Buying more shares in Volkswagen, every month
CARS TO BLAME FOR EVIL GENERALLY
� 2006. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 15 December
Written by Sniff Petrol, with thanks to Dave Tickle and Jim Wiseman
There was shock this week as it emerged that cars are to blame for all the evil in the world. The shock verdict came from a top secret government report to be published later this month and entitled, "The Economy Could Be A Bit Fucked - Finding Ways To Make More Cash� And Fast".
"Cars really are the root of all the planet's woes," admitted government spokesman Lambglot Slightly. "For one thing, they cause global warming which is the biggest threat to face this country at the moment and certainly a bigger threat than, say, starting an inexplicable war and then being puzzled when fanatical Muslims keep plotting to blow up London. Of course, it's not just global warming. The car also causes cancer, paedophilia, rape, pestilence, scurvy and never being able to find the bloody kitchen scissors when you need them. Thankfully, this government has discovered that all these problems can be made to go away by taxation. Lots of lovely soft target taxation. Mmm".
Whilst central government continues to work on new plans to banish the evil of cars with the sword of tax, one local authority is already taking the initiative to prevent cars from causing more misery and mobility in the world. The council of Grunting, in Pain, has already approved plans for a new scheme in which residents' parking permit charges will be levied in direct proportion to the stylishness of your clothes and how well spoken your children are. "This is entirely fair scheme," said spokesman Partly Smnnr. "We believe it will encourage people to think twice before having a reasonable amount of money which we're then going to take off them on some spurious environmental basis that doesn't quite make sense".
However, the government itself was quick to promise that although cars are the root of all income, it will be looking at other measures to save the world. "We're not simply picking on cars of course," Lambglot Slightly admitted. "Domestic heating and airline travel are two areas that we are looking in to as well. I personally have decided that domestic heating is the best way to keep my six bedroom house warm, and to celebrate that discovery I'm now flying to France for a two week skiing holiday. Mmmm".
Meanwhile, Conservative leader Dave "Dave" Cameron was happy to join in the blathering; "I am speaking now," he said. "Listen to me speaking in a nice voice. I think it's clear that I agree with whatever this is about, and I have shown this agreement by not wearing a tie. I like trees. Yea kids. Clouds are nice" A spokesman later admitted that Mr Cameron was himself a major source of pointless CO2.
Some fake green bollocks, yesterday
BMW M5 IN MANUAL MIX-UP
Following disappointment that the new and much longed for BMW M5 with a manual gearbox is to be sold only in the United States, BMW insiders have revealed the shock reason behind this move - they actually couldn't be arsed. "For some time car journalists have been going on and on about how they wish the M5 would have a manual gearbox," admitted one Munich-based engineer. "But frankly we couldn't be bothered to make one, so we simply said that we were going to do it and then put it on sale in America where no one will ever order a stick shift anyway. Bingo, everyone gets off our case and we never actually have to build a manual M5 at all," our mole revealed. "Mwaa-haa-haaa, schweinhund" he added, strangely.
However, it seems BMW's cunning supply-to-no-demand scheme is not the first time the car industry has pulled off such a stunt. "I think they nicked that idea from us," moaned an insider from Renault. "I mean, we got loads of publicity from doing the Vel Satis, knowing full well that you'd have to be a mental to buy one. It was brilliant. We saved a fortune on having to install a production line and it didn't matter that the two cars we handbuilt for the press were shite," he revealed. "Mwaa-haa-haaa oheeoheeoh".
Meanwhile, over at Ford, one anonymous insider was also keen to take credit for the idea; "Come off it, we thought of that one years ago. Mondeo V6? Do me a favour. It just looks nice in the brochure. If you actually try to order one the salesman is under strict instructions to kick you in the face until you go away," he revealed. "Mwaa-haa-haaa. Knees up Mother Brown, gertcha".
However, one seasoned industry manager was quick to offer a warning about the perils of promising something that's never going to happen; "We were always talking about making a new medium car to take on the Focus and the Golf," admitted Joan "Austin" Towers, formerly of MG Rover. "I mean really, where were we going to get the money to do that job properly. But we thought if we kept talking about it everything would be okay. Turns out we went bust, everyone lost their jobs and I had to go and live in a big house with lots of money," he revealed. "Mwaa-haa-haaa. Ooops, sorry".
LE MANS IN SOOT-BASED SHOCKER
Following the success of the diesel powered Audi R10 and the unveiling of Peugeot's equally dieselly 908 racer, the organisers of next year's Le Mans 24 have stunned motorsports fans by announcing that the 2007 event is to be re-named Les 24 Heures du Mans Run Economique. The newly titled race will still take place over a June weekend, but will now abandon the focus on tightly timed endurance racing in favour of exciting wheel-to-wheel sensible driving and considered frugality. "With the advent of diesel race cars this seemed the perfect time to change this most illustrious of motoring events," said a spokesman for Automobile Club De L'Ouest (now a wholly owned subsidiary of the Institute of Advanced Motorists). "These are magnificent cars that simply ripple with fiscal prudence. We thought it was time to change the rules so that they can show off their mighty miles per gallon figures and impressive range between, 'ow you say, the pumps".
Under the new rules of Le Run Economique, the winning car will be the one that records the highest fuel economy figure in 24 hours of driving, with additional points awards for skills such as courteous night driving to avoid waking up local residents, best wheel shuffling and pleasantest pit garage.
The teams taking part have been quick to react to the radical change in format, not least current race champions Audi; "With the new regulations we realised we need to find drivers who are best placed to give us the competitive advantage," admitted a team insider. "That's why we've signed Saj Choudhury, a minicab driver from Enfield. Already the team has been impressed with Saj's commitment, his professionalism, his refusal to wear a seatbelt and of course his determination to drive everywhere in fourth gear".
Not to be outdone, a Peugeot Sport spokesman was keen to reveal their own economy minded new signing; "It's Chris Goffey," he said.
Och aye the noo muthafuckers! Crazy Dave in full effect with da bitchin' flava of Red Bull. Slides on nice wit' vodka. Or fo' cleanin' da shit off da bottom of yo' boat. So listen up bro's, we is done fo' da '06 F1, know wha'am sayin'? An' Mickey Schu, he outta here fo' evah. But Crazy Dave, he don't give no shit man. Dis guy, he at tha top o' his game, and tha homeboy, he quit. Tha's crazy shit man. Crazy Dave, he not lovin' this leave wit' dignity shit. W'as wrong wit' mixing it up mad style an' growin' a muthafuckin' beard. Yea, tha's the Crazy Dave way. Fo' sho'. Peace out bro's. Although please remember that even during the Formula 1 off-season, my full range of Pole Position grooming products is still available.