Sniff Petrol issue 74

There was good news for fans of being a dithering thicko this week as Vauxhall revealed more details of the brand new Corsa, including a series of high tech options specifically designed for the kind of mush brained simpletons who bought the old model. Chief amongst these options is a new system dubbed MLA - Middle Lane Assist - which relies on a series of sophisticated sensors to detect if the driver is displaying anything resembling correct motorway discipline and triggers a warning tone so that they can resume their correct spot in the middle lane, even though the inside lane is completely empty. MLA is directly linked to another exciting new feature known as ASA, or Annoying Speed Assist, which is capable of detecting the speed limit for any given road and then holding the car at precisely 4.5mph less than that. Meanwhile, low speed manoeuvring is taken care of by another revolutionary system labelled Inept Park Assist (IPA) which works off the familiar bumper-mounted parking sensors but sends the information from them to a dedicated ECU which then assesses the steering and throttle inputs needed to bump repeatedly into the car behind and still manage to come to rest bang slap in the middle of a kerbside space that is actually big enough to accommodate two cars, if they weren't driven by people who are fucking idiots. Of course, the new Corsa isn't just about technology. Amongst the unique aesthetic features premiering on this model, Vauxhall is promising a standard fit range of stupid little teddy bears and gonks strewn all over the dashboard and rear seat so that the entire interior resembles a 12 year old girl's bedroom. When the new Corsa goes on sale in the Autumn prices are expected to start at whatever Vauxhall reckons it can get away with, given that anybody buying one clearly knows fuck all about cars and will be so busy deciding what stupid bloody name they're going to give it that they won't ask for a discount.

When leaked photos of the forthcoming Land Rover Freelander 2 appeared on the internet over a month before the car is due to be unveiled, Land Rover were quick to threaten legal action unless the offending images were removed. But Sniff Petrol will not bend to such strong arm tactics. That's why we're proud to present these exclusive pictures showing exactly what the new Freelander will look like when it's officially uncovered later this month.

Pointless press releases quoting irrelevant and ultimately meaningless survey results have risen by over 27 percent in the past year, according to a survey conducted by Miasma Insurance. The new study, which was conducted in about an hour by asking people in the office what they thought, shows that putting out a press release full of empty statistics is now by far the most popular way of hoping that you might get your company's name in the press. "This really is a startling result," said Miasma's Cheap Publicity Manager, Thaddeus Shazam! "Although of course I use the word 'startling' in the sense of trying to sensationalise some rather dull numbers that are of no relevance to anyone". But Mr Shazam! wasn't the only one in danger of making the press release more than one page long by contributing some banal and waffling quotes. Lampstone T'Ampax of the National Council For Wasting Everyone's Time With Surveys was quick to comment too. "This is something that I think all drivers should reflect on," he noted. "Before you set off on any journey or change a tyre or pick the colour of your next car, just remember that you too could become part of a dull survey result that is essentially being used to flog some product or other. Over 2 percent of people do something 47 percent of the time at any given moment in a 24 hour period, whilst on average 12 million people worldwide have experienced a 32 percent increase in 7 percent less, compared to 1978, which was silver, followed by Fruit Pastilles, up from a previous figure of 2 litres of washer fluid".

After the controversy surrounding his alleged track blocking at Monaco, Michael Schumacher is in hot water again at Silverstone, this time for blocking the Renault F1 lavatories just before Fernando Alonso wanted to have a vital pre-free practise shit. "This was a clear and blatant blocking tactic," fumed one Renault insider. "Michael came to our motor home and asked to use the facilities, claiming that Felipe Massa has 'really smelled it up' in the Ferrari bogs. He knew that timing was crucial here, with less than a minute to go before Friday free practise. We believe he knew this and deliberated curled out a log of such size that our carbon fibre turd chute was completely blocked, scuppering any hopes Fernando might have had of growing a tail before the afternoon session". However, a Ferrari spokesman was quick to deny that their man was involved in any faecal cheating. "It is well within the rules that a driver may drop the kids off at the pool before getting into his car. In fact it can lead to a valuable weight saving that can be worth up to 0.01 seconds a lap. It's not Michael's fault that he had enjoyed a particularly hearty dinner the night before and needed to lay a substantial cable in the Renault facilities. This is simply sour grapes from Renault because someone ponged up their loos".
As the Poomacher controversy threatens to leave a bad smell over the British Grand Prix, some F1 watchers are still trying to work out how the German driver could have consumed enough food to block Renault's computer optimised hydrodynamic cack pipe. However, there are rumours that on Thursday night the seven time world champion was spotted tucking into a buffet that was meant for Juan Pablo Montoya.

Formula 1 was rocked last night with the shock news that the struggling Midland F1 team haven't actually taken part in any races. Despite being almost half way through the 2006 season, it seems the former Jordan squad haven't actually turned a wheel in anger on the track, despite attending every single date on the calendar so far. Sources say Midland's cunning ruse only came to light when someone at FIA HQ was replaying a tape of the Monaco Grand Prix and decided to count the number of cars on the grid. With the bizarre scam now exposed, F1 watchers have been keen to work out just how the small outfit could get away with not actually taking part in any races. "I think it's quite simple," speculated Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. "You see the Midland car's colour scheme looks almost identical to that of the McLaren MP4-21. This has probably made it a lot easier for Midland to simply skive off all the races. Everyone watches the track and thinks, oh look, there goes one of the Midlands. By the time they've realised that actually the car in question is going quite fast or seems to handle reasonably well and therefore must be a McLaren, one of the other useless back markers has had a crash or something and everyone gets distracted".
Of course the other question vexing the F1 paddock is exactly why Midland decided not to bother getting involved in any racing. To find the answer, Sniff Petrol spoke to an anonymous team insider; "It's quite simple," he revealed. "Racing is a bloody complicated business, it costs a frankly stupid amount of money and there's always the chance that the car will crash, especially when you've got Tiago Monteiro on your team, and that isn't just expensive, it also buggers your no-claims discount. So, we decided simply to turn up at every track and then, come race time, simply hide all our cars in the truck. It had been going rather well actually. And let's face it, we've still got the same number of points as Super Aguri".

Och aye the noo muthafuckers! Crazy Dave comin' atcha with the mad bad Bull dat is Red. Smells like the bathrooms in an American airport. Yea. So Crazy Dave, he been havin' a motherfuckin' month, fo' sho'. We's slide down to da Carlo and Crazy Dave, he go stick in the three slot. Tha's some mad shit right there. And me's up on the podiay puttin' out some mad flava, 'cos some people, they can't handle what Crazy D be wearin' there. Listen up bloods; is called a beard. Maybe one day you can get with dat programme too. Alternatively, you can maintain an easy and convenient shaving regime with my Pole Position face care system, which also includes a gentle moisture balm.