The one sided inquiry of motoring, every month
MORE PUNISHMENT FOR SPEEDERS
Following the Government's recent proposal to add a five pound "victims' fund" surcharge to speeding fines, evidence is emerging of another, even more radical scheme to punish motorists. Under a top secret programme being developed inside Downing Street, all drivers convicted of speeding would be required to hand over the shirt off their back, which would be used to clothe low income families or other people whose personal misfortune has absolutely no fucking connection whatsoever with doing 64mph in a national speed limit zone.
'Drivers must be punished for everything,' noted one senior Whitehall insider. 'Even things they haven't done. That's why the Prime Minister and the Home Secretary are considering another radical proposal to help our hospitals which will again be supported by the motorist who will pay for the crime of even owning a car, never mind actually daring to drive it anywhere, by surrendering a pound of their own flesh'.
'Jesus, the sooner we get that media manipulating, jug faced, lying twat Blair out of office the better,' said everyone in Britain, yesterday.
A duplicitous twat, yesterday
MG-ROVER ACCIDENTALLY REVEALS MORE STUFF
Barely weeks after accidentally revealing the facelifted 75 and ZT models in a newspaper advertising campaign, MG-Rover has repeated the error by inadvertently giving away lots more secret things in the national press. Readers of two leading broadsheets were the first to spot the mistakes when a full page ad supposedly promoting a free servicing offer for selected MG and Rover models actually contained accurate details and annotated diagrams for breaking into the home of Mike Fletcher, a 47-year-old surveyor from Abingdon. This was assumed to be a one-off accident until two days later when a similar advert in the tabloid press failed to give any information about attractive finance options and instead listed National Lottery numbers for the following Saturday. Industry experts concluded that this was unfortunate but that even MG-Rover's marketing department couldn't be that catatonically stupid and incompetent a fourth time. This optimism was shattered when a series of adverts the following week completely omitted any mention of free insurance, price reductions or competitive standard equipment, preferring instead to give details of undercover MI5 operatives, codes to security doors at key Parcelforce sites and crucial plot details in forthcoming episodes of EastEnders.
'This is very strange,' said an exvertising adpert. 'But I'm pretty sure there are certain things they won't give away, such as the design of the forthcoming RDX60 medium car. Although that's because even they don't know what it looks like�'
Left: Some of the blabbermouthed ads
BMW UNVEILS NEXT 'ART CAR'
BMW has announced the latest in its long running 'art car' series, and it promises to be the most spectacular iteration yet. Following previous models decorated by legendary artists such as Andy Warhol and David Hockney, the German company's latest announcement is a 6-series coupe decorated by controversial don't-fancy-yours-much Turner prize exhibitor Tracey Emin. And, in line with her provocative image, Emin's interpretation is not for the faint hearted. The most immediately striking element is the decoration of the exterior which shuns the traditional paints used by previous art car collaborators in favour of a series of photographs depicting everyone the artist has ever spoken to whilst on the London Underground network between the hours of 9am and 3pm, excluding Sundays. As a finishing flourish, the entire car has then been smeared in human excrement. The interior is perhaps even more shocking as the standard leather seat coverings have been replaced with soiled bed sheets whilst the steering wheel is made of tampons.
'Emin's work on this car is undoubtedly challenging,' said a BMW insider. 'Although actually it's an improvement on what Chris B� [etc etc. Insert usual Bangle gag here]
2004 F1 CARS SHOW PROMISINGNESS
With the 2004 championship growing closer every F1 team is well into its new season testing programme and the news is that all their cars are looking good. After the disappointment of last year's stillborn MP4-18, McLaren have already described their new MP4-19 as 'promising'. Meanwhile, over at BMW-Williams the controversial-looking FW26 is said to be exceptionally 'promising', as is the BAR 006 which insiders describe as 'promising'. Over at Renault, engineers working on the R24 openly talk of the car as being 'promising', their bullishness almost matched by current champions Ferrari whose F2004 is tipped to be 'promising'. Having been cleared of plagiarism, Sauber have declared their C23 to be 'promising' whilst experts haven't ruled out Jaguar whose R5 is said to be 'promising', nor the new Toyota TF104 which is looking 'promising'. Finally, keep an eye on Jordan whose car is probably 'shite'.
� 2004. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 5 March
Written by Sniff Petrol, with thanks to Craig, MD and Poo
Our tame car salesman looks at the forthcoming slew of medium hatchbacks.
Touch my fundies, there are a hefty turd of backflaps drizzling into the mixer this year. Here are the biscuits.
Mazda3: Hit my piss, this is smelling gravy. Box of otters, slide like a nice one. It's slanty so smooth, could be pointy. That's slippery. Do you like cress? Mimsy.
Skoda Octavia: When the bouncers were gitwhisk you need the long side. But this is filling your shoes with fruit. Touch them. Have you always lived around here? Greasy.
Vauxhall Astra: The last Ashtray had a plate of potatoes but slide like an arse liker. This has tided the parts, kissed my sister. Sticky knees. Where did you get those curtains? Sue Lawley.
VW Golf: The moist daddy of the basket. Shins like giblets, nailed to the brisket, smells of yeast. Yes. You really must give me that recipe. Minty.