Buy the Crap Cars book, Buy the Crap Cars book
BMW IN SMG MODE MADNESS
BMW's brand new M5 has stunned road testers with its performance, handling and a remarkable 11 separate modes for the car's seven-speed SMG sequential gearbox. However, despite claims that this is simply "too many" modes, engineers in Munich are said to be hard at work on even more selectable options for future versions of the semi-manual transmission. "You can never have too many modes," said one high-ranking engineeringer. "That's why the next generation SMG will come with over 100 user selectable settings, almost all of them bafflingly pointless. To begin with there will be some fairly obvious choices such as 'Sport' which offers a more aggressive change strategy, 'Track Sport' which offers even more aggressive change strategy, and 'Club Sport' which offers a change strategy so aggressive that on every upchange the car will literally smack the driver in the face with a big club. These settings will be joined by other sport modes including 'Lucozade Sport', 'Sky Sport' and 'Dickie Davies' World Of Sport'"
However, our Munich source says that this is just the tip of a very silly, gearbox-related iceberg. "The real developments for the next SMG system will come in automatic mode," he claims. "Traditional autoboxes typically feature just a simple 'Winter' mode. We will take this to the next logical step with 'Spring', 'Summer' and 'Autumn' modes, plus additional settings including 'Drizzle', 'Light Breeze', 'Slightly Overcast' and 'Oooh, It's Mild For The Time Of Year' modes".
Our BMW spy also claims that further developments may include modes selectable on the basis of the driver's mood, including 'Comfort', 'Tired', 'Bloody Annoyed' and 'Strangely Wistful'. However, he denied recent rumours that we may also in future see a 'Shouldn't You Have Decided On The Car's Settings For Us Since You're The Fucking Engineers' mode.
STOP PRESS: There was anger at BMW last night following the return of a new M5 press car used for an Autocar road test. Munich sources say the vehicle may have to be scrapped because the interior was 'drenched in spunk'.
NEW DISCOVERY DEVELOPS OWN GRAVITY
There was concern in the car industry this week after it was revealed that the new Land Rover Discovery has developed its own gravity. Sources say this unprecedented and slightly scary development can be attributed to the acclaimed new 4x4's astonishing mass: "During the development of this car Land Rover engineers were unsure about whether to stick with a traditional ladder frame chassis or a car-style monocoque," notes Knicholas Pisscock, Emeritus Professor of Always Available For Comment at Tony Mason College, Squirming. "In the end they got a bit confused and used both, the result of which is that the new Discovery weighs as much as the moon. It's no surprise that this sheer size and weight has led to the development of its own gravity".
Residents close to Land Rover's development centre in the Middlelands have already reported several alarming incidents in which children, animals and garden sheds have been inexorably 'attracted' to the bodywork of passing prototypes and had to be prised off with special tools. Sniff Petrol tried to contact the Discovery's chief engineer for further comment but he had become stuck to the tailgate again.
A new Discovery in gravity disaster,
affirmative shit we hear, agree? (9)
Peugeot put on a big display for their home show, star of which was the remarkable 907 concept. Featuring a V12 engine and dramatic coupe styling, this striking one-off marks the latest attempt by the French manufacturer to really annoy people with a stunning concept car that it has no sodding intention of even remotely putting into production. "It is very attractive, n'est pas?" said a spokesman. "We just did it to piss you off". However, some industry observers have been quick to point out that, since it killed off the 106 and 406 ranges, Peugeot doesn't make good cars any more and the sub-zero chances of the 907 going on sale are no bad thing because it would probably be shit.
Following the almost-as-dull-as-this-year's-Hungarian-Grand-Prix Focus hatchback, Ford shocked show goers and the SAAB designers whose 9-3 cabrio rear end they seem to have stolen with the attractive Focus Vignale coupe-cabriolet concept. "Don't worry," reassured a spokesmna. "If we make it we'll be sure to fit it only with a 1.1-litre engine to ensure that excitement levels are kept in check. In fact, once we've taken all the neat detailing and the big wheels off it I think you'll be unpleasantly surprised at how dull we can make it, especially in a proposed Vignale-only non-metallic paint finish we're working on. It's codenamed 'Granny's Undercrackers'"
The Paris Show was the first appearance for re-named GM-Daewoo which will now be known as Chevrolet across Europe. "We realised that Daewoo is a badly devalued brand that means nothing to people outside of its home market," admitted a spokseman. "So it made perfect sense to replace it with Chevrolet which is a badly devalued brand that means nothing to people outside of its home market. Oh� Bollocks". Star attraction of the Chevroloo stand was the handsome S3X concept. "Look! Its name is a bit like 'sex'" spluttered a sposkenam childishly. Rumours remain that the company's next show car will be a sleek coupe concept called the 800B5.
BMW wowed Paris crowds with its remarkable H2R hydrogen-powered prototype, not because it has broken nine world records and has a top speed of 187 mph, but because it's the first BMW in recent memory that doesn't look like a bag of screwdrivers. "It's good isn't it?" said a clearly delighted spkoseman. "I think Chris Bangle was on holiday that week". However, it wasn't all good design news for the H2R. "Look at those wheels," said one senior stylist proudly. "We had them specially imported from the 1980s".
Chief Parisian attraction from Audi was a major facelift for the A4 range. Observers were particularly interested to note that Audi design boss Walter Of Silver has had a new idea. "That's right," agreed a spoekmsan. "After endlessly re-using the ideas of big, chrome rimmed grilles, thin rear lamps that extend across the boot lid and dramatic creases down the flanks that he kept peddling at Alfa and SEAT, Walter has been working really hard to have a fourth idea. And now he's cracked it with the striking, aggressive headlamps you see here, just like on Alfa Romeos� Oh Christ".
Fan of British sports cars have been shocked and baffled by the recent news that TVR's corporate slogan is to be changed to 'Orgasmic Living'. Some believe this is a bizarre demonstration that the company's new owner, Russian billionaire Nikolai Smolenski, is not the clever businessman many hoped but may in fact be a pubescent rich kid who learnt English by looking up rude words in the dictionary. To set the record straight, Sniff Petrol spoke to the man himself.
Sniff Petrol: Nikolai, thanks for agreeing to talk to us.
Sniff Petrol: First of all, we have to ask, what's the logic behind your new slogan for TVR?
Smolenski: Stinky bumcakes.
Sniff Petrol: You have to concede that many felt the previous slogan, 'The Spirit Of Driving', was more than adequate.
Smolenski: Poo. Hahahaha!
Sniff Petrol: And the cars themselves; can you reveal any more of your future model plans?
Smolenski: Hairy fannies. [laughs]
Sniff Petrol: So it would be safe to assume that TVR won't abandon its core values of raw performance and sexy styling?
Smolenski: You said sex. [sniggers]
Sniff Petrol: Nikolai, thank you.
Smolenski: Big dog's cock.
As the result of several different kinds of error, this interview was not with Nikolai Smolenski. Sorry
OH NO, IT'S VILLENEUVE
There was dismay in F1 this month with news that Jacques fucking Villeneuve has replaced Jarno Trulli at Renault and will have a drive at Sauber for the 2005 season. After losing his seat at BAR last year many motor sport fans had hoped that the stupid-voiced undeserving former World Champion would turn his back on Formula 1 forever. "You cannot deny that Jacques fucking Villeneuve is capable of putting on a good show," noted Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. "And yet it's equally hard to deny that he's a complete bell-end who gets on everyone's nerves". Sources say that, although everyone in F1 agrees that Jacques fucking Villeneuve is so annoying that you just want to attack him with a hammer, there is some debate about which is the most annoying part of this festival of quite unbelievable annoyance. "I think it's his ratty little face," said one high ranking member of a leading F1 team. "Especially when he grows that bloody stupid tufty little beard". However, not everyone in the paddock is quite so sure. "I'd have to vote for his ridiculous accent as the most annoying part of Jacques fucking Villeneuve," added another senior engineer from a rival team. "Although there's always those sodding ridiculous baggy overalls, they're quite annoying too. Oh wait, what about his questionable talent and reliance on his legendary surname? That's annoying too. And I haven't even considered his stupid swaggering arrogance, the cocky little shit. God, there's so much to choose from�"
Whilst the F1 community struggles to decide which is Jacques fucking Villeneuve's most annoying quality, seasoned observers have already highlighted a more serious concern. "I think we have a very real and dangerous situation on our hands," warned one experienced motorsport journalist. "On his own Jacques fucking Villeneuve is more annoying than it's humanly possible to quantify. But we should not forget the exceptionally high risk of accidentally creating an unprecedented 'super annoyance' which will slay TV audiences and destroy the entire sport forever. To prevent this there is only one solution: Jacques fucking Villeneuve must be kept at least 100 yards away from James twatting Allen".
When a man is tired of smashing Jacques fucking Villeneuve in the face with a fire extinguisher,
he is tired of life
� 2004. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 5 November
Written by Sniff Petrol, with thanks to MD, Nebpor and Poo
This year's Paris Motor Show was held in Paris, again. Here is a report about it.