Sniff Petrol issue 72

There was excitement amongst people who like handbags this week as Audi revealed its brand new TT, along with claims that the new car is up to 42 percent. This impressive increase is claimed to be indicative of Audi's intention to build on the enormous success of the original TT, but achieving a whole 42 percent hasn't been easy. "The coupe lifestyle ABC1 user chooser lifestyle disposable lifestyle market lifestyle is more competitive than ever," said an inside person. "That's why it was vital that we made the new TT a given percentage increase. The target was a 40 percent but we're delighted that the actual number we can quote is slightly higher". Audi spies say the 42 percent figure has been achieved thanks to a ten percent rise in something, allied to a 27 percent reduction in something else, plus a torsional excellence lifestyle maximisation of 12 percent compared to the previous model, leading to a whole 42 percent when compared to another number. So whilst the new TT's looks are clearly a clever evolution of the existing version, it's under the skin where the really impressive percentage work has been done. "Obviously we gained a lot by basing this new car on the impressive and adaptable percentages of the independent rear axle of the new VAG medium car platform," said one person standing just outside the inside. "But we have built on those percentages with a significant increase in the optimum stiffness variable aluminium system percentage increase spaceframe essential loading percentage area lifestyle. Systems".
Whether the new TT can match the remarkable success of the outgoing model remains to be seen, but with a whole 42 percent behind it the new car certainly looks pretty significant increase spaceframe loading lifestyle extensive optimum magnetic neutral dynamic aluminium widthways orientated distribution balanced real terms functional elasokinematic excellent solutions system!

When bosses at DaimlerChrysler's shit creek brand Smart warned that tough decisions were needed if the company was to make a profit, many industry observers were unsurprised when these decisions included killing the ailing Roadster model and last week's announcement that they will also cease production of the larger ForFour model. Now Smart management has revealed their most radical cost saving measure to date - they're not going to bother making any cars at all. "To see some return on investment it was crucial that we deleted unprofitable models like the Roadster and ForFour and these measures seemed to work," said someone who was inside. "So then we realised that if we got rid of the ForTwo as well this would completely solve the problem of trying to sell cars at a loss. Car making is a difficult business to return a profit on. So we aren't going to do it any more. Now we are just going to sit here keeping out of trouble and everything will be fine".
Whilst some observers are puzzled as to how you can be a car company when you don't make any cars, at least one high profile industry figure was approving of the unusual plan: "I can heartily recommend this approach to car not-making," said former MG Rover boss Joan Towers. "We stopped building cars almost a year ago and I still seem to have lots of money".

Our used car expert shares more tales from the lot.
Perhaps to him it's us that sounds weird.

Grunting was spastic last Thursby, then some Gary slides by gripping the wrists of a six pipe Mandy. Low spillage, full heft, shame about the Priest seats. Up at six bundies, let him touch my legs, came to rest on a firm turtle. Language Timothy! Lovely.

Previous Wogan some lumsden comes over shifting a hairy Lane, wants a Peter. No flip flops, short nails, Alan Hansen. Told him no more than three Ritas, nearly greased my knees. Slapped it back for Thora Hird, farted off the park in a peep. Rene, ze flashing knobs! Flimsy.

Up the hammer at Glansby, a sturdy Miasma parped out at seven leslies and a ratcock. Stiff grunting with breeze, moo but no Telstar. These days most Garys grasp the bastard, I wouldn't finger the biscuits without it. Ger-Ger-Granville, f-fetch your cloth! Windy.

Shifting is busy on well stacked Screamers. Fondle a brisket, scuff the thumpers, moist arms, smiling lazlo. Arse. Smacked up the nice pipe at four to seven grahams. Light and nice, surprisingly small hands. Don't tell him, Pike! Minty.

The world of Formula 1 was rocked last night by news that the Schumacher brothers had used the Australian Grand Prix to carry out a remarkable prank on the entire paddock. F1 fans were initially baffled by the siblings' relative performance in the race which saw Michael Schumacher driving his Ferrari erratically and getting overtaken, whilst younger brother Ralf enjoyed a storming race and brought his Toyota home in third place. The bemusement was heightened when Michael eventually crashed his car and then ran straight into the Toyota pit, apparently by mistake. Now it seems this was no mistake but a simple slip which gave away the truth that the Schumacher brothers had actually swapped places as part of an elaborate April Fool's joke!
"Despite appearances, such as the appearance of being from Germany, the Schumachers are actually keen practical jokers," admitted one insider. "Given the date on Saturday they decided this would be the perfect weekend to switch seats. Amazingly, no one noticed at first, even when 'Michael' was overtaken by Liuzzi's Toro Rosso and then smacked the car into the wall, while 'Ralf' drove a blinder, passed loads of people, and finished third". F1 spies say that the brothers were so keen to pull off the ruse they even agreed that Michael would make a Ralf-ish school boy error like breaking the pit lane limit and incurring a drive through penalty. After successfully deflecting any suspicion with this cunning set-up, Ralf almost gave the game away when, having destroyed his brother's Ferrari, he ran into the 'wrong' garage to change back into his Toyota overalls, but not before Michael finished the race and ran off to hide in the loo, allowing his brother to take to the podium.
Of course, this isn't the first time F1 has enjoyed an hilarious driver switching jape. For example, during his time at Williams Joan Pablo Montoya was repeatedly switched for a fat sweaty oaf whilst for several years Jacques Fucking Villeneuve's car has actually been occupied by a twat with baggy overalls and a silly voice who should have cleaned up the 1997 championship way earlier than he did.

Och aye the noo muthafuckers! Crazy Dave comin' atcha on da Bull dat is Red. And dat tastes like kid's medicine. Safe. So, we's into F1 '06 and dat means we is runnin' wit' tha V8 flava, 'cept ma buddies down at the Scu'. But that ain't important, 'cos what everyone really be talkin' 'bout is that Crazy Dave, he had a shave. Yea. But people say, Crazy Dave, las' year yo had a beard cos yo didn' give a shit, right? Then yo start '06 and yo is smooooth. Whasappnin' man? Has yo started givin' a shit or wha'? And, I say chill baby, tha's jus' the Crazy Dave way. I like to keep it mix up on the flip side. Fo' sho'. Furthermore, I was making an effort to remain clean shaven during the promotional work for Pole Position, my new range of male grooming products.