May contain traces of swearing, every month
AUDI ANNOUNCES NO SUSPENSION
Fresh from developing the independent rear suspension on the new A3 and clever air suspension on its A8, Audi has announced a brand new system for making the ride on its cars even worse. Dubbed Keine Aufh�ngung, or 'No Suspension', the latest innovation relies on a complex series of linkages, springs and hydraulic actuators being left off the car. As a result the wheels are bolted directly to the body, giving the taut handling and unbearably stiff ride for which modern Audis are famed. 'We had achieved good results for improving handling,' revealed one Ingolstadt source. 'But we were really struggling to make the ride even harsher. Then someone suggested just taking all the suspension off and chucking it away.'
Audi's Keine Aufh�ngung, to be launched on the A4 next year, is expected to be popular in Germany, where roads are very smooth, and Britain, where people think if a car pushes your spine out through the top of your head, it must be 'sporty'.
VOLVO GOES RENAULT
Following another five star showing from Renault in the latest Euro NCAP crash tests, former safety champ Volvo has decided to give the French manufacturer a taste of its own medicine. 'During the 1980s only Swedish cars were associated with safety,' said a Volvo spokeser. 'But now the French have stolen the only quality we used to sell our cars on back then. So, if they've got our '80s USP, we'll have theirs.'
Spies in Oslo admit that they don't know enough about Scandinavian geography and have gone to the wrong country. However, spies in Gothenburg say that engineers at Volvo have hatched a radical new product plan inspired by 1980s Renaults such as the 9, 11 and 21. 'Whilst Renault is being safe we will show them,' spat one Swedish insider. 'We will be bland, derivative, dull to drive and we will erase all trace of quirkiness and character in the misguided hope that this will give our cars more appeal.'
'Hang on! That's been our policy for the past ten years,' said a SAAB spokesman, huffily.
Last month the British Motor Industry Heritage Trust held an auction to dispose of unwanted cars from its collection. Our used car guru was there.
Christ on a trike, up at Godfart to sloop to Wankshafter for sellage of must.
Sackfuls of cack to grasp the twat Gary. These are they:
Shifting was stiff on a flaccid Agro. Stuffed up the tunnel at a sturdy half Cheryl, licked my legs, shit in a sock. Creamy.
Sliced and diced Freestyler, handy like soup basket. Real smell of biscuits as shifting got sticky, ruptured the gusset at quarter Belgium. Slowly.
Kissing my sister, Mutley Half Seven, perfect Sarah, smelt firm. But get telescopic, pastry face, tasting the make up, squirmed on the soft side of a packed of piss. Grunties.
Blister of gits stepped on the head of a '99 First Skirt. Shifting was mimsy, looked a bit Linekar, who wants a biscuit. Some Gary got lifted, watch the fat ankles. Minty.
SECRET F1 RULES NOT REVEALED
Following the revelation in the European Grand Prix that cars may now be pushed back onto the track if they spin off during a race, the FIA has been forced to admit that there are many more secret rules which have yet to come to light. 'Yes, we made a lot of rule changes for this season,' admitted one F1 insider. 'But if we tried to explain them all to the teams and drivers it would be rather like trying to teach your family the rules to a new board game at Christmas. Everyone gets a bit bored, no one really understands and by the time you've finished everyone's stuffed full of Terry's Chocolate Orange and sherry and in no mood to play. So, we decided the simplest thing would be to keep the new rules under wraps until such a time as Ferrari needs them.'
There are unconfirmed reports that in light of this news, many F1 teams will now appear at each race with new and previously illegal tactics, hoping to provoke a previously unseen rule change which will allow them to get away with it. 'I don't think that's strictly true,' said one Williams engineer. 'You haven't got any turbos on you, have you?' he added mysteriously.
Another popular type of 'rule'
� 2003. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 1 August
Written by Richard Porter, with thanks to Jim Wood, Emma Shaw and Poo