Sniff Petrol issue 65

Just last month Volkswagen was rocked by allegations of high level corruption involving the supply of prostitutes to senior union officials. Now sources say the German car giant is set to capitalise on the recent scandal by making hookers available on the entire VW range. One well-placed Wolfsburg insider claims that the company will soon phase in a series of prozzie-related special offers for every car it sells. "Obviously the specification of the prostitute will vary according to the model in question," our spy claims. "The entry level Polo will come with a very basic tart, probably quite young and inexperienced. Whereas at the other end of the scale Phaeton buyers can naturally expect a complete high class hooker that does kissing and can supply bondage gear". Sniff Petrol also understand that, as is traditional with German cars, customers will be able to pay extra to improve the spec of their in-car slag. So, for example, a Golf buyer will be able to pay a premium to have their functional but slightly dispassionate Latvian hooker uprated to an adventurous Hamburg whore who will talk dirty and stuff. "This is an industry leading plan," said another insider. "VW has long been ahead of the game for interior finish. Now we can also steal a march when it comes to happy finish".
ERROR: Unfortunately the above article repeatedly contains reference to the standard fitment of "prostitutes". This of course should have read "sat-nav".

MG Rover, the British car company that was once worth a tenner, has now been bought by Kerching, a Chinese company that doesn't appear to have any money but has spoken to its bank and sorted out a really good overdraft or something. No sooner has Kerching sealed the deal to buy Longbridge than already it has revealed plans for the future. "First of all we've contacted the other, unsuccessful bidders," said one Kerching insider. "We're asking them if they want to get involved, sort of like buying a really nice house in an auction and then inviting the people you outbid to pay you rent to sleep in your bath". Sources say the next part of the strategy is to issue really nice drawings of some cars. "People like really nice drawings of cars," our insider revealed. "And we are confident that we can deliver the really nice drawings that people want. Many have questioned our ability to make this work, but there is no question that we are committed to as many really nice drawings as the market demands. Meanwhile, we will also demonstrate our commitment to making up big numbers regarding the number of people we will re-employ. Whatever is required, we can make it up. If we are expected to claim that we will create 47 billion jobs, we have the capacity to make up that number". However, Longbridge spies say the most exciting aspect of Kerching's plan will come with a new building project. "We have already started construction," says our mole. "We are already putting together a massive pie, which will be located in the sky. Unlike all the production lines, which will be located in China. Oops..."

Kimi Raikkonen's world championship hopes were cruelly enhanced at the Hungaroring after his McLaren Mercedes completely failed to retire due to mechanical problems half way through the Hungarian Grand Prix. Mercedes have publicly apologised to Kimi for what they have called, "unacceptably low levels of unreliability". "We had rigorously tested for failure all week," said a man in really horrible leisurewear. "Why Raikkonen failed to retire like Montoya is beyond us, but we hope to look through our telemetry, which also failed to stop working throughout the race, to give us some ideas." Initial reports showed that a lack of a complete engine failure was to blame, but according to one anonymous engineer, "It could be one of a million components that actually worked. Frankly, we're stumped". McLaren now have a 3 week break to pinpoint any weak points within the car, develop them, and introduce some new ones.

Och aye the noo muthafuckers! Crazy Dave comin' atcha, hangin' with the mad bad Red Bull. Man, when they say that shit give you wings, I ain't knowin' that they talkin' about an actual wing getting' in my way an' makin' me crash. But dat's the bad shit that happenin' to Crazy Dave in Hungary. People say, yo mus' be mad 'bout that, but Crazy Dave ain't the kinda guy to let that mess wit' his head. Hell, I don't even let a razor mess wit' ma head. 'Cos that's tha flava I'm spinnin' now. Yo catch me? And now I'm going to use the F1 summer break to chose some new towels for one of my hotels.

The holiday season is here and many British motorists will be taking their cars abroad. And, with this handy Sniff Petrol summary, you need never be caught out by foreign driving regulations again.
If you're driving in France you will be required to carry not only spare bulbs and a warning triangle, but also a copy of the Dunstan Checks In, the movie about an orang-utan that lives in a hotel. Contrary to the rest of the world, the French love this film, largely out of the relief that unlike their home-made cinema it doesn't feature three hours of a man in a black roll neck talking about the meaning of an egg. Also it's got a funny hairy ape in it.

It's worth remembering that right-hand drive cars are illegal in Portugal. However, British drivers planning to take their own car to the place sometimes described as "shit Spain" can comply with Portuguese law by turning the driver's seat around and looking where you're going using a massive mirror. Please also bear in mind that Portuguese police can fine you for not driving whilst attempting to eat a water melon.

Anyone planning to drive in Germany must remember to fit their car with an owl. Das Eulengesetz or "The Owl Law" was introduced in the 1970s by transport minister Rudi Schrober, who was mental. The penalties for not carrying an owl can be severe. Last year one British motorist was hit in the face with an Anglepoise lamp after police discovered that what appeared to be an owl correctly mounted on the dashboard of his car, was in fact a crudely modified child.