Sorry for not doing an issue, last month
CHINESE ANNOUNCE MOON G TF
� 2005. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 4 November
Written by Sniff Petrol, with thanks to William Blackler, JN and Poo
Following what appeared to be the world's least interesting motor show press conference ever, Chinese snake oil manufacturer Kerching has unexpectedly revealed a new and radical part of its plan to bring back MG - building cars on the moon. "We are delighted to announce the formation of the brand new MG Outer Space Sports Car Company," says an official Kerching release. "We have signed a letter of intent with the Moon Development Agency and we hope this will lead to a long and fruitful partnership building traditional British sports cars in synchronous rotation with important markets".
The exact model to be built in the brand new lunar factory hasn't been revealed but Kerching sources hinted that it could be a 4x4 pick up version of the MG TF, although they also admitted that they might make up something different in the future. Meanwhile, the new boss of the MG Outer Space Sports Car Company, Duke Nukem, was in bullish mood; "This is a great opportunity to build cars in a place where no one has thought of building cars before," he said. "Although on reflection, that might be because it's a really dumb idea. Damn".
However, many people have been led to ask where this new announcement leaves MG's former home in Longbridge. A Kerching spokesman was quick to assuage their fears; "There is nothing to worry about. Longbridge will still play a very important role in this new project," he said. "At our new factories in China and on the moon we will need car parks guarded by an automatic barrier. And we plan to use Longbridge to make the small discs that will work the barriers of these car parks. This will be what you in England call 'a token effort', yes?"
Another of Kerching's projects, yesterday
TVR TO STAY IN BLACKPOOL
There was good news for fans of gluey smells this week as TVR announced that it is to continue making cars in Blackpool. The decision has been a long time coming, something insiders attribute to company boss Nikolai Smellyski having end of term exams to get out of the way, but now that an announcement has been made the firm was keen to reveal its future plans. "Blackpool isn't just TVR's traditional home," said a source. "It also has the facilities that the company needs. Specifically, the Sunny View B&B which is where we will be based from now on. We will be putting the chassis' together in room 3 and then rolling them down the corridor to be trimmed in the Red Rose lounge. Obviously this is a smaller facility than we're used to and as a result production will probably be somewhere around one car a month. This is exactly right if we're to keep supply at the same level as current demand".
However, another TVR insider has hinted that the decision to stay in the Lancastrian seaside town wasn't as clear cut as it might appear. "In truth we were all ready to quit the town," he admitted. "Unfortunately, on the morning we were due to leave we discovered the battery had gone flat. No sooner had the AA come out and got us going again then the electrics started playing up, and then we'd barely got to the M55 when we overheated, and then it was getting dark and one of the headlights didn't work and�" [cont'd pgs 86 - 239]
ALL KNOWLEDGE ON INTERNET
Once upon a time if a person wanted to learn new information or check a fact they would have to resort to an encyclopaedia or other text book. Now, thanks to the internet, those crusty old tombs have been replaced by a new, far more powerful source of knowledge; some bloke on a web forum whose who has heard from his brother who knows a guy who told him that this was definitely a fact. This almost limitless resource has already been dubbed IBF, or Internet Bullshitter Fact, by the scientific community and interest in the sheer breadth and scope of new data that is coming to light is growing by the day. "We used to spend years carefully investigating and validating new facts," said a man hiding behind a beard. "But now we realise we were wasting our time. The path to new discovery and innovation is to log onto an internet forum and wait for someone with no actual mates in the real world to enlighten you with the scientific truth that can only be reached when this guy, right, knows this bloke, right, and he was talking to a fella that mends washing machines, right, and he said that it's definitely true that all cat food has heroin in it".
IBF has become especially prevalent in the world of cars and already threatens to kill off traditional magazines and books with their old fashioned attempts to check and cross reference facts. "We've been completely wasting our time using traditional methods of being accurate," admitted one magazine editor. "And whilst we were distracted doing that, we've missed hundreds of scoops that have instead appeared on internet fora. Did you know, for example, that all SEAT Ibiza Cupras turn out at least 25bhp more than is quoted in the brochure? And that one of the race instructors at Brands Hatch, I think it was probably Nigel Mansell, said everyone knows that the Toyota Supra has better handling than a Ferrari F430? We missed all that, and that Top Gear's Stig is over a dozen people, including Damon Hill, Alain Prost and the late Ayrton Senna. Plus we had no idea that all car magazines including ours were taking bungs from BMW and Porsche. IBF really is a revolution in new information. It's just a shame it's all utter bollocks".
PRESS RELEASE HELP FOR NEW SUPERCAR MAKERS
On average, at least once a month a brand new company announces that they're going to build a supercar. However, making a supercar can being a time consuming business and no one wants to get bogged down writing press releases to tell the world what they're up to. That's why Her Majesty's Stationery Office has released this special cut-out-and-keep supercar press announcement form which should leave much more time free to copying the styling off other people's cars.
SNIFF PETROL 5th BIRTHDAY CELEBRATAGANZATHON
Yes, it really is five years since a very bored and technically unemployed bloke with a computer and no internet design skills whatsoever decided to make a shoddy website rather than any money. And the rest is history. Except E=2+K, which is algebra. To celebrate this landmark, we proudly present some amazing facts about Sniff Petrol:
5 AMAZING FACTS ABOUT SNIFF PETROL
1. The entire site is specifically designed to work best when viewed whilst listening to Rock Me Amadeus by Falco. Although not the middle bit where it goes mental and inexplicably turns into a completely different song.
2. The amount of time devoted to putting together just one issue is the equivalent of 14 double decker buses. To put that into perspective, that's enough to fill Wembley stadium twice. Or approximately 104 elephants.
3. Every issue of Sniff Petrol is read by 2.5 billion people. That's the equivalent of everyone in China reading each issue twice. This startling statistic officially makes Sniff Petrol 2.5 billion times more popular than Test Drive magazine.
4. One famous Sniff Petrol fan is manky Guns 'n' Roses frontman Axl Rose. "Man, I just love Sniff Petrol. That's why our new album is so late and probably a bit shit, 'cuz every first Friday of the month I get distracted by crudely Photoshopped car advertisements with swearing in them", he told us, whilst eating a snake.
5. In common with much of the motor industry, in China you can buy a locally produced website which looks almost identical to Sniff Petrol. It uses the engine from an old Citroen and does very badly in crash tests.
5 FACTS ABOUT SNIFF PETROL THAT AREN'T MADE UP
1. The site was originally, and rather rubbishly, going to be called Autoholic, but that URL was already taken. A list of alternatives was drawn up before Sniff Petrol was chosen because it was the one that my mate Haz said sounded quite good.
2. At the time of writing Sniff Petrol has never actually been sued by anyone. However, the story about MG Rover on eBay in issue 56 did prompt a terse e-mail from someone in their legal department who appeared to think the screenshot of an eBay page was real and not done in Photoshop.
3. Sniff Petrol is entirely created on a very old laptop using something called WebDwarf. Which is probably why it doesn't work properly in some browsers. Try updating your version of Internet Explorer or, better still, suggest a more modern web design programme I could use, preferably one that can be operated by an utter idiot.
4. Despite regularly receiving e-mails that start with "Hello team" Sniff Petrol is largely created by one person, with occasional submissions from others. The most famous person to contribute stuff is James May off Top Gear. Amongst other things, he wrote the marvellously silly Edmund King story in issue 46.
5. Other celebrity Sniff Petrol readers include Jeremy Clarkson, Tiff Needell and Jason Potato. However, when Sniff Petrol tried to find out if God-like Gordon Murray had ever seen the site a former McLaren colleague admitted that, despite being an engineering genius, Gordon is "not very good with computers".
MONTOYA AMERICA MOVE EXPLAINED
The recent news that Juan Pieman Montoya will quit Formula 1 and move to the US to compete in the 2007 NASCAR series has left the F1 paddock in a state of some bemusement. However, Sniff Petrol can now exclusively reveal some of the background to the Columbian driver's sudden and very public defection. "Juan Pablo's decision to race in America next year is actually pretty easy to explain," said one source close to the McLaren driver. "It can be summed up in one word� portions. When he crashed out early in last month's Grand Prix at Indianapolis that gave him more time to consider the opportunities that he could have in the United States. Opportunities like having an extra side of fries, getting up to six extra toppings on his pizza or going super sized for just 50c more".
Other sources say that, having been relieved of driving duties for McLaren, the heavy set driver is already mentally preparing for what awaits him across the Atlantic. "Montoya knows he will have a lot of adapting to do," said one insider. "For example, in Europe chips are what the Americans call fries. For them chips are what Europeans know as crisps. It's that kind of significant difference that he's going to have to get to grips with pretty fast."
However, although the challenges could be huge, the well padded racer's rewards for competing in NASCAR could be equally large. "You can do pretty well outta NASCAR," said one seasoned commentator. "As well as a basic salary of up to $5m, Montoya could expect up to $10m in endorsements from companies such as Burger King, Wendy's, Taco Bell, and Dunkin' Donuts".
Spies say that Montoya has already begun celebrating such a potentially lucrative move with three burgers, two chicken fillet sandwiches, a couple of steaks, a family size serving of fries and a Diet Coke.
The writing was on the wall for Montoya, yesterday
Och aye the noo muthafuckers! Crazy Dave in yo face with the phat flava of Red Bull. Or new Diet Red Bull. Less bad ass fat, still taste like motherfuckin' Dettol. So Crazy Dave he lay it sly on the flip side en Francais, know wha'am sayin'? Ralfy Schu try ta smack he up the batty, but tha' ain't no surprise. Crazy Dave, he jus' keep it on the down lo, slide it nicely on the 11 slot. Yea baby, points is fo' losers. Fo' sho'. Me prefer a groove dat is smoove. And with my Pole Position range of shaving products, it's always possible to achieve a smooth shave, and look after your skin with the complimentary moisture balm.
� 2006. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 8 September
Written by Sniff Petrol, with thanks to everyone who's supported this website in the past five years