The Swiss ref of motoring, every month
MURDERERS SAVE LIVES SAYS HIGH RANKING MENTALIST
There was fresh irritation this week as Richard Brunstrom, Chief Constable of North Wales opened his mouth. The plainly deranged policeman recently attracted flak after calling for yet more speed cameras despite recent figures which show that, with record numbers of cameras already in operation, the road death casualty rate has actually risen. Now the unhinged cop boss has gone further with a claim that murderers actually save lives. Sources say that Brunstrom has reached this unusual conclusion based on his decision to completely ignore any evidence which suggests that most murderers actually kill people. However, this could be only the start of a range of mental pronouncements which, so police spies say, will include a new book provisionally called "Cooking With Delicious Poison" and a keynote speech to the Association of Chief Police Officers entitled "Black Is White - I'm Right Because I've Decided I Am". Sources close to Brunstrom later denied that the Chief Constable was a pig headed twat.
DIONNE WARWICK IS FULL OF SHIT SAYS TRAVEL EXPERT
Singer Dionne Warwick was in hot water this week after a scathing attack from a leading travel expert. "I was listening to the radio the other day when I heard Ms Warwick asking if anyone 'knew the way to San Jose'", says Hmspit Mouseparts, from leading road travel firm TrafficWatch. "Yet she went on to claim that she was 'born and raised in San Jose'. How on earth couldn't she find her way back to the town where she grew up, especially since she later insisted that she had 'lots of friends in San Jose'. I mean, Jesus, when was the last time she saw them?"
Mr Mouseparts was quick to rebuff the popular singer's assertion that she had "been away so long" that she might "go wrong" and lose her way. "How the hell can you go wrong when attempting to get back to your home town?" he insisted. "I mean, for God's sake, she says she lives in LA. It's even in the same bloody state. Let this be a warning to all legendary '60s easy listening sensations to prepare fully for any journey".
However, Mr Mouseparts was not the only one to dismiss Warwick's melodic claims. "Dionne Warwick claims you can 'put a hundred down and buy a car'", noted Randy Penisburger of the American Auto Salesman's Association. "Well I can tell you right now sir that we currently have no deals of that nature. And even if we did offer such a low payment arrangement it would be for an automobile such as a Neon. And they're shit".
Dionne Warwick in the '60s, yesterday
� 2004. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 6 August
Written by Sniff Petrol, with thanks to MD and Poo
Our strange car dealer reviews some new convertibles. At least, we think he does.
Grip my biscuits, it's turd on toast outside and that means the well smelled Gary is touching cloth.
Vauxhall Tigra: Sweet grease from the Futon, fat hamster, sturdy grunting, folds the helmet like a pointy gay. Smell me.
Mercedes SLK: The pointy gay made the hard helmet, grunts like a bitch, smells of cheese, please don't sneeze in my hair. Tasty.
Ford StreetKa: The flap bastard Cat is a firmly spurter. Smack the helmet, flimsy bristols, grasp the handles, try not to fart in the back bedroom. Crispy.
Mini Cabriolet: All Garys clasp the Mimsy and this will parp in your hands. Strange gristle, someone's panties, this appears to be oily residue. Minty.