Sniff Petrol issue 46

After weathering recent criticism over pension trust funds and the selling off of large land assets, the directors of MG-Rover could be the spotlight again as details emerge of their most dastardly scheme to date; to build a secret lair - on the moon!
The new allegations come from a report in the Birmingham Evening Fudgetunnel which claims that the �42.5 million cash injection received from selling 228 acres of land at Longbridge will not, as first thought, be used to help fund development work on the Rover 45 replacement, but will be instead funnelled into on an ongoing programme to establish an evil Rover base on the surface of the moon, complete with rocket launch pads, rotating satellite dishes and a sister MG base next door which will be slightly lower and use more mesh.
'With this base plan we will finally achieve world domination, mwah-ha-ha-haaaa,' said a slightly unusual source. 'We will construct the base using a fleet of shuttles, just like in Moonraker. And Kevin Howe has a small beard, just like Drax. We need at least �40 million to build the shuttle prototype, and also to pay a royalty to Honda for the bits of their old cars it will be based on. Then the world will see the true power of the Phoenix� erm, consortium'.
Early reports say that the fiendish Birmingham designed moon base will defend itself from outside attack using a 'system of lasers', probably operated using that old electric mirror control from the Maestro that still crops up in most of their cars.

In response to criticism that complex electronics are making modern cars too clinical and nannying, BMW is poised to launch a surprise new facility aimed at humanising its top-of-the-range cars. To be intoduced initially as an option on the forthcoming 6-series convertible, the new system, dubbed Sarcastronic, is designed to offer a more human interface thanks to a special dashboard display which responds to a variety of inputs with a series of witheringly ironic messages. 'The new system can analyse a complex set of variables including driving style, climate and audio settings, and the driver's clothes,' claimed one Munich source. 'It then responds in an appropriate way. Dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes. Oh yea, we've got the lot'. Insiders say that developing the appropriate tone wasn't always easy. 'We were struggling to calibrate the system,' admitted one engineer. 'But then we set up a microphone in the viewing area of our design studio and we quickly set the correct benchmark from a series of people entering the room to look at Chris Bangle's latest styling proposals and saying, "Oh that's a nice looking car�"'.

The Detroit Show is in America. Here is a report from there.

CHRYSLER ME4-12
One of the biggest and most surprising stars of the Detroit Show was the Chrysler ME4-12 concept. Chrysler sources say the mid-engined supercar could go into production, but with one proviso. Following the success of Mercedes' own SLR project all DaimlerChrysler supercars must be built in conjunction with a Formula 1 team who will completely compromise their principles leading to massive in-fighting and an end product that is a bit disappointing. However, to avoid rubbishness Chrysler has hatched a crafty plan to develop the production ME4-12 in a tie-up with the Jordan Grand Prix team, who would go against their normal principle of making everything shit.

JEEP RESCUE
Meanwhile, star of the Jeep stand was the Rescue concept, which was designed as the most heterosexual car ever. 'It got 600 pounds feet of torque, on board satellite phone, tyre pressure control, white LEV search lights and a whole bunch o' winches,' spat a gnarled insider. 'This ain't not pinko commie faggot ass car, no siree'. Other technical highlights include on-board cameras on the underside, allowing the driver to gauge axle clearance and the trickiness of the terrain. 'But not for looking at other car's tailpipes dammit,' barked our Jeep source. 'This car ain't never even thought about another car's rear axle, you Limey dick wipe. It's all man, goddammit. Grrrr'. Detroit show goers were later surprised to read the attendant promotional literature for the Rescue which included pointless references to shooting, several inexplicable pictures of power saws and a lengthy rant about why the Rescue's stereo wouldn't be able to play a goddam Pet Shop Boys CD even if you tried to make it. A Jeep spokesmanly later denied that the Rescue was 'trying too hard'.

RANGE STORMER
Another star of Detroit was Land Rover's remarkable Range Stormer concept. 'As a company we have never made a concept car before,' noted some bloke. 'But with a similar production model coming very soon, what better way to get people's hopes up than with something really cool that will make the showroom version look weak and disappointing� Oh bollocks'. Many observers noted that the three door Range Stormer had an obvious link back to the original Range Rover of 1970. In fact, the concept's influences are more unusual than that. 'The sides are a bit too high, the doors open at wonky angles and it's painted bright orange,' admitted a senior designer. 'I think we spent too long studying the Austin Allegro'.

TOYOTA FTX / HONDA SUT / MITSUBISHI SPORT TRUCK
One of the biggest trends at Detroit was large pick-up trucks from Japanese manufacturers. 'Ha ha ha, now we are truly American,' smiled a spokser from Toyota, removing a fresh pumpkin pie from the oven. 'And to complete the transformation we will build our new full size truck in a heavily unionised factory with low build quality standards and poor productivity. Excuse me, I must go and invent a non-existent national security risk to justify a pointless war�' American car makers have been quick to respond to Japan's attempts to muscle in on their last area of dominance. 'Dammit, if they're gonna be American, we'll be goddam Japanese,' hissed a scary man from GM. 'Already we got the design team for our next mid-size car bowing a lot and buying girls' panties from vending machines. And we're going to call it the Lovelyass Deluxe Exceptional or something stoopid like that. Plus, to really beat those bastards at their own game we're gonna give this thing "reliability", whatever the hell that is'.

FORD MUSTANG
The eagerly awaited showroom version of Ford's new Mustang made its debut at Detroit, along with the unexpected news that the car retains a low tech live axle at the rear. 'You guys may be surprised by this, but the feedback we received told us that's what people wanted,' claimed a Ford woman. Sniff Petrol has been given some samples of that research which bear out these claims (see the next line down).
'Live rear axle please' Rich Hansen, Ford Accountant, Detroit
'A live rear axle is a must' David Silverman, Ford Accounts Dept, Detroit
'Above all, I want a live axle out back' Jack Rochester, Ford Purchasing Accounts, Detroit
'Got to have a live rear axle' Jackson Green, The Accounts Office, Ford Motor Co, Detroit
'The new Mustang would be great with a live axle' Brett Murphy, FoMoCo Accounts, Detroit.

FORD FIVE HUNDRED
A few years ago Ford used to sell thousands of Tauruses a year. Now it's trying to replace the once-good saloon with thousands of new models, including the new Five Hundred. Ford chief designer Janet Mays explained the reason behind the new car's name; 'It's because the design team looked at over 500 pictures of the Volkswagen Passat when they were creating the exterior style,' he revealed. 'Then I became a bit worried about the influence this was having so I hid all the pictures in a cupboard. So instead of simply copying from photographs, they had to do it from memory. Which is why it's a bit rubbish. Sorry'.

FORD HYBRID TECHNOLOGY
In an attempt to steal a march on Toyota and Honda, Ford sources at Detroit revealed details of forthcoming hybrid technology that will shame the firm's Japanese rivals. 'This is some exciting shit,' one senior engineer exclusively told Sniff Petrol: 'Basically, there's an electric motor that drives the wheels, and then a gas engine that drives the motor. Or is it the wheels? But then the battery starts the gas engine as well, so that drives that too. As well as the wheels. That's when the gas engine powers the battery. Erm... Hang on. Oh Jeez, I had a Honda brochure here somewhere�'
Early rumours even suggest that Ford is considering a previously unheard of 'hybrid-hybrid' technology, with four different power sources driving each wheel. 'Hybrid-hybrid is real serious shit,' confirmed a man wearing Ford shoes. 'There's a combustion engine, an electric motor, a hydrogen fuel cell, and a set of pedals in the back for the kids. And that's just the start,' he whispered. 'Wait till you see the sports variant. Basically, all the other power sources are removed to save weight, and the engine just runs on gasoline. It's major shit'.

Fresh from their successful court case against big shouty wrestlers, the World Wildlife Fund is now considering legal action against Williams for infringing the copyright on the common Walrus.
'It's a clear case of theft', said wildlife expert Fundiweld Moosepoo. 'I was watching the launch of the FW26, and as soon as I saw that ugly front, I knew something was up. They may claim innovative aerodynamic benefits but it seems pretty clear that they've simply copied the front end from a big picture book of fat aquatic mammals.'
A visibly grumpy Patrick Head was quick to calm the situation; 'We're willing to negotiate,' he conceded, adding that the right to use the design could be settled out of court, perhaps by arranging for Frank Williams to have a fight with a 17 stone Bull Walrus. 'He got special moves,' Head claimed. 'Alternatively,' he continued. 'If the WWF agrees to sod off they can have 30 minutes no-questions-asked 'quality time' with Connie Montoya'.

STOP PRESS Fire-engine manufacturer Dennis will NOT be entering the 2005 F1 season. Managing Director of Dennis, Ron McLaren, blames the confusion on 'a monumental typo.'

The AA has announced today that Edmund King will be filling the post of AA spokesman Edmund King for 2004.
'We're very pleased that Mr King will be joining us in the role of Edmund King,' said another spokesman. The hand-over between Edmund King, who has filled the role since 1998, and Edmund King was said to have been 'very amicable'.
Edmund King was created by Royal Charter in 1906 and was first occupied by King George VII. But the second Edmund King - Edmund King, innaugurated in 1910 - insisted that his true identity be kept secret, a tradition that has been upheld ever since.
'It's a challenging and rewarding position,' said Edmund King in a press release yesterday. 'Edmund King is at the forefront of the fatuous press-release business, and Edmund King is the right man for the job.' Edmund King was unavailable for comment.