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Issue 71
March 2006
The breakaway race series of motoring, every month
Some piss, yesterday
The new Mercedes S-class has already drawn attention for its unprecedented level of high technology driver aids. Now Merc is poised to add to that already impressive list of gizmos with a forthcoming option aimed at reducing the risk of driving along when you really need a wee. Dubbed Piss Assist, the new system works using a system of tubes, bottles and a funnel and will be offered on the S-class from this summer. "Our research shows that road safety can be severely compromised by driving along desperately needing a slash," said one Stuttgart Insider. "As well as impaired concentration caused by focusing attention on not wetting yourself, there is also the risk of not operating the controls correctly thanks to heightened levels of leg jiggling". Benz insiders say Piss Assist will not only dramatically reduce the number of times when the motorist has to drive like a nutter to reach a petrol station before they get any seepage on the front of their keks - the system will also prove a bonus for long distance drivers who can't be arsed to stop for a waz.
However, before Piss Assist has even gone on sale Mercedes spies say that the company is already working on a second generation system which will make use of the urine stored in the on board bottle, rather than simply dumping it on the road once a pre-set speed threshold has been passed. Instead, the driver will have the option of firing jets of hot piss from a special washer jet carefully designed to repel those twats who try to wash your screen at the lights. The more advanced Piss Assist is likely to be phased in with the introduction of another forthcoming S-class option called Pikey Fighter Plus which is designed to keep the poor away from your car.
Not to be outdone, BMW is said to be working on a system to rival Piss Assist, believed to be labelled Shitronic.
The car industry was in crisis this week with news that everything they do is rubbish, at least according to the sneeringly critical opinions of a fat nerd who posts on an internet forum. Chris Titt, better known by the username SuperFlash2000, is a 32 year old IT consultant who drives a Lotus Elise and correctly believes that owning a moderately quick car and having a high disposable income makes him completely qualified to be critical of everything, knowing full well that he will never be asked to prove he could do better. "We've really been shown the error of our ways," confided one senior car company source. "I mean this bloke clearly knows his stuff. He's able to deliver incisive feedback and opinion on almost any car without even having driven it. You have to take that kind of knowledge seriously. We spend years developing our new models but we just can't compete with a greasy charisma vacuum who sits in front of a computer all day and then goes home to spend the evening in front of a computer because he rightly knows that the whole world must hear the relentlessly negative opinions of a man whose entire life experience is based on stripping down hard drives and dressing like a member of the Jesus and Mary Chain, but one that couldn't get laid even if they had a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes hanging off their nob".
Mr Titt himself was unavailable for comment because he was watching Top Gear, something he does every week despite repeatedly claiming to hate it.
Another annoying geek, yesterday
Sniff Petrol actually went to the Geneva Show this year. Unfortunately, we were suffering from a debilitating hangover which is why our report is all made up bollocks as usual.

One of the biggest shocks of the show was the Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano which, contrary to those first preview photos, actually looks really nice, especially when it's not on those vile pentagram wheels. "We do not compare our cars to others," said an Italian spokesman. "But I'm going to anyway. In its class the Fiorano will have the most power, the most performance, the most long distance luxury. And of course the most horrendous depreciation� Oops."

There was a double announcement over at Porsche with the first sight of both the 911 Turbo and GT3 models. Whilst the Turbo appears to have been designed by taking the clay model and then standing on the other side of the room twatting vents towards it with a cricket bat, the GT3 both looks quite nice and promises unprecedented levels of comfort for this model. "We have listened to what customers want from this car," said a speaksman. "That is why it will have a quality audio system, phone provision and satellite navigation. For added comfort we have also for the first time fitted something called 'springs' between the wheels and the bodyshell. However, we may offer a lowered sports kit which will both break your back and make the car so low that some of it will actually be below the road surface."

Although Chrysler was foolishly showing The Most Horrible Car Ever, that piss poor Rolls knock off called the Imperial, Rolls-Royce themselves were not to be outdone in the vileness stakes, taking the covers off the not-very-nice101EX coupe. "People questioned BMW's stewardship of the Rolls-Royce brand," said a spokerman. "But I think we've proven that we fully understand core brand values such as space, light, detail, luxury, and of course the fact that many of our customers are vulgar and disgusting. Whenever we are designing a new car we encourage our designers to think, What would Michael Winner do?"

Big news on the Volvo stand was the new S80 exec car. As with any new Volvo, the S80 introduces a raft of new and improved safety features which promise to make it one of the safest cars in the world. Most controversial of these features was the new Driver Exclusion Protection System (DEPS) which claims to offer a remarkable 100 percent reduction in accident rates by the simple expedient of not letting anyone drive the car. "Our research shows that a car is at its most dangerous when someone is behind the wheel and the car is moving along," said a Swedish sporksman. "By not letting that happen we can make the car much safer. Of course some say that this completely undermines the point of having a car at all, but I would argue that not being able to drive anywhere is both safe and of course gives you more time to read pornography, develop a drink problem and kill yourself in other ways."

As the 4x4 backlash grows, Land Rover fought back with the in-no-way-hastily-cobbled-together Land_e concept. Clearly scribbled on the back of a gas bill about three days before the show, the Land_e featured bits of plastic and some flashing lights that were meant to represent a kind of imaginary hybrid system, although they might as well have made it completely unrealistic with wings and scramjet engines and a cloak of invisibility. "Land Rover is committed to new powertrain technology," said a speakingman. "What especially attracted us to a form of hybrid system is that it requires lots of lovely heavy batteries. We reckon we could have a car that's even heavier than a Discovery by 2008. Then it'll start dragging distant planets towards earth and kill us all. Ah� shit."

Whilst other manufacturers pursue familiar hybrid and biofuel systems, Peugeot used the show to announce a brand new environmentally friend powertrain solution that takes advantage of the 407 Coupe's unsightly gaping mouth. Dubbed Krillmatique, this innovative set-up uses the car's large grille to suck in plankton, just like a whale. "This is a completely sustainable fuel," noted a speakerman. "Although unfortunately to take of advantage of it you will have to drive everywhere under the sea. Merde!"

Over at SAAB all attention was focussed on the radical Aero-X concept which is meant to mark a turning point as owners GM show they have worked out what to do with their Swedish division. Not bad going since they've only had 16 years to think about that one. "This car shows the future of SAAB," said a spokesspeaker. "I mean obviously future SAABs won't have a longitudinal 400bhp engine, and obviously we aren't going to make a low slung supercar, and obviously it would be utterly impractical to fit any of our production cars with a canopy instead of doors but nonetheless you are looking at some very strong clues about whatever it is we're not going to do. Do you remember that dreadful Nova kit car from the '70s? So do our designers."

Star of the Opel stand was the new GT sportscar, which is based on the Saturn Sky, sister to Worst Car In The World elect, the Pontiac Solstice. "The design process behind the new GT was long and complex," said a speakyspoker. "We had to go all the way to the parts cupboard, get an Opel badge out, and then we had to attach it to the front with some special glue. Ker-ching! Ha ha ha� Oh."
Photos: a cocker spaniel
Fernand O'Lonso, Fizzy Keller
Chances of winning anything: Sturdy
Top fact: As a present for winning the 2005 World Championship, Renault F1 presented Alonso with a new shaving mirror. "It was only then I realised for much of the season I had missed a little bit on my chin," the Spanish driver admitted. "I must have looked like a complete twat," he quipped.
Kim E. Raikkkonen, Wan Pablo Montoya
Chances of winning anything: Bendy
Top fact: With his seemingly unflappable character and emotionless voice, Raikkonen is rightly known as 'the iceman'. With his erratic form and large rolls of fat, Montoya is rightly known as 'the piesman'.
Ralph Schwiggum, Jarno Truly
Chances of winning anything: Milky
Top fact: As befits their claimed status as the team with the most money in F1, Toyota have a sometimes lavish approach to engineering. For example, the new TF106 has a panda skin steering wheel, rhinoceros foreskin pedal faces, and the tyres are filled with the breath of Liam Neeson.
Mike Schumacher, Phil Massa
Chances of winning anything: Stiff
Top fact: Schumacher is famed for his ability to multitask during a race. For example, during the '05 Hungarian GP telemetry reports showed that the he used the 'quieter laps' to read a magazine, phone his friend Steve and write a letter to the Radio Times asking for more repeats of Bergerac.
Mark Webbbber, Nick O'Rosberg
Chances of winning anything: Smooth
Top fact: New to the team is Keke Rosberg's son Nico who was named after a film in which Steven Seagal goes around kicking people in the face. In some countries this movie carried a different title, but Above The Law Rosberg would have sounded really stupid.
Jensen Buttoon, Rubens Limoncello
Chances of winning anything: Hefty
Top fact: How will Button and Barrichello get along? Well there's an old saying in F1 that goes, 'If you want results, make sure your other driver is an amiable perma-cheery Brazilian who sometimes looks like he's got special needs'.
Crazy Dave Coulthard, Christian Clean
Chances of winning anything: Wiry
Top fact: Last season Crazy Dave had a new 'don't give a shit' attitude. More surprising of all was that he had ceased to give a shit about being mediocre and instead extracted some impressive results from the Red Bull car. Shame he looked like a tramp.
Jacques Fucking Villeneuve, Heidi Nickfeld
Chances of winning anything: Moist
Top fact: Jacques Fucking Villeneuve used to go out with Danni Minogue who was recently depicted in the British press engaged in lesbionic activities. And with Villeneuve as his team mate, Heidfeld is another person who is going to be spending a lot of time very close to a twat.
Austin Montiego, Chjrijijiajn Albjers
Chances of winning anything: Skinny
Top fact: Midland have inserted the 'MF1' bit into their name after too many people confused them with what is now known as the HSBC bank and kept asking them for a free Griffin pencil case with compass and protractor set. Driving round in an actual bank might be faster.
Vitantintantontio Liuzzi, Scoot Spedd
Chances of winning anything: Flimsy
Top fact: Scuderia Torro Rosso is just Italian for Team Red Bull. Interestingly however, in some ancient South American languages it literally translates as 'thank Christ Aguri has turned up, now we won't be right at the back all the time'.
Takuma Satoh no! Eric Idle
Chances of winning anything: None
Top fact: Rumours persist that Aguri are not a real team but were invented by Bernard Ecclestone to provide some accident prone comedy during the middle bit of the season when everyone's bored. To this end, hopefully Sato will continue his '05 form when he appeared to think he was in a banger race.
� 2006. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 7 April
Written by Sniff Petrol. With thanks to Roger Mance, Poo and Ford for taking Sniff Petrol to Geneva.