Sniff Petrol issue 68

No sooner has BMW released details of the long rumoured 'hardcore' Mini Cooper S Works GP than one enterprising independent tuning firm has announced its own bargain priced equivalent. The Cooper S HIT is the brainchild of popular tuning firm MiniTweak of Watford and the company claims it will be more than a match for the lightened, more powerful factory effort. "Our first job was to extract more power from the engine," says MiniTweak boss Flimsby Conbdthwike. "So, to offer a bhp increase in line with what BMW have achieved what we've done is to retain the existing supercharger but to mount it in series with a small child's windmill, such as one might buy at a garden centre". Although MiniTweak claim that this modification is unique to their tuning package, a quick look at the official Works GP power increase suggests BMW may have done something very similar. However, the GP isn't just about barely more power; it's also about weight reduction, and Conbdthwike is confident that here too his company can match the factory's efforts with their lightening programme. "To achieve the kind of weight loss that BMW has managed with the Works GP takes almost some doing," he confesses. "But I think we've managed it. First of all, we take out the back seat and throw it away. Then we go to the pub. It was a lot of effort, but we think it was worth it.". However, Conbdthwike admits that producing a well-matched rival in terms of power gain and weight loss was relatively easy compared to the massive hurdle of equalling the Works GP in the key area of horribleness. "This is the aspect of the Works GP that really shows the advantage of having the backing of a massive company like BMW, but I think we've come up with a genuinely disgusting rival. By getting my five year old son to design the bodykit I think we've arrived at a design that is at least as cack handed and childish as the GP's and we're especially pleased with the wheels which everyone I've shown the car to has described as 'fucking disgusting' and asked 'weren't the 1980s over 15 years ago'!" To complete the package, MiniTweak will offer their GP rival only in a miserable flat grey with some utterly repulsive door mirrors in a colour that doesn't match. "It has been tricky trying to compete with a huge, well funded factory operation when we're essentially a bunch of inept amateurs," admits Conbdthwike. "So actually we're rather flattered that with the Works GP BMW has made a factory approved model that looks like it was built by inept amateurs too!"

Following the success of this year's Tokyo Motor Show with its dazzling array of concept cars and far reaching glimpses in the future, the show's organisers have exclusively revealed that next year's show will be held on the moon. "The moon makes a setting of optimised excellence for the Tokyo Show because it is futuristic," said a Japanese man we spoke to. "All cars at Tokyo are futuristic anyway, such as this year's Honda DonkeyKong Optimiser Excellence to the Suzuki SuperMario Excellent Optimisation. Why not go the whole way by holding the show in space". Although show organisers admit there is still much excellence to be optimised, the moon based plan should be ready by this time next year. "We will be optimising all excellence to make sure this low gravity show is excellently optimised". Aside from the suitably futuristic atmosphere, experts say an added benefit of holding the Tokyo Show so far away from Europe is that journalists will be able to use the thinly veiled excuse of covering a far off motor show to have an even longer freebie holiday.

British drivers are now officially the most stupid in the entire world, at least according to a new survey published by some insurance firm that likes publishing surveys to promote itself. "This is a real reason for the British motorist to be proud," said Mesmo Knuds, spokesman for the company in question. "Our findings show that there is no one in the world who is better at unbelievable stupidity, catatonic thoughtlessness and teeth grindingly selfish behaviour. Whilst other countries, such as Spain and India, may attempt drive erratically and have massive accidents for no explicable reason, there really is no contest when it comes to dithering, ineptitude and apparently having your brain removed before you get behind the wheel of a car". Amongst the fascinating findings revealed in the survey, British drivers are consistently shown as leading the world in key areas such as blocking junctions, stopping for no reason and driving up narrow streets even though something is clearly coming the other way and then just sitting there looking gormless as if the other car is going to fucking well hover out of the way. But according to Knuds, it's on motorways that Britain really demonstrates is peerless driving stupidity: "The British have long set the benchmark for having seemingly no idea whatsoever how to use a multilane road," he notes. "Whilst drivers in, say, France or Germany cling to outdated notions such as lane discipline, British motorists roundly trump them all with their ability to just sit in the middle lane talking on the phone or idly meandering into the outside lane whilst trying to read a map. No one in the world can hold a candle to the British when it comes to utterly fucking the entire road network by being so blitheringly thick". Sniff Petrol tried to contact one of the RAC's Edmund Kings for comment but he was stuck in lane 3 of the M4 behind someone doing 61mph.

No sooner is the 2005 F1 season over than the FIA has announced radical new plans to change the format of next season's racing with a new 'one shot race' format. Sources at FIA headquarters in Paris say the governing body was highly concerned by the amount of 'excitement' that this year's championship may inadvertently have generated and hopes that its new proposal will prevent a repeat of such action in future. 'One shot racing' has been inspired by the relentless fiddling with qualifying which has made it pointlessly complicated and dull, and FIA bosses hope their new scheme for race day itself will have a similar effect. Under the proposed new system, instead of assembling the entire field on the grid at the start of a Grand Prix and allowing them to 'race' for an hour and half, each driver will go out and complete the race on their own one after another, starting with the lowest placed championship driver and working up the table to the ones that will probably always win anyway. "This will solve a number of problems," said one FIA official. "First of all, it will give all teams equal TV time and sponsorship coverage. Secondly, it will remove any possibility of that annoying 'overtaking' that occasionally happened this year. And finally, it will almost certainly prevent Takuma Sato from twatting into anyone except himself".
Spies say the new and dismally confusing plan has been made possible thanks to a prototype 'split wing' system installed at FIA HQ known as the 'centreline hogwash generator'.

Och aye the noo muthafuckers! Crazy Dave comin' atcha one las' time with da crazy flava of Red Bull. Like that pink mouthwash shit dey give yo at the dentist. So dat's it for the '05, know wha' sayin'? And Crazy Dave, he slide in a 12 on the driver side. But numbers don't mean nuthin' to Crazy Dave, 'cos if there was a table for people who grow a beard and don' give a shit, Crazy Dave, he be on the motherfuckin' podium ev'ry time. Yea. Tha's it my friends, Crazy Dave is outta here and I ain't takin' no razor wit' me. Know wha' mean? You won' see me for a while, no shit. Unless you're staying in one of my hotels, in which case I sometimes do the early evening shift on reception. Peace out.