The unsigned NIP of motoring, every month
HANG ON, I'M LEFT HANDED EXCLAIMS CONFUSED CHRIS BANGLE
BMW's styling department has been plunged into turmoil this week after boss Chris Bangle realised that he has spent the last ten years designing cars with the wrong hand. 'This is quite a surprise,' said one insider (in German). 'Ever since he started working here Chris used his right hand to sketch design themes, operate CAD/CAM units and so forth. It was only during a game of rounders with some of the large car exterior design team from Audi that Chris went to catch the ball and suddenly realised the strange truth; he's actually left handed.'
Bangle's sudden discovery explains much of the wonky lines and unusual angles seen on recent BMWs, but in a modern car company no one man styles every car. So how does the bespectacled designer's dexterity error explain the look of, say, the new 6-series? 'It's quite simple,' explained our Munich mole (in German, still). 'Young designers began to copy Chris's inadvertently wonky style and, with the incomprehensible writing that resulted from his wrong-hand usage, his disapproving notes about their work were misunderstood. So, in the case of the 6-series, Chris scribbled "This is a Pontiac coupe!" on the concept sketches but the designer mis-read it as "This is a perfect coupe!" and carried on until it was too late.'
Bangle's sudden realisation isn't the first thing that has only been discovered after years of error in a car industry design department. Last year staff at Subaru were shocked to discover that the computer they used to design the wheels for high performance models could do other colours apart from gold. 'That was a relief,' said one insider at the time (not in German). 'They looked shit.'
NEW GOLF ALREADY PREDICTED BY NOSTRADAMUS
The new Volkswagen Golf, announced last month, has already met with a raft of criticism at its unsurprising appearance and engineering. But research by a leading sciencer has revealed that the new hatchback is actually so predictable that it was forseen by Nostradamus back in the 16th century.
'This is not a complete surprise,' says Professor Ken Freeply, the sciencertist who made the discovery. 'In the past we've realised that Nostradamus foresaw many car-related things, including the development of a small Mercedes, the extensive use of Tipo components across the Fiat Group range and the eventual availability of a five-speed gearbox on the Metro. But this is the first time we've discovered an entire quatrain about just one car.'
Volkswagen were quick to rebuff the suggestion that the mkV Golf is so precisely as you'd expect that a man writing almost 350 years before the car was invented could have a guess at its design: 'Just because it was predicted doesn't make it predictable,' whined a spokespers. 'Oh alright, it does.'
MORE F1 LOONS SOON
There were shockwaves in F1 this week as it was discovered that the dramatic track invasion by a kilt wearing loon during last month's British Grand Prix at Silverstone was no surprise to the race organisers.In fact it was deliberate experiment that may become a regular part of future races.'We saw how a track invasion at Hockenhiem a couple of years ago made for a more exciting race, so we tried it again', said an F1 insider, speaking from inside F1.'The plan is that track invaders will be used like The Joker in It's A Knockout.As at Silverstone they will wear cartoonish national dress related to the host country; in next year's Chinese Grand Prix they may even have a rickshaw as well'.Track invaders will be drawn by ballot from Formula 1 fans. A spokesman for one leading team (so not Jordan then) said, 'This is great for the sport and a real answer to those who say that F1 does not let fans get close enough to the action.And the possibilities are endless.In Japan it would be considered a great honour to die for Formula 1.Imagine the coverage.'
Meanwhile the FIA has launched a full investigation into the Silverstone incedent. 'It's not the buffoonish track invasion that bothers us,' insisted a spakesmon. 'It's the sheer volume of so called 'overtaking'.Passing outside of the pit stops is dangerous and could seriously damage the reputation of F1 as a dull and soporific procession.This can't be allowed to happen again.'
Another sort of annoying F1-related Irish show off
� 2003. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 5 September
Written by Richard Porter, with Varzi. Thanks to Poo, Matt Stevens for the Honda idea and to Dave Tickle for being an asshat
Our incomprehensible used car expert sifts through some of the summer specials down at your local car dealer
Shit on my biscuits, it's bakey. And that means all the arse squealers are slicing their Michaels. Could mean a tasty bacon for the well smoothed Gary, but watch for the tim scribble it could piss in your crisps.
Ford: Free insurance and air-con on selected Fiestas
Hunstanton. I grasp the Festa, Garys love it, smell me. Free breeze tastes blimey, giving you the stuffer plops on Doris. Nicely.
Vauxhall: Interest free credit on most Astras
Garys fear the Bastard, it's got a pastry face, fat arms, but moves like your shoes. Ticking with no gristle is drizzled with bliss, lick it. Slightly.
Peugeot: Free insurance on selected 206s
You can't stop the Garys from rubbing on this little brisket, and stuffer for bugger sounds leslie. Take my gran and punch her. Creamy.
Nissan: �2000 cashback on Primeras
Bum the lumsdens, the Hut's having cack shifting the Spreadable. So, bats up a tasty cheese with a Porpoise in your slot. Lick the gristle, call me susan. Minty.