Re-inventing the phone of motoring, every month
GOVERNMENT REVEALS PAY-AS-YOU-GO PLAN
Whilst the government continues to refine its secret plans to plant a chip in everyone's heads, operate us all with special wires and deal with dissent using a special face-mounted rat cage, it has in the meantime released details of its proposed pay-as-you-go taxathon for drivers, and it's more complex than first thought.
Under the new scheme drivers will, as rumoured, by offered a pay-as-you-go plan for using their car, but this will be accompanied by a sister 'contract' scheme for less pikey motorists.
"Pay-as-you-go will be ideal for people who use their car only in emergencies," said government spokesman Mampap Ungulate. "It will suit the young, perhaps the elderly, and of course drug dealers and the rat faced twats who hang around outside your local McDonald's all night. Whereas contract driving will bring its own benefits such as perhaps 60 free driving minutes per month and 200 free uses of the indicator". Mr Ungulate later denied that he didn't know the difference between a 'car' and a 'mobile phone', even though he then attempted to ring his mother on a Kia Sportage.
The most controversial part of this new transport plan is the clause, buried deep in the new Supplemental Toll Provisions Bill, which allows for the planting of tracking devices, initially in cars and later in new born babies, and the penalties for tampering with such equipment. "There really is nothing sinister about this," insists Mampap Ungulate. "But naturally we have to punish those who attempt to evade the law in the appropriate way, such as with electrodes, the rack and perhaps some light firing squad. When this scheme goes live we simply cannot allow people to interfere with Project Ultimate Control� Oops, I've said too much," he added before attempting to speed off in a Nokia 6230.
"Blimey," said a man speaking from the Soviet Union in the 1970s. "Your regime is really oppressive".
Some highway robbery, yesterday
TVR STRUGGLES TO FIND ANYONE WHO CARES
Nikolai Smolenski (centre) having a business meeting, yesterday
The ongoing TVR saga hit a new low this week as company insiders admitted they're struggling to find anyone who actually gives a shit any more. "This could be a real problem for us," admitted a source close to whichever of the TVR-related companies it is that hasn't gone bust and says it's still going to build cars or something. "For some reason everyone just seems to care about the 300 workers we suddenly made redundant and not about some horrid computer renderings of a car we're pretending we're going to make in South Africa, or Italy, or wherever it was we said last time".
Industry experts say the problem of nobody giving a flying fuck anymore has been worsened because it's increasingly hard to find anyone who can be bothered trying to understand what on earth is going on. "Frankly I've got better things to do than try to work out what the frig's happening with TVR," said automotive analyst Womcrack Quim. "Something about one bit going bust but not the bit that has the right to make cars in the factory that they've closed down or something� oh really, is anyone fussed anymore? It all sounds like made up bollocks. I mean, if it was British-made up bollocks you might find a few slightly pompous people who'd want it every year, but when they take the bollocks making abroad, who cares?"
Someone who might care, although it's hard to tell, is TVR owning businesschild Nikolai Smellyski although spies say at the moment he's busy studying for his GCSE mocks. In the meantime, whatever's left of TVR appears to be being run by David of Loxley, so called because he takes from the poor of Blackpool and gives to a rich Russian. Don't watch this space for more details soon. They'll probably be a load of cock anyway.
BEZ BUGGERS ASTON BIDDERS
Dr Bez, trying to pretend he hasn't just drawn a cock on the DB9 order book, yesterday
As rumours continue to circulate about a likely buyer for Aston Martin, insiders at the firm's Gaydon headquarters say the management buyout team led by company boss Dr Ulrich Bez has incurred the wrath of parent charity Ford by attempting to put off all other interested parties. "Ford really aren't pleased," admitted one Aston source. "They asked Dr Bez to tidy up the factory a bit before they showed round some rival bidders but instead he left it in a right state. There were dirty socks lying around next to the interior trim stations and in the final rectification area there were still a couple of foil containers with half eaten Chinese food in them on the floor. I think one of them had a couple of cigarette butts in it".
Dr Bez, whose previous credits include the BMW Z1, the Porsche 993 and a type of weird dispenser thing with an animal head on top that's almost impossible to fill up with sweets, has been head of Aston since 2000 and it seems it's a position he's reluctant to give up.
"He really wants to take complete control of Aston himself," said one insider. "That's why he's doing his best to put off rival bidders with his zany schemes. Apparently he was even talking about secretly introducing a series of niggling faults and electrical problems into the DB9 and V8 Vantage� Oh, hang on�"
FISH TO FORD - STOP STEALING OUR GILLS
There were angry scenes underwater this week as fish finally expressed anger at Ford for repeatedly stealing one of their best known design cues. "We fish have had it up to here with Ford putting gills on all their cars," said a fish. "We invented the gill and now they're just shameless nicking it to make their new models more interesting. It literally makes me weep with anger, although obviously you can't see that because I'm surrounded by water".
Sources close to fish - probably Hollandaise source, or tomato source if it's fish and chips - say that piscine anger was first aroused by the gills on the new Range Rover, made by Ford-owned Land Rover. "When I first saw that car I pretty furious," admits our fish spokesman, a fish. "In fact, just thinking about that car makes me so cross I wet myself, although obviously you can't see that because I'm surrounded by water".
Our aquatic spies say many fish might have been prepared to let this intellectual copyright theft go were it not for Ford's sudden rampant use of gills across other cars, including the Jaguar XK and C-XF concept and the new North American market Focus. "This blatant gill theft has just got out of hand now," complains fish spokesman, a fish. "I spit on all Ford products, although obviously you can't see that because I'm surrounded by water".
Sniff Petrol was going to ring Fish out of Marillion for further comment but we were worried that he might start singing one of their terrible songs so we didn't bother.
Over at GM the big news was a load of cardboard boxes with some wires sticking out of them underneath a concept called the Volt which is apparently what an all new modular alternative fuel car would look like if they could be bothered to make one. "This here is the future boy," whooped a GM spokesman. "It runs on e-lectricity, or as we call it, Commie Gasoline". The Volt's innovative powertrain can be set-up in a variety of ways with petrol, electric or fuel cell motors, all of which can be replaced by a 3.5-litre V6 that makes an efficient 117bhp, just as soon as Al Gore stops bugging them.
Meanwhile, Ford was proudly showing off the Airstream concept which is powered by a block of wood with the words Fuel Cell Electric written on top of it. "Concepts are all about showing the future," shouted a Ford spokesman. "Yep, if you wanna look after the environment you're gonna be driving round in something that looks like this in a few years, you dufus. Of course, we did consider some other names for this vehicle, such as Lame-o and Douchebag. Or of course, you coulda had this other concept which has gotta V8. It's called the Interceptor. Your choice, you goddam pinko liberals".
Chrysler's most planet hugging concept was the Jeep Trailhawk which features a V6 diesel engine with Bluetec technology for cleaner emissions. "We wanted to retain all the classic Jeep design cues," said a spokesman. "But combine them with features that would be attractive to losers. You know, we just sat down and thought, what do assholes who read poetry and shit actually do instead of normal people stuff like playin' football and kicking the face off an owl?"
Another interesting indication of moves to make America more efficient was the official launch of the new Smart ForTwo. Smart executives admit that Americans may be initially wary and sceptical about their products but they denied that they were in anyway upset to discover that the company's stand was listed in the official show brochure as 'Smart (see under F for faggot)' nor that the Big Three had asked show organisers to erect signs next to the cars on show reading 'Warning: Gayness ahead'.
Of course Detroit wasn't all about half arsed environmental window dressing and loss making desperation, there was also something to satisfy fans of mild vulgarity as Rolls Royce premiered its new Phantom Drophead Coupe. Not to be outdone, Mercedes dug deep into its reserves of cheesy tack to present a bizarre convertible S-class concept called the Ocean Drive. However, whilst most show goers who saw both these cars experience only a mild gag reflex R&B star P Diddy was less fortunate, leaving the show in an ambulance with what doctors described as a 'medically dangerous erection'.
Yes, the start of the year means the Detroit Auto Show and a chance for the American Big Three to give Toyota another bloody good laugh as they wallow around in their own ill-fated crapulence. This year the overwhelming theme of the show was the environment as GM, Ford and Chrysler showed that they really understand the challenges facing car makers as political and social pressures force them to pretend that they're going to build greener cars. Here's what they came up with:
MONTOYA MOVES TO NEW SERIES
There was surprise this week as it appeared that Juan Pieman Montoya may have finally settled on a race series that he won't leave to try something else again. Since leaving Formula 1 in a big girly huff, the Columbian driver has dabbled in confusing array of motorsports as if he mistakenly thought driving deals were like being at a buffet and he had to get as much down him as possible before Nigel Mansell arrived. Now it seems the sometimes porky racer has found a seat ample enough to accommodate him in the cut and thrust world of fairground bumper cars.
"Dodgems is perfect for Juan Pablo," said a source as close to the driver as you can get without touching one of his rolls. "He's always cutting up other drivers and smashing into them, and at last he can race in a series that encourages that. I think he's really going to enjoy it. I mean, people always talked about following the F1 circus, but now he can travel around with an actual circus. And there are other benefits for Juan, such as the hot dog stall right over there. I guess the only problem is if the carnies introduce one of those signs that says 'You must less than this fat to drive'".
A fat man plays dodgems, yesterday
� 2007. Sniff Petrol every month. Next issue 9 February
Written by Sniff Petrol
More unusualness from our used car expert
Fumble my bundies, it's brisket out simon and that means hitting the gristle is brittle. But the handsome Gary can certainly touch some greasy biscuits:
Saw a steamy Lever slide up the wide pipe at a seven under nicely last Wogan, even without moo and stars. Sturdy lumps, pleasantly firm , smell turd. Knocked off a chesney for a slice of piss. Well it wasn't that colour when I put my socks on. Grunty.
Grunting has gone milky on squeaky Weasels and that means furry burps for the oily Sarah. A smart basket with breeze, squeeze and cheese bummed my briefcase for a Satsuma last Thursby, kicked its knees for seven geese. I wouldn't sit there, it's still a bit wet. Flimsy.
The fat legged Alan has always stroked the nose of the Stinky Vole and now's the time to grasp nice candles. What about a fondue on the girdle, hot gravel, shit in a sock. In the hole for a leslie under four parping. Oh honestly Jean, your brother doesn't look anything like Martin Jarvis. Minty.