Since being sold to a Russian businesschild 18 months ago, TVR has been remarkably tight lipped about its future plans. Now the first of those schemes is emerging with news that the Blackpudlian car maker has set up a plastic surgery business. The unusual move is believed to have been inspired by owner Nikolai Smellyski who has been actively looking for to expand his empire having already made a fortune in such diverse businesses as banking, finance and bob-a-job. Many observers say the new project makes perfect sense for TVR since the company's car making operation already has extensive experience of working with plastic and dealing with massive tits. However, extending the TVR ethos to cosmetic surgery has already hit some snags according to early customers.
"I agreed to get my girlfriend breast enhancements," said one anonymous gitbasket. "I was impressed with TVR Cosmetics' brochure which seemed to offer surprisingly ample nork performance for the money. She went ahead and had them put the implants in, but I've already had to take her chebs back to the factory three times thanks to funny clonking noises and leaks".
Other critics say that, whilst individualist design may work well on low volume British sports cars, it's less appropriate on a person. "I let TVR Cosmetics do the surgery I had been saving up for," said another nameless customer. "Now my nipples are hidden on the back of my neck, my bottom lip is unpolished brass and every time my husband touches my snatch the bathroom door pops open".
We tried to ring TVR but by the time we'd finished dialling the number they'd sacked three different PR people.
BOLLOCKS BENZ BOSS SECURES SHIT SERIES
No sooner has he resigned from the top job at DaimlerChrysler than J�rgen Schrempp has stunned fans of incredibly useless chief executives by signing up for a radical reality show on German television. The new series, to be called Schauen Sie Diesem Idioten Zu (Watch This Idiot), sees the hapless Schrempp take over the running of a small shoe shop in Stuttgart and, with filming already underway, the show's producers are promising plenty of comedy management and lashings of red ink. In the first episode, due to be transmitted on TV station Deutsch Alle Schei�e at the start of next month, Schrempp takes over running the shop and immediately decides to merge with a greengrocer on the other side of town, having failed to realise that they are making no money because all their fruit is rotten! More market share losing hilarity is promised in episode two when Schrempp decides to load all of his shoes with pointless amounts of technology. Imagine the look on his face when he discovers that all the laces keep snapping and the soles fall off, forcing half of his customers to take their business to Die Blau Propellor Shoehaus across the street! With Schrempp now into his third week of mis-managing the business, German internet chat sites are hot with rumours that the rather rubbish boss is about to blow his week's takings on something called 'Smart Shoes'.
Although there are currently no plans to screen Schauen Sie Diesem Idioten Zu in the UK, TV industry spies say Channel 4 has already bought the format rights and is well progressed with development of a show provisionally entitled John Towers Buys An Antique Shop And Then Spunks The Contents Of The Till On A V8 Carbon Fibre Sideboard.
J�rgen Schrempp in his shoe shop, yesterday
Since the Detroit Show technically hasn't opened yet, here is a report from the future
The Detroit Show is traditionally an occasion for the American 'Big Three' to make their mark and this year was no exception. Ford set the tone for their year ahead with the centrepiece of their stand being a massive tips bowl whilst General Motors unveiled their new corporate slogan, "We're Begging You". Analysts now say that both manufacturers would much more financially healthy if they changed their name to The Girl Scouts and started selling cookies. Meanwhile, Chrysler is poised to introduce a cross-brand discount scheme which builds on the previous 'employee discounts for all' programme. Under the forthcoming "Actual Employee Program" customers will be invited to work in a Chrysler factory for an hour, in return for which they will be given a car.
Biggest trend of the Detroit Show was undoubtedly the crossover. Crossovers are designed to be less attractive than SUVs but not as nice to drive as a normal car and have been embraced by all American manufacturers with new models including the Pontiac Asstouch, the Lincoln MOM and the Ford SoccerParty.
But it wasn't all lazy and desperate thinking at Detroit. Just most of it. Dodge stunned showgoers with its new Caliber which is notable for not being horrible. However, insiders say the surprising niceness of the outside is more than compensated for by the usual rubbish interior plastics which one source claims have resulted in a severe shortage of Tic Tac boxes. Dodge also revealed its striking Challenger concept which proves that the most powerful tool in modern car design is a book of all the stuff you used to do when you had balls. Meanwhile, over at Chrysler chief attraction was the astonishing Imperial concept which answers the age old question, 'What would happen if you asked a 12 year old with learning difficulties to draw you a Rolls Royce Phantom?' And the answer is, it would look unbelievably fucking horrid.
Of course, it wasn't only American manufacturers at Detroit. Some stands were serving beer with some sort of actual taste as well. Lexus, for example, revealed the latest LS along with news that, thanks to unprecedented levels of sound deadening, the new limo will be promoted with the slogan "It's Like Being Deaf!" Also in the XL category, Mercedes gave us the world premier of its top of the range S-class, the S65 AMG. This twin turbo supersaloon is restricted to the usual 155mph although you can pay extra to have that limiter stretched to 186mph and if you've just paid for a 612bhp car that sounds only reasonable, just as you'd expect to order lobster in a good restaurant and then pay more to have them not do a shit on it. Finally, Nissan took the covers off its new Versa. And then put them back on again because it's bloody disgusting.
10 MOTORING MUST-DOs FOR 2006
Start your own small car company using a historic name Everyone else seems to be doing it. You don't have to make any actual cars, just lots of empty claims.
(Please note that Austin-Healey is taken)
Get Richard Hammond to present something Looks like he'll do anything these days.
Become as smug as Chris Bangle Ever since everyone else started putting weird slashes and shit on their cars he's been pretty bloody pleased with himself. Can you match that self satisfaction? (Clue: unlikely)
Think of a point to SAAB Let's face it, you can't do any worse than GM. They've had almost 16 years and they still haven't got a fucking clue.
Buy a new Honda Civic and drive to the middle of Norfolk They'll think you're from the future and make you some sort of God. Or burn you.
Buy 50 Toyota Prius' and use them to block Ken Livingstone's front door He won't mind because, according to the hybrid exemption in his �8 a day driving into London tax, they don't cause congestion.
Decide to look like Bernie Ecclestone Oh you mock now. Wait until the summer when the catwalks of Milan will be covered in chippy midgets with abysmal hair that looks like their mum cut it.
Send Sniff Petrol some ideas Because I'm a bit short at the moment
No really I am
RON DENNIS EXPERIENCES UNFAMILIAR SENSATION
Ron Dennis possibly being excited, yesterday
Following news that F1 world champion Fernando Alonso will move to McLaren for the 2007 season, thus meaning Flavio Briatore has completed the set by shagging himself, insiders say that team boss Ron Dennis may have become 'excited'. Although the manifestation of this excitement has yet to be determined, it now seems almost certain that parts of Dennis' face may have at least momentarily moved. "I definitely believe signing Fernando had an effect on Ron," claims on Woking insider. "I have heard tell that the corners of his mouth may have twitched slightly, reportedly in an upward direction".
Of course, this is not the first time Dennis has experienced the possibly disorientating and unfamiliar sensation of 'excitement'. Regular F1 watchers may remember that when Miki Hakkinen won the world championship TV viewers across the world distinctly heard the team boss's voice rise somewhere above the pitch of a buzzing industrial freezer whilst many long serving factory staff fondly recall a time when, following the delivery of some new promotional clothing some years ago, Dennis was heard to say, "Mmm, that's a nice bomber jacket".
� 2006. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 3 February
Written by Sniff Petrol, with thanks to Neil Taylor, MD and Poo