Blockading the refinery of motoring, every month
FIRST FUEL CRISIS, NOW BOOZE CRISIS
No sooner has Britain been plunged into fuel crisis than reports are growing that the newspapers are poised to completely manufacture another catastrophe for the British public, this time centred around booze. Already some parts of the country have experienced record queues at bars and pubs as word spreads of possible drink shortages and some landlords have expressed concerns about their ability to meet with demand as the thick British public decide to tackle a potential problem by actually increasing their consumption of whatever is in short supply. Panic drinking started earlier this week and is expected to escalate as fears grow for a completely made up shortfall, particularly in Stella, Staropramen and other drinks that make you go mental. "We pay too much for booze as it is," said one drinker in Preston. "Now the government won't act to stop this booze crisis I was left with no option by to sink 11 pints of Guinness and a couple of whiskey chasers. I didn't want to, but I can't risk a situation where next week I'm left without being able to go for a quiet pint and a curry". Psychologists say that panic drinking is an entirely understandable phenomenon akin to that experienced at airports when all the gurning scum off your flight crowd selfishly around the baggage carousel as if that will make their luggage arrive faster. "It's a well known reaction in situations like this," said human behaviour expert Dr Pantene Provee. "It comes back to what social scientists would refer to as 'everyone in the entire country being fucking stupid'".
However, not everybody in Britain was content simply to drink lots of booze that they didn't want or need. Following the lead from this week's fuel demonstrations, drink-based groups are planning to take action of their own with a series of really shit protests.
Meanwhile, the drinks industry moved swiftly to calm the situation; "There is no drink shortage looming," said a spokesman for the British Association of Booze. "We admit that stocks did dip momentarily, but this was purely caused by the England cricket team".
Another kind of stupid sheep, yesterday
SCOOP! LONGBRIDGE RE-DEVELOPMENT PLANS REVEALED
As MG Rover's new owners continue to stuff as many things as they can into their trousers and then sneak back to China, Sniff Petrol has unearthed a remarkable plan to rejuvenate the Longbridge area with an innovative amusement park. To be called British LeyLand, the new park will be sited on part of the former Longbridge factory and will offer a range of unique rides and attractions themed around the history of the local motor industry. "This really will be a unique entertainment experience," said a spokesman for the park's developers. "It will be focussed very much around kids which is why one of our slogans will be 'Make your daughter feel like a Princess'. In other words, flaky, slow and inclined to poke her arse in the air when parked on a hill". Spies tell us that specific British LeyLand attractions will include the dangerously understeering Marina Rollercoaster, the terrifyingly rusty Austin 1100 Pedalos and an amusement arcade featuring the ever-popular Michael Edwards' Break The Strike game. Parents won't be forgotten either, with a unique MG Rover relaxation tent in which Peter Stevens and his team will attempt to give you a facelift for �3.50.
"We really are promising a Maxi-mum experience," said a spokesman. "By which I mean the park will be spacious, ugly and impossible to get into reverse."
British LeyLand is expected to open around the same time that car production resumes at Longbridge. So basically, never.
How one of the rides might look in the future, yesterday
The Frankfurt Show is very big. Here is a very small report from there.
Words: Bob Phoneitin
Pictures: A Duck With A Camera Sellotaped To Its Arse
The star of the Ford stand at the Frankfurt Show was the striking Iosis concept. This fascinating show car's name is derived from the popular rock band Oasis to reflect the fact that it has massive eyebrows, a surprisingly good new album and is "mad for it". Its designers say this car introduces a dramatic new design language that will eventually appear on exciting forthcoming showroom models.
The star of the Toyota stand at the Frnakfurt Show was the striking Endo concept. This fascinating show car's name is derived from a type of BMX move, and also street slang for marijuana, to reflect the fact that it fits into a range of concepts such as the Barspincheeba, Tailwhipgrass and the Elephantglideskunk. Its designers say this car introduces a dramatic new design language that will eventually appear on exciting forthcoming showroom models.
The star of the Mazda stand at the Frankturf Show was the striking Sassou concept. This fascinating show car's name is derived from the caribou and Great War poet Siegfried Sassoon, to reflect the fact that this car was inspired by a massive moose that writes really depressing poetry. Its designers say this car introduces a dramatic new design language that will eventually appear on exciting forthcoming showroom models.
The star of the Renault stand at the Frakfnurt Show was the striking Egeus concept. This fascinating show car's name is derived from Zeus, the supreme God of the Olympians, and the popular mums' favourite actor Peter Egan, to reflect the fact that it has a commanding driving position but could also happily star in Ever Decreasing Circles with Richard Briers. Its designers say this car introduces a dramatic new design language that will eventually appear on exciting forthcoming showroom models.
The star of the Smart stand at the Frnkafrtu Show was the striking Crosstown concept. This fascinating show car's name is derived from a game that was invented at Smart headquarters in which company employees would see how far they could drive across a town in it without everyone laughing at their stupid little Noddy car. Its designers say this car introduces a dramatic new design language that will eventually appear on exciting forthcoming showroom models.
The star of the Kia stand at the Fartfnurk Show was the striking Multi-S concept. This fascinating show car's name is derived from nobody being able to think of anything good. Its designers say this car previews a load of stuff that you've already seen on lots of other cars that will eventually appear on some more derivative shit in a Kia showroom.
Och aye the noo muthafuckers! Crazy Dave comin' atcha with the mad flava of Red Bull. Smells like a motherfuckin' hospital. Now The Man, he sayin' that the '05 F1 is getting' hot. You got ma buddies Nando and the K-man bustin' fo' the prize. But Crazy Dave, he got mo' important tings to worry 'bout. Like shavin' ma beard into kick ass shapes, 'cos that beard, it tell the world that Crazy Dave don't give a shit no mo'. I don't want ma name on no trophy man. Names is for tombstones. Although I was thinking about calling my next hotel The David Coulthard Travel Lodge.
� 2005. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 7 October
Written by Sniff Petrol, with thanks to Keith Adams and Poo