well established, extensive testing on UK roads has revealed a far bigger problem: 'We just can't stop the Monaro behaving like an Australian in Britain,' revealed one spy within Vauxhall HQ, which remains in Luton. 'We first noticed the trouble when we tried to drive the development hack out of our car park. We were trying to find open roads in Northamptonshire but the Monaro had other ideas. It wanted to head straight for Earl's Court in London. In fact, later that day it refused to return to our garages and it wouldn't rev properly or maintain a stable tickover until we had installed it alongside 17 nasal-voiced, rucksack-toting Antipodean wankshafts in a two bedroom flat backing on to the A4.'
Rumours are already sweeping through Vauxhall offices, which are still in Luton, that the Monaro is displaying yet more annoying and unacceptable behaviour that makes it a complete pain in the arse in the UK. One mole suggested that the test car was recently spotted slouching about Shepherds Bush with a ridiculously oversized rucksuck tied to its rear screen whilst another even claimed that the car is now incapable of doing anything except crapping on and on about how great Australia is whilst signally failing to notice that, if it is as wonderful as it constantly claims, maybe it should just fucking well fuck off back there and stop occupying some stupid fucking bar job or pitifully half arsed IT 'helpdesk' job which a carefully shaved monkey could perform quite easily and with far more fucking effect.
CYNICAL JOURNALIST SECRETLY PLEASED WITH FREE JACKET
A prototype Monaro at work in a West London pub yesterday
(ham fisted attempts to get off
with girls not pictured)
An outwardly cynical motoring journalist received the free jacket given away at a car launch with secret delight this week. The unnamed journalist was clearly heard to denounce the item of discreetly branded outer clothing as 'the usual tat' before trudging off to his hotel room to model it in front of the bathroom mirror. The same journalist then phoned his girlfriend to talk with barely disguised glee about the size and d�cor of the hotel room he had earlier described to colleagues as 'alright'. There are unconfirmed reports the anonymous writer later joined in fellow journos' snorts of derision about the car they had just driven, whilst secretly thinking that it was actually quite good.
COULTHARD IN BOG-BASED OUTBURST
David Coulthard is in the carbon fibre dog house this week after being caught vandalising the toilets at McLaren HQ. Spies say the massive jawed driver was visiting his team's offices in Woking last week when the marker pen shenanigans took place. The contents of the actual bog wall blast remain vague but it is believed to have contained the words 'RON 4 KIMI I.D.S.T.'
'We knew David was angry about the way Ron Dennis reacted to Kimi's first victory last month but we never expected this,' said one McLaren source. 'Ron is furious. He made David stay behind to clean the loos on Tuesday. And he's going to be in detention for the rest of the season.'
Coulthard's crapperside criticism isn't the only scandal from McLaren in the past week. Recent rumours have suggested that Ron Dennis, stung by criticism of the way he 'almost cried' at the chequered flag in Malaysia, is to carry a specially designed bag of onions to all races to enable more realistic tear creation on demand. 'Good idea,' said one insider. 'It's the only way he'll seem like a human.'
How those daubings might have looked, yesterday
� 2003. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 2 May
Written by Sniff Petrol. With thanks to Stephen Grant for the Twatso stuff