The prevailing atmosphere stink of motoring, every month
Yes, it's Geneva Show time again which is why Sniff Petrol jumped on a plane to Switzerland. Unfortunately, in our excitable haste we somehow ended up in Swaziland which is why all our stuff about the motorshow is completely made up as usual.
Alfa 159: One of the stars of Geneva was Alfa's replacement for the 156, called the 159 because it is 3 better. "With this car we are confronting the opposition head on," said a spokesman. "This is a major step forward in dynamics and quality� no, wait, I'm reading from a 156 press pack. Hang on, this is actually the press announcement for the Fiat Brava. And indeed every Fiat Group car from the last 15 years". Engineers say the 159 boasts a 37% increase in torsional rigidity of up to 47,000 cubic Newtons.
Alfa Brera: Geneva was also the first public appearance for the long-awaited Alfa GTV replacement. Like all good Italian cars, the Brera looks terrific now but is expected to go off over time, much like an Italian woman. "It is beautiful today," said a manspokes. "But then one day you will open your garage and find it's much fatter, wearing a headscarf and stirring a massive bowl of pasta sauce". The new coupe is claimed to offer a five fold increase in torsional rigidity, to a class leading 59,329 square Newton yards.
Cadillac BLS: One of the more intriguing Geneva debuts was this Europe-only Caddy, based on the SAAB 9-3. "The logic behind this is simple," said a spomkesan. "No one seems to like SAABs anymore so we thought we'd re-body one of their models as another kind of car that Europeans don't like". The BLS is expected to spawn another model, called the BLT, which will be a bit thicker and more mayonnaisey. Both cars are said to feature a 94% increase in torsional rigidity, up to 110,990 ambic hectare Newtons.
Lexus IS: A crucial debutante from Lexus, the new IS has grown up and now offers more space in boot, which is now able to take at least two sets of golf clubs, as well as increased rear seat room, allowing the accommodation of at least three sets of golf clubs, and a higher quality dashboard which can swallow a class leading number of golf clubs. As you would expect from a Lexus, options will include a state-of-the-art sound system which can play CDs, MP3s and golf, whilst engines will include Lexus's first diesel motor, which will run on golf clubs. Sources in Japan say the new IS has recorded an impressive squintrupling of torsional rigidity, up to 500,000 atmospheric kiloNewtons.
Maybach 57S: Posh Merc peddlar Maybach surprised Geneva visitors with this sporty version of its 57 limousine. "We have learned a lot since we started selling the Maybach," said a psokesman. "Specifically, we have learned that no one really wants to sort of tarted up S-class that's more vulgar than Elton John's bathroom. We decided that the way to attract people who want a relaxing, luxurious limo was to make it really sporting. Actually, that makes no sense at all. Damn". By using the shorter Maybach 57 as its base, engineers say the S version is 312% more torsionally rigid, offering a benchmark figure of 785,330 metric inches Newtoned.
Mazda MX5: The third generation of Mazda's ever-popular sports car attracted plenty of attention from Geneva show goers, not least for its pumped up wheel arches and more macho stance. "We have measured this using special devices," said a spoesmank. "We have optimised new MX5 so that it is 15 percent more manly than before. That is a significant increase in manliness which will manifest itself in sharper handling, more shouting, and farts". With an all new bodyshell, the MX5 is claimed to be 107.6 times more torsionally stiff, at a class-leading 1 million pentametric Newtonings.
SEAT Leon: The not-very-popular Spanish manufacturer displayed its latest attempt to make all its cars look basically the same for no explicable reason. "SEAT is determined to be become the part of the VW Group known for its pointlessness," said a sspokeman. "That's why, hot on the heels of the completely pointless Toledo, the Leon will be aimed at people who want a lower car based on the Golf platform, but not a Golf. Or an A3. Or an Octavia. Or they could just buy a Focus. Or an Astra. Or� damn". When it enters production, the Leon will boast a notable 908% increase in torsional rigidness of around 2.6 million optical furlongs (Newton).
VW Passat: VW's biggest Geneva star was the crucial new Passat which the company says is built to tackle the BMW 3-series, although presumably that's just a joke. Aside from the rubbish and fussy styling, onlookers were most surprised by the new car's completely massive overhangs. However, a Volkswagen spoksmane was quick to point out that these are necessary to meet pedestrian safety requirements. Peace of mind if you ever find a Passat reversing towards you at 30mph and you get knocked over by its big fat arse. The new Passat's body is reported to offer 47 billion times more torsional rigidityness, a figure equivalent to a number so big that it cannot be seen by the human eye, when expressed as an indices of the square root of the industry standard measure of vertical airbourne Newtocentimetres cubed.
F1 2005 PREVIEW
� 2005. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 1 April
Written by Sniff Petrol. With thanks to KJ, GJ and Poo
FERRARI
(Michael Schumacher / Rubens Barrichello)
In an unprecedented move, the FIA has already announced that Ferrari is the winner of the 2005 F1 championship. Freed of the pressure to aim for the driver's and constructor's title, the tedious Man United of motorsport is now free to devote all of its time to being a bunch of arrogant double crossing shits. Spies say Schumacher simply cannot be arsed with the new season and has replaced himself with a scary bionic half-robot from the future. Happily no one has noticed.
BAR
(Jenson Button / Takuma Sato)
Despite denials to the contrary, the team must have been destabilised by Jenson Button's embarrassing attempt to join Williams at the end of last season. Sort of like leaving a party in a flurry of sincere goodbyes, and then remembering you've left your jacket behind. Incidentally, rumours abound that, having attempted to become more serious by insisted his names was 'David', BAR's former team boss is to go to the other extreme by becoming known as 'Dave Rick'.
RENAULT
(Fernando Alonso / Giancarlo Fisichella)
Flavio Briatore's Victorian Workhouse For Young Drivers has yielded a great result in Fernando Alonso, who remains committed to the team, despite being paid just a shilling a week. Renault will be hoping to keep up their 2004 tradition of making great starts, but there are concerns that actual race pace may be affected by the ever increasing weight of Alonso's hair and eyebrows.
WILLIAMS
(Mark Webber / Nick Heidfeld)
After a disappointing 2004 season, teams bosses Frank Williams and atrick Phead have made a big statement of their intent to up the stakes in 2005 by selling their private jet in order to liberate more funds for serious development. Of course, Williams will also have more spare cash to spent on the cars now that Montoya has left for McLaren, as they can comfortable slash 75 percent off the budget for pies, cakes and lard.
McLAREN
(Kimi Raikkonen / Juan Pablo Montoya)
McLaren were a bit rubbish during 2004, something that might have been down to a rare form of drag that engineers often call "David Coulthard". Although that has been solved for the new season, there is some concern that during interviews Kimi Raikkonen appears to be turning into Garth out of Wayne's World and that Montoya has invented a new meal between dinner and supper. Meanwhile, to show how serious he personally is taking 2005, Ron Dennis has bought a new bomber jacket.
SAUBER
(Jacques Fucking Villeneuve / Felipe Massa)
Sauber are one of the great survivors of F1 and should never be discounted from surprising the big boys when they least expect it. Right, that's the clich� out of the way. Now, why in name of God did they hire that wanker Jacques Fucking Villeneuve? I mean, he's the kind of man that even Robbie Williams would describe as really annoying. Still, the first race is in Australia so there's always the distant hope that a mongoose bites him in the face.
DEAD BULL
(David Coulthard / Christian Klien)
Rises from the damp ashes of the Jaguar team, the Dead Bull team is optimistic that, even if they installed a two speed gearbox and one of those funny put-put engines out of a dumper truck, they couldn't do any worse than Jag did over the past few seasons. Mind you, with David Coulthard as lead driver, who knows what new seams of mediocrity they can mine.
TOYOTA
(Jarno Trulli / Ralf Schumacher)
Plodding along like your grandmother in her Yaris, Toyota are still here spending loads of money to score solid ninth places. Trulli can be fast until about halfway through the race, then he gets bored and slows down to have a rest. The second most talent Schumacher brother has been enjoying a winter motivational programme of listening to Erasure's new album, attending Shirley Bassey concerts and buying cushions.
JORDAN
(Narain Karthikeyan / Tiago Monteiro)
No sooner had he negotiated some engines out of Toyota than team founder Edward Jordan pulled off an even bigger trick by persuading tycoon Alex Shnaider to buy his increasingly rubbish F1 outfit. Sources say Shnaider actually thought he was paying several millions dollars to own unintelligent comedy knockered Heat mag slag Jordan and was rather disappointed to find he actually owned the second worst team in Formula 1. Shnaiderer is often called a "steel billionaire". This is because he is actually made out of steel.
MINARDI
(Christijan Albers / Patrick Friesacher)
Somebody has to be at the back and Minardi are happy to do that job. However, the team is refusing to rest on its laurels and will be entering 2005 expecting a fight as Jordan and Dead Bull in particular fight for Minardi's position as the slowest team on the grid. In their favour, Minardi have a couple of pretty unproven drivers, but then Dead Bull do have David Coulthard.
