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Issue 76
September 2006
Not to be used whilst driving, every month
There was shock in the British sports car industry this week with news that Aston Martin has been mistakenly bought by Kerching, the Chinese company which already owns MG Rover. "We are delighted to have secured another prestigious British company name," said an official Kerching statement. "This is a new kind of deal for us. Firstly, we have bought a company that is profitable, and secondly we have bought them without first getting another Chinese company to piss around for a bit making noises about buying the place until it goes bust and we can grab all the good stuff really cheap".
However, there is concern within the car industry that Kerching may not be entirely familiar with what it has bought. "If you read right through the official Kerching statement there seems to have been some mix-up," said industry expert Professor Griff Rhys Jones. "They're talking about revitalising the brand by putting it on a range of small hatchbacks. Basically, they think they've bought something called Austin Martin".
The Chinese company's silly error is not entirely unexpected, at least according to another exdustry inpert. "A lot of people wrongly refer to Aston Martin as 'Austin Martin'," said Professor Sophie Rhys Jones. "It really is a good way to spot people who know fuck all about British cars. So that'll be Kerching then�"
How the new company logo might look, yesterday
There was good news for fans of the bleeding obvious this week as the government announced plans to increase the range of sodding useless messages displayed on the dot matrix boards above motorways. The motorway dot matrix information boards have always been famed for their ability to supply information of no sodding use whatsoever, such as flashing up 'FOG' in the middle of a bank of fog or displaying the word 'QUEUE' above a massive line of stationary traffic, but the authorities believe their ability to dispense nothing of any worth could be expanded ever further. "We're delighted with how unhelpful our motorway signs have been," said Benby Spups, spokesman for the Department of Wasting Everyone's Time. "Our latest move, to display a meaningless journey time to a junction you don't know has been a real hit, but we believe it's time to go further. That's why we'll be rolling out a whole raft of new weather dependent messages such as 'It's raining', 'It's not raining' and 'Sunny'".
Naturally, not all the new messages will be weather related. Departmental sources say at other times the dot matrix boards will supply a whole range of fucking obvious statements including "This is a motorway", "You are in a car" "That rusty lorry trailer is advertising kitchens" and of course "British transport policy is patronising and ineffectual"
A motorway sign stating the obvious, yesterday
More faintly unsettling wisdom from our used car expert

The Joe is over and bumming is sturdy on firm learners. Saw a flapcock Nigel go for seven herons last wee wee. Loose sides, burst lungs, hot gravy. No turds. I'm sure this isn't the way to Falkirk. Slightly.

Up the hammer at Nobrot last Blue, watched a deep sleeved Screamer slide up the pipe at a tortoise under nine eyes. That's a nice pile, even without starman and the fart. No one wants to see your knees Steven. Queasy.

Lot of Garys want to spill their brisket on the firm Mermaid. Good grunting, but it must have gusts, moo and Janet Ellis. Otherwise, don't pay more than four Mormons topstyle. Oh dear, one of them has fallen out again. Lovely.

Plenty of rubbing on greasy Peters at this time of ginger. Rimmed a lightly understain from the hammer at Pointing last Wogan. On the snot for two golden before some hefty Gary felt me nicely for twelve badgers. I hardly think Moira Stewart would be in a place like this. Minty.
Following Michael Schumacher's sensational decision to announce his retirement at the end of the Italian Grand Prix, the FIA has decreed that from now on all F1 races must be followed by a really big announcement. "The Italian Grand Prix was fantastic," said one FIA mole. "I was literally on the edge of my seat with excitement towards the end of the race. Not because I was watching the track, obviously. No, my attention was captivated by our TV ratings monitor. It was brilliant. Instead of getting bored shitless as usual and going off to do something more interesting, TV audiences were forced to stay until the end of the race to hear what Schumacher was going to do. Thrilling stuff".
Insiders say the sport's governing body was so delighted with the performance of the Italian Grand Prix in all major TV monitoring criterion and advertising penetration studies that they plan to keep viewers hanging on in similar fashion at the remaining race this season and retain the technique for 2007. The only question is how they can find enough announcements to match the retirement of a seven times world champion.
"There's plenty of scope for new shock announcements," said one paddock insider. "One driver will announce that they're seriously ill, or the second placed driver will be instructed to announce that he's in love with whoever won the race. Or maybe one of the drivers will admit they're gay. Or not gay, in the case of you-know-who. Basically, we're going to hire a couple of writers off EastEnders and see what happens".
To find out more about this depressing new development Sniff Petrol tried to talk to Max Mosley but he'd gone off to penalise Fernando Alonso ten grid places for not having his shoe lace done up properly.
Something else really exciting, yesterday
There was embarrassment in the science world this week with news that everyone had got really confused over the recent reclassification of certain planets and other large bodies. "Everyone has been talking about how Pluto is no longer a planet," explained Professor Altimus Tmm of the Center For Looking Through Telescopes in Wisbech. "However, this is a complete misunderstanding of the International Astronomical Union's announcement. What they actually said was that they were downgrading Jason Plato".
The BTCC and 5th Gear presenter has long been the source of debate amongst astronomers, many of whom believe the racing driver's ego is easily large enough to qualify for planet status. However, at the recent IAU convention in Prague it was eventually decided that Plato's ego, although technically large enough to dwarf even Jupiter, does not conform to other planet-defining criterion such as orbit around the sun and ability to go into a nightclub without spending the whole evening trying to get off with girls.
However, the recent round of re-categorisation hasn't been all bad news for the racing world. Whilst Jason Plato may have lost planet status, it has now been officially decided to re-classify Eddie Irvine's ego as a separate galaxy.
Plato, yesterday
Och aye the noo muthafuckers! Crazy Dave in da area with the mad flava of Red Bull. Taste like the sink at a muthafucking vet surgery. So people, they say Crazy Dave, all tha' other drivers in tha ITV F1 titles, they wear racing suits, so why you wearin' a fuckin' dinner jacket dude? An' Crazy Dave, he say, tha's cuz that's ma damn race suit man. At leas' it would be, but for tha dumbass fireproof regulation from tha F-I-muthafuckin'-A. If it up to Crazy Dave, I wear tha' DJ twenty fo' seven. I is just that smoove. Almost as smooth as your face after you shave with my Pole Position range of men's grooming products.
� 2006. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 6 October
Written by Sniff Petrol, with thanks to Jim Wood