GM ANNOUNCES NEW ALLIANCE
How the GM logo might look in the future, yesterday
VOLKSWAGEN EXPANDS RANGE... OF PUNS
Just days after announcing the termination of its partnership discussions with Renault-Nissan, General Motors has revealed details of a brand new strategic alliance with a surprise partner - the Set B A-level Business Studies class at Bollin Valley High School in Macclesfield. "We were looking for a Business Studies project for the class to take part in," explained teacher Bob Frampling. "Our initial plan was to create a company selling clocks made from CDs, but that was before I received the call asking us to go into an equal knowledge and technology sharing partnership with the world's largest vehicle manufacturer".
Car industry sources have admitted surprise at GM's decision to abandon exploration into tie-ups with other automotive businesses in favour of signing a contract with 12 Cheshire-based teenagers, but many automotive experts admit it does make sense for the American auto giant to link up with a group that has at least as much business sense and ability as they do.
"We're extremely excited about this new strategic alliance with GM," said Nick Jackson, 17, one of the pupils who brokered the deal. "Although some may question the synergies between a pan-global auto business and a small group that meets four times a week, with a double period on Tuesdays, I believe we have much to offer GM including a chance to shake off not-invented-here thinking, some radical ideas regarding the implementation of supplier led quality upgrades, pushing for blanket roll-out of more aggressive just-in-time production techniques across all plants and of course a hard nosed but realistic view of how best to placate the unions during the phasing in more efficient production processes for the '08 model year and beyond".
For their part, General Motors' people were cautiously optimistic about the deal, "Yea, s'alright, y'know, like, whatever," said GM CEO Rick Wagoner last night. "Strategic, y'know, stuff. It's, like, boring shit. My Mom says I gotta do it. I jus' wanna hang out, talk 'bout chicks. Y'know? Oh Jeez, that's my Mom yelling now� YEA ALRIGHT, I'LL CLEAN OUT THE DAMN GARAGE LATER MOM. Shit, she is so on my fuckin' case. She's like totally gonna cut off my allowance unless I clean out the fuckin' garage and improve mid-size car sales across, like, key territories or some shit. Fuckin' a dude, this shit is boring. Whatever".
Although both parties seem dedicated to making the deal work, questions remain about just how equal this partnership will be. Spies already say GM is already looking to the Bollin Valley Business Studies team for fresh thinking, guidance and advice on how to get tickets for the Upper VIth Christmas Ball, whilst on the question of income it seems clear that the profits of GM, one of the world's largest corporations, are dwarfed by Bollin Valley High School which managed to raise �954 for Children In Need last year.
With the introduction of a new Golf Match model Volkswagen isn't just attempting to add more value to its medium sized hatchback range; it's also attempting to regain some lost ground in the field of puns. "VW used to have it all when it came to puns," notes car-based pun expert Dr Granary Spamp. "As well as the Golf Match there was of course the legendary Golf Caddy pick-up. Ha! What a pun. But then they threw it all away, leaving the field wide open for Nissan to move in with the Micra Wave and Micra Dot. Ha ha! I've just shat myself!"
Sources in Germany say VW is so keen to be seen as the industry leader in car punnery that it is already planning to follow the Golf Match with a series of other high value, weak humour models. "The Match has already replaced SE models in the UK market," said one Wolfsburg insider. "Soon the Golf S will be replaced by the Golf Tee, the Golf Sport will become the Golf Cart and the Golf GT will become the Golf Trousers. All being well, we will complete our pun dominance when the Golf GTI is superceded by the new Pro-Am Celebrity Golf with Jimmy Tarbuck. So many puns, ja?"
Further evidence of VW's pun craziness can be seen in the name of the company's new coupe concept car, the scIROCco. Actually, that's not a pun, it's just bollocks.
One of the biggest stars of Paris was the new Kia Cee'd, which comes with a 5 light year warranty. "This is thoroughly modern car," said a Kia spokesmanchild when asked about the car's unusual name. "And there's nothing more modern than completely misusing apostrophes. It'll come with diesel engine's, the option of leather seat's and perhaps some free CD's. We believe the Cee'd will offer real competition for Focus's, Astra's, Golf's" he continued like a thick dimwit until Sniff Petrol started grinding its teeth so much that our chin fell off.
Over on the Ford stand, the big news was the new Mondeo concept which was released along with photos of the production five door hatchback version. "If you look at the pictures of the actual car you'll see that it contains the three key elements of Ford's new design philosophy," said a spokesmanifesto. "They are firstly, fussiness. Secondly, body coloured rear bumper bits that make it look like a tired run-out model. And thirdly, getting the press to make a right old fuss over it being a radical new benchmark for attractive family cars without ever noticing that it's frankly not all that". The new Mondeo shared stand space with the Iosis X concept which is said to accurately reflect the look of a forthcoming Focus-based crossover. For production only the lights, mirrors, wheels, exhausts, and all interior and exterior panels will be changed.
Alfa Romeo pulled the covers off the production version of the stunning 8C Competitzione sports car, and used this launch to announce a new range of exclusive specials. "The 8C is called 'Competitzione' to reflect its competition heritage," said a spokesmantrap. "It's something we'll be repeating across the range with models such as the 147 Outclassedico, GT Inexplicabale and 166 Depreciatzione".
Peugeot continued its long tradition of making interesting show cars that have no sodding relevance whatsoever to planet Earth with the striking V12 engined 908 RC exec car concept. However, the company was quick to rebuff those who said it wasn't a production model. "Yes, the 908 RC is a one off but it is also a production model," said a spokesmancunian. "We have built just one because this is precisely the same as our sales projections for the car. Malheureusement!".
Renault had several show cars on show at the show, including the nice Twingo, the pointless Koleos and, most strikingly, the Nepta sports car. "The Nepta really does point the way to our new design language," said a spokesmantlepiece. "Hurdy gurdy surfacing, hurdy gurdy graphic treatment, hurdy gurdy taut panelwork, hurdy gurdy lamps as jewellery, hurdy gurdy intuitive and distinctive". A source later admitted the new 'design language' was basically just the same bollocks as everyone else, but in Swedish for some reason.
The Lancia Delta HPE concept attracted a great deal of interest, not least because an eventual production version is likely to herald Lancia's return to right-hand drive markets. "We believe a car like this is so attractive that it will banish memories of previous Lancias in the UK," said a spokesmanfredmann. "Let me break down, um, I mean explain the key design feature which is of course the 'floating' roof panel painted in a contrasting rust colour� Oh. Shit".
The advancement of Dodge into Europe continued with a concept saloon called the Avenger. And it seems it isn't just the name that has been taken from the past. "We looked back at the original Avenger to see what Europeans want from a car," said a spokesmansionhousetubestation. "What we learned is that they want a rattly, lazily designed car built with no care whatsoever in a heavily unionised factory. Hell, if that's the case they're gonna go a ball for pretty much every automobile the Big Three makes". Although the Avenger is still claimed to be at the concept stage, Dodge insiders have already admitted that it will eventually be replaced by the Alpine. Or maybe Solara. Meanwhile, in another attempt to re-gain its old ground, another Detroit source admitted that Chrysler may establish a factory in "Scot Land. Wherever the hell that is".
Finally, Rolls Royce surprised some show goers by announcing that it is to make a sister for the Phantom. "Yes, we are going to build a new model that will be significantly smaller than the existing motor car," said a spokesman'sman'sman'sworldbutitwouldbenothingwithoutawomanoragirl. "It will feature the usual chrome detailing and sumptuous leather interior but we will be able to bring this car to the market in double quick time since we found some plans for a smaller British luxury car that we did some time ago. We are thinking of calling it the Rollsver 75�"
Here is a pretend report from the Paris Motor Show
� 2006. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue Monday 13 November
Written by Sniff Petrol
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