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Issue 48
March 2004
The one engine rule of motoring, every month
The so-called 'Mystery of Dalaro' in which 32 people in a small Swedish town bought a new Volvo S40 on exactly the same day, has now been solved thanks to Sniff Petrol. The remarkable coincidence, subject of a special documentary which has been used in Volvo's advertising campaign for the new car, occurred in October last year, since when it has been baffling scientists and getting on the tits of anyone who has watched the bloody TV commercial for the 23rd time.
'The answer is quite simple,' said Bjorn Ulvaeus, one of the coincidental car buyers featured in the 'Mystery of Dalaro' documentary. 'The only car dealer in Dalaro is the Volvo one and, since all previous small Volvos have been shit, when a decent one is announced of course everyone is going to want to get shot of their rubbish old 440s and V40s. Besides which, in a small Swedish town it is very common for people to do the same things at the same time, such as buying Volvos, drinking vodka, listening to ABBA records, reading hardcore pornography or killing yourself. Frankly, those are about the only things you can do in Sweden'. Mr Ulvaeus reacted angrily to suggestions that his response was simply peddling stereotypes about boring Sweden and its national pastimes. 'Why should I give a shit,' he spat. 'I'm an English speaking Norwegian actor hired for the commercial. It was all made up you idiots'.
Sniff Petrol tried to ring some real residents of Dalaro but they had nipped out to buy more self-assembly furniture.
There were red-faces in Wolfsburg last night following an embarrassing revelation about the origins of Volkswagen's innovative W12 engine. Although engineering experts initially believe that the W-pattern cylinder layout was a clever way of making a large capacity engine more compact it has now emerged that the unique format is simply the result of German people and their inability to say the letters 'v' and 'w'. 'I'm afraid this is true,' admitted one anonymous engineer. 'In Germany the letter 'w' is pronounced as a 'v' and this is where the confusion arose. We were ordered to create a new V12 engine for our flagship models but unfortunately someone wrote the 'v' down as a 'w', thus creating a needlessly complex engineering development programme.' Sources at VW head office say this is not the first time such a mix up has occurred. Some years ago another, even more tenuous mix-up occurred when engineers from the small commercial vehicle division wasted two and half years trying to work out what on earth a 'wan' was.
'Erm,' said a European languages expert. 'I'm not sure this story makes any sense'.

Sweden relaxing at home with friends, yesterday
Germany in characteristically laid back pose, yesterday
Shitting hell, it's March already and that means the Geneva Motor Show. This year's show was of particular note since it's the first motoring event to be approved by the European Federation for Recovering Cardiac Surgery Patients on the grounds that it contains no big surprises whatsoever. With that in mind here are some half-hearted awards for the stars of the show.
The Special Award For The Car That Looks Most Like A Squinting Hollywood Actor Turned Mayor Award
This award has to go to the unusually piggy-eyed Rolls-Royce 100EX concept. Show goers were particularly surprised to learn that Rolls-Royce has no plans to put this car into production. 'No, no, no. Having successfully masterminded the re-birth of Rolls-Royce with the Phantom we went to all the trouble of creating our vision of what a logical extension of the range would look like and now we're not going to make it. That's right, it's not going any where near production. In fact I don't want you to look at it,' said one insider. 'Right, that's it, I'm putting a cloth over it,' he added testily, before standing there for 20 minutes with his moustache twitching.
The Most Rampant Load Of Old Sexist Nonsense Award
There was really only one contender for this award and it was Volvo's YCC concept. The company is proud of the fact that this car was designed entirely by woman and seems in no way surprised that they came up with a good looking coupe with cool doors and a reasonably powerful engine, rather suggesting that actually women like the same stuff in cars as men do and that this whole exercise was just a load of patronising bollocks.
'We were a bit surprised that they didn't stuff it with flowers and teddy bears and somewhere to hang your handbag,' said one insider. 'Oh hang on, there's one of the designers now,' he added. 'Make us a cup of coffee would you love?'

The Oooh, I Wonder If They'll Put It Into Production Award
This category was so packed that there are four joint winners - the BMW M5, the Renault Modus, the Mitsubishi Colt CZ3 and the Citroen C4 Sport, all of which, oh no wait, let me think, might just be entering production in the near future. 'Announcing something as a concept car when it must be insultingly obvious that it's really a forthcoming production car with a bit of extra trim sellotaped to it is standard practise,' claimed one industry insider. 'How else are we supposed to disappoint people when they see the showroom model and realise that you can't have it with those nice big wheels?'
The Oh God, I Hope They Don't Put It Into Production Award
The Chrysler PT Cruiser Convertible wins the Oh God, I Hope They Don't Put It Into Production Award. Oh God, they have.

The Jimmy Somerville Cup For Making The Streetka Look Manly
Our final award, and an easy win for the Mini Cabrio. The judges were impressed with the availability of a new disco orange paint job and the chrome roll hoops which make it looks like a big, camp pram. Sources say that the latest addition to the successful Mini range is so cloyingly cutesy that they are considering plans to sell each one with a pre-chosen name, 'a bit like a Cabbage Patch Doll. Or an orphan'.


You'd never get bored of punching him, would you?
There was dismay amongst British F1 fans this week with the news that irksome commentary blight James Allen has already prepared enough twattish things to say during a race to last him for the entire season. Following a typically annoying 2003 season there were hopes that the weak-voiced turd might start the '04 championship ill-prepared to spout his usual combination of tedious stats, banal speculation and wanky soundbites of such feeble thought and execution that the average motorracing fan is rendered puce with rage and frustration. Sadly this is not the case. Spies within ITV's F1 headquarters say the chubby faced tit has in fact spent much of the winter swatting up and is poised to be even more mind crushingly tedious over the coming races.
'This is certainly a shame,' noted Maurice Ital of F1 magazine Every Other Sunday. 'I was rather hoping that ITV would have actually seized the chance to replace him. Instead we have to bear another season of listening to an aggravating dullard taking what amounts to an extended wank over the beautiful face of the sport I love'.
� 2004. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 2 April
Written by Sniff Petrol. With thanks to Jim Wood, chocolate digestives, and Poo