The gay actor's baby of motoring, every month
AMERICA IN GAS DISASTER
As American gas prices sky rocket in the wake of Hurricane Katrina and the sterling leadership of a president who continues to pursue a military campaign against irrational religious-led violence because God told him to, reports are now reaching the international media of the horrifying steps some US citizens have been forced to take in order to keep mobile. Alarm bells were first set ringing by first hand reports of at least one man on the West Coast deciding to order a brand new Dodge Thrustfucker with a 5.7-litre engine, rather than the premium package 7.8-litre V8. However, this soon proved to be just the start of a series of measures that many desperate Americans are taking as the gas crisis takes hold. Several major US cities have reported multiple cases of drivers electing not to use their cars at all, even on long journeys such as from the donut store to the Starbucks at the other end of the block. Experts say such occurrences can only mean one thing; that the gas price situation has hit so hard, some Americans may even have taken to the last resort of 'walking'. "I saw this guy yesterday, he was moving along the street but he didn't have a car," said one shocked eye witness. "He was kind of moving his legs systematically, one after the other to achieve some sort of forward motion. I can't say how, but it sure looked like he was doing this without burning any gas whatsoever. May God have mercy on us all".
As the US gas crisis deepens and with no end in sight as yet, many Americans are now turning to their President to take action, hopefully by firing some missiles at A-rabs.
PORSCHE TO LAUNCH CAYMAN CONVERTIBLE
No sooner has it launched the new Boxster, the 997-series 911 and that drizzle of vomit on the dress shirt of motoring that they call the Cayenne, than Porsche is set to expand its line up once more with a brand new convertible version of its recently launched Cayman coupe. Although the exciting new soft top is said to resemble its acclaimed fixed roof sister, Stuttgart sources say it will feature cosmetic difference to differentiate from all the other cars that Porsche makes that look quite similar. Performance-wise, the new car is expected to slot neatly into the Porsche range between the top of the Boxster, the middle of the Cayman and the bottom of the 911 range. "Just as the Cayman is more than a non-convertible Boxster, so this will be more than just a convertible Cayman," said a German man. "It will fit perfectly into our range, aimed at the customer who does not want a convertible like the Boxster but also would like a Cayman that is a convertible". However, the new model, tipped to be called the Coxster, has a more important job than that according to high ranking Porsche sources: With the 911 currently depleted by the changeover to the 997 and further GT2, GT3 and Turbo variants still some way off, the Porsche range is in danger of actually making sense for a change, and it will be the Coxster's job to restore some bewilderment to the popular German sports car maker. "I'm confused," said Professor Stephen Hawking yesterday.
How the Cayman convertible might look, yesterday
(photo: Auto Bilg)
SAT-NAV PUSHES THE BUTTON
As downloadable alternative voices for portable sat-nav units becomes the new craze for techno geeks, leading navigation maker Bongo has secured an exclusive deal to provide the latest commands for its new BG5000 in-car guidance system from none other than indecisive F1 star Jenson Button. The Williams, no BAR, no Williams, no BAR driver has already recorded the sound bites that will be dispensed during navigational instruction and sources say they will mark quite a departure from the usual commands issued by sat-nav units. For example, on approaching a T-junction, BG5000 users will be told to "turn left� no, actually turn right". Then, once the driver has turned right, they will hear the British racer's voice instructing them to turn around and go back in the direction they were originally going to take. This unique feature will also come into effect on roundabouts when the synthesized Button will tell drivers to take the first exit, no actually the third exit, no let's go back to the first exit, so that they end up going round in circles until their credibility is completely undermined. However, drivers using the Bongo BG5000 equipped with the Button package are warned that making a massive U-turn may cost them 20 million quid.
A sat-nav with a picture of Jenson Button on it, yesterday
Och aye the noo muthafuckers! Crazy Dave in da house, wit' the bitchin' flava of Red Bell. Tastes like a fuckin' industrial floor cleaner. So Crazy Dave, he pull a move on Mickey Schu in Jay-pan, but that ain't important right now. See, wha'ppnin' to Jenny B, he got a beard maaan, and Nando he lookin' like he got fuckin' blob o' Marmite on his chin. That shit is ill man. Crazy Dave gotta be the only guy wit' a beard in F1, cos me don't give a shit. Still, I own several hotels and they don't.
� 2005. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 4 November
Written by Sniff Petrol, with thanks to William Blackler, JN and Poo
Our tame used car dealer appears to have been at the Scotch again
Down the hammers at Papcock last Terry, watched a gassy Basket under the bum girdle at a minge under six peebles. Moist touch, no staining, weak grease. Who left a mug on the ottoman? Flimsy.
Same baboon, saw a fat Grasper slide up the nicepipe at four norks and a turtle. Stinky knees, deep slice, uncomfortable silence, fart. Oh God, it's that couple from the old town excursion. Whimsy.
Arse of the parting was a smooth Nifty at seven turds and a weasel. Hot sauce, cock biscuits, undersnatch, surprising hat, help me. He's only pretending to be the Bishop of Bristol you know.
Grimsby.
Touched up a bag knacker for a mangy Catflap last Monkey. Some grasping, loose feet, Gary Davis. No grunting on 17 grundies. Parp. I seem to have made a terrible mess in your cloakroom.
Minty.
