The chip and pin of motoring, every month
NEW DISCOVERY IN WRONG DOORS FIASCO
There was panic at Land Rover last night as it emerged that the new Discovery could be delayed because it has been fitted with the wrong doors. 'Oh God, what are we going to do?' wailed one anonymous engineer. 'The doors don't match at all. I think they must be off a different car.' According to a bloke we spoke to, the problem stems from the deep groove which runs along the front and rear wings, in stark contrast to the doors which are completely smooth. 'We used a lot of black tape to disguise Discovery prototypes,' explained one slightly less anonymous engineer. 'So when we first peeled it off we initially thought the missing groove must have just come off and be stuck to the sticky side of the tape. But it wasn't there. I think we've somehow ordered the wrong sort of doors.'
Due to the complicated way the car industry works, doors must be ordered long before a model goes on sale and there is plenty of scope for errors. In this instance experts believe Land Rover simply forgot to tick the box marked 'groove' on their special door order form. This is in marked contrast to former sister company Rover's experience with the original 800 where some clot ticked the groove order box far too many times.
'It's not uncommon for a groove to be lost,' noted Dr Upe Geoffpex, Head of Stuff at St Gobain College. 'For example, the Artist Now Known As Prince Again lost his groove some time in the late 1990s and, judging from his pedestrian new single, he still hasn't got it back.'
FORD 'RUN OUT' OF RS EXCUSES
After announcing the attractive RS Fiesta concept at the Geneva Show, Ford has been forced to announce that it can't think of any more excuses to delay making it. 'When the Focus RS was shown in concept form we had plenty of spurious reasons for why it was taking so long to reach production,' said a man who we think works for Ford. 'The dog ate the suspension diagrams, we left the power steering pump calibration notes on a bus, Paul Medhurst from 3b stole the body-in-white drawings and drew a big cock on them, that sort of thing. But with the Fiesta we've run out of feeble excuses. Oh shit, I think we might have to just get on with building this thing.'
Spies within Ford's special engineering place say that, with all excuses out of the window, work has indeed commenced on a showroom version of the sporty Fiesta. 'That's right,' confirmed a man who looked like an engineer. 'We've already got a sheet of A4 and written the date and our name at the top...'
Note missing door groove problem situation
Fiesta RS Concept
Note no visible reason why it shouldn't go
VEYRON DELAYED FOREVER
The Bugatti Veyron was designed as a 1001 horsepower flagship for the entire Volkswagen Group. Now, following the cancellation of a planned press launch whilst the steering was re-worked and a downgrading of the projected top speed claims, VW insiders claim the dramatic range-topper will be delayed 'until the end of time'.
'This is not entirely unexpected,' claims Professor Ken Freeply of Nigel Havers College, Kettering, who knows this stuff. 'I think their first mistake was in getting a small boy to lay out the engineering parameters. Whenever I ask my seven-year-old son to draw a supercar he always claims the power output is "a thousand" and that the top speed is "250mph". The difference is, where I'd tell him not to be so fucking stupid, Volkswagen set about trying to meet those inept kitchen table projections.'
Many industry observers were surprised to spot a small footnote in early Veyron publicity material which read; 'Warning: The value of insanely large power and performance projections may go down as well as up' but even they have been shocked to see that the Bugatti's key stats seem in some way to have been accidentally index linked to the dollar or something.
After rapidly rising to foolishly large amounts, Prof. Freeply now believes that key elements of the W16-powered hypercar are in recession and he has calculated where they may end up, if by some miracle the car ever goes on sale: 'By my reckoning the eventual power output and top speed will fall by around 10 percent per quarter which means, taking an optimistic on-sale date sometime in 2079, that the Veyron will produce 69bhp and have a top speed of 91mph,' he said. 'I also predict a similar downgrading of the car's appearance so that within 50 years it will be a small three door hatchback, something like a garishly two-tone Lupo'. Professor Freeply later denied that he was simply 'making it up'.
Note silly Photoshop projection of how it might end up looking
ECCLESTONE NAMED NEXT DR WHO
Science fiction fans are in shock this week after news that the next Dr Who is to be played by F1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone. The motor racing mogul, who beat favourites including comedian Eddie Izzard to the role, will start filming the new series of the cult time travel series later this year, starting with an episode rumoured to be called 'Terror on Planet Paddock'.
'We think Ecclestone is a great choice for the Doctor,' said a sweaty man from some fan club. 'Like the Tardis, he appears small on the outside but is actually capable of strange and unusual things. And making stuff disappear.'
Another damp palmed geek was swift to endorse Ecclestone's latest surprise venture; 'Along with many people, I think Tom Baker was the best Dr Who,' he commented. 'And of course Tom Baker was a mop haired lunatic.'
Sniff Petrol now realises that the part of Dr Who has actually been given to Christopher Ecclestone. Sorry.
� 2004. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 7 May
Written by Sniff Petrol. With thanks to Jim Wood, Adam Brook and Poo
Has anyone noticed that in EastEnders there's now a gruff pretend Cock-er-nee bloke called Minty? Well there is. Here's more incomprehensible toss from our used car expert.
Grunted to the auctions at Spaffley last week. Saw a Z-plate Minge slide up the ham side at 50 lucy. Someone will be farting like a tractor on the smoothness. Tasty.
Alan Passcock of Gizzing has laid his legs on a moist Pastry. It's a 47 on the %, crisp portions, wet potatoes. I'd smell his face for twelve gravy, butter his onion, talk like lesley. He can only look strange. Grunty.
A nice tasting Gary slid up my gran last week, stubbing the bumcakes on a slippery Biscuit. Licked my sister for a slightly seven, parped on his arms at two score Granville, split the gristle at four beales. Half a cat under gusset, everyone was sweaty. Fancy.
Sturdy ankles on a whistling Pisscake means dribbly business, as one well tooled Gary discovered last week. Smiling twat, crapped in the library, pulled his hair for an otter under the kitchen. Greasy fingers, touch my lovely, look at my nice curtains. Minty.