Re-shuffling the cabinet of motoring, every month
PEUGEOT IN SPECIAL EDITION SHOCK
Peugeot has shocked fans of surprisingly rubbish small cars and being dicked over by people in Paris this week by announcing a new special edition to commemorate the closure of its Ryton factory. The new 206 Redundanc� goes on sale later in the year and will include a range of unique features to reflect the forthcoming closure of the Coventry assembly plant including power steering to facilitate easier U-turns, rear parking sensors to allow for suddenly backing out of things, and a powerful stereo system so that you don't have to listen to reasonable arguments. The new model will be topped off by a unique tailgate graphic depicting 2300 people being shafted up the arse. The 206 Redundanc� will come a range of attractive finance offers, including a special scheme in which the buyer gives monthly payments to the EU and then wakes up one morning to find that their car has been taken away and given to someone in Slovakia. Since the 206 Redundanc� will actually be made at the doomed Ryton factory it commemorates, buyers can also expect a few other 'special features' including a turd in the glovebox and a big blob of snot on the gearlever. The car will also most likely come with several dashboard rattles, an ill fitting door and random electric faults, although this equipment is not unique to the Redundanc�, having been standard on most Peugeots for some time now.
A typically sensitive ad for the new model, yesterday
5th GEAR IN LITERAL CRASH SPECTACULAR
Car fans will be glued to their TV screen this month with news that 5th Gear is about to stage its most spectacular stunt to date by crashing the entire programme into another show. "TV audiences love to see things smashing into other things," said pointless crashing expert Fargo Knub. "5th Gear have led the way here by remotely controlling lots of stuff into other stuff and replaying it endlessly in slow motion. But having run out of cars to impact into each other, it seems only logical that they should go one step further and bang their entire broadcast into another".
Channel Five sources say that 5th Gear has already been fitted with a range of sensors and hydraulic controllers ready for the spectacular stunt attempt at the end of the month. At just after 8pm 5th Gear will begin its run up, before stopping at 8:10 for an ad break. Then from 8:14 until 8:40 the run up will be delayed so Jon Bentley can explain lots of things in slightly too much detail. Finally, at 8:45 the programme will set off, passing through Dispatches on Channel 4 and ITV's Coronation Street before hitting the point of no return in University Challenge on BBC2. Spies say many TV viewers will be shocked and amazed as 5th Gear than smashes directly into DIY SOS on BBC1. The stronger programme will crumple slightly on impact, spilling paint and knocking wittering suburban idiots who can't put up shelves off their feet whilst 5th Gear's complex lap time computer thing will almost certainly be broken, causing extensive damage to the people who sit in the background miming being on the phone. If you care about how safe your favourite programmes are, this is one feature you cannot miss.
Five sources even say that if the crash is successful, a repaired 5th Gear will attempt to go even bigger by crashing Jason Plato's ego into something of similar size. Probably Jupiter.
5th Gear being prepared for a crash, yesterday
F1 IN DRIVER BOREDOM ALLEGATIONS FIASCO
After last weekend's not-very-interesting European Grand Prix, many F1 fans' attention turned to the high number of retirements and debate about emerging teething problems for 2006's new V8 engines. However, in the past few days F1 spies have hinted that these race drop outs largely happened for an entirely different reason - the drivers were bored.
"Whilst Schumacher and Alonso fought it out at the front there really was bugger all going on in the rest of the field," admitted one paddock insider. "We had a feeling something was up when one driver pitted for fuel and asked his pit crew if 'anyone had an iPod' he could borrow. Shortly afterwards, another well known racer was heard on the pit radio asking if his car could be 'fitted with a telly' because he was bored off his head and wanted to watch some DVDs".
As more allegations of utter boredom come to light, the Honda team was first out of the blocks to insist that Jenson Button's retirement was the result of mechanical failure and not because he 'couldn't be arsed and wanted to get home to watch The Apprentice on Sky+'. Super Aguri also issued a statement, denying that Takuma Sato retired on lap 45 because Franck Montagny had sent him a text message saying, 'I'm in a bar, there are girls here, sod the race!'. Toyota and McLaren were also swift to play down rumours that the reason Ralf Schumacher and Joan Pablo Montoya retired on exactly the same lap was because they were both 'really bored off their tits' and decided to get back to the hotel to continue a game of Risk they had started the night before.
"These rumours are completely false," said an FIA spokerserman. "Europe might not have been the most exciting race but don't worry, the next round is in Spain and that's always an exciting one. Oh no wait, it's not. Never mind, I'm sure we'll be back to full overtaking action a fortnight later in Monac� oh. Shit".
Something boring, yesterday
Och aye the noo muthafuckers! Crazy Dave comin' atcha wit' the phat flava of Red Bull. Smells like da cupboard in yo bathroom. Yea. So, Crazy D he have a bad time at tha Euro race and he don't finish. People say, Crazy Dave, yo havin' a bad time blood, in tha driver championship yo got jus' one point. And me sayin', no sweat, 'cos Crazy Dave, he is number one, fo' sho'. Not in the race shit, but in tha race to have a muthafuckin' beard. Yea. An' I ain't gonna make no mistake like Jenny B. That dude, he look like fuckin' Noel Edmonds man! I jus' bringin' that fucka back slow, know wha' sayin'? Of course, even when one does have a full beard, my Pole Position moisture balm can be use on other parts of the face as usual to prevent dryness.
� 2006. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 9 June
Written by Sniff Petrol.